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Step down from your high horse. Get out of your ivory towers. And don’t lecture me about being materialistic. Because all I’m saying here is that you’re not driving down the street peering into Chevy Cavaliers wondering what fox is behind the wheel.
You either drive a hot girl car, or you don’t. And while that’s not saying that you can’t be a hot girl if you don’t drive said car, it is saying that you should probably ditch the Lincoln Continental if you want to be a power player in the Hot Girl Game of Life. Capisce? Capisce.
There are several types of Hot Girl Cars, but these are the hottest.
9. Prius
You’ll have a hard time fending off her Patagonia Trout Hat-Wearing boyfriend, but you’ll pretty much only see her between yoga classes with her mat in tow. As the resident trustafarian, she doesn’t work so she’s exclusively shuttling herself to Whole Foods, somewhere on her ClassPass, or the library to put out the vibe that she reads.
Oh, and her body? Perky as all hell.
8. Land Cruiser
You’ve met this girl and have repped to your friends that she’s “super cool” because of the vibe she puts out. Old money who went to a private university like SMU, and only carries around a Longchamp Bag despite the fact that she can afford more. After all, she’s trying to put out a low maintenance vibe despite the fact that she requires all the attention in the world.
Her Hunter Boots scream “outdoorsy” and she inherited a shotgun from her grandparents, but she truly has zero use for either. The only reason she dresses like she’s out of a Barbour catalogue is because she spent her summers and all vacations in Aspen where she naturally acquired a Colorado vibe.
7. Jetta
Yeah, she’s paving her own way in life. The former doe-eyed high school sweetheart of the quarterback, she’s the All-American girl who’d be perfect to take home to mom, only if she wasn’t turned off by your borderline drinking problem on Fridays and Saturdays.
Through college, she wore bows in her hair. But, she unfortunately still has her letters or monogram on the back of her car despite the fact that she’s been out of college for the better part of five years. She thinks she’s rich but isn’t, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
6. Jeep Wrangler
Top down, Little Miss Fun. She’s the arch nemesis of Ms. Land Cruiser because the guys invite her to go camping and mudding due to the fact that her car can handle it. But she grew up on the beach around a bunch of girls that are all equally as hot as her while teasing every guy in your friend group who think they have a chance with her (when she knows they don’t).
T-shirt, tight ponytail, jean cutoffs. Does she perhaps put out a slight butch, tomboy persona? Yeah, but if she didn’t have a little grit to her, she wouldn’t drive a car that requires the effort that goes into taking the top down and busting the doors off on a hot day.
5. Lexus RX 330
Her dad paid for it by either owning the best roof repair company in the greater metropolitan area or because he owns a Lexus dealership himself. She’s not actually a bitch, but she puts out a “rich bitch” vibe because she’s new money and knows she can pull that attitude off.
But just because she has the money doesn’t mean she’s flashy with it. She got a boob job for her graduation present but doesn’t really show them off, and she has an actually valid job as opposed to her friends that are still eating five-star brunches on their daddy’s American Express Black Cards.
Prude? Yeah. But that’s simply because she knows she can get away with it.
4. Mercedes C-Class
The only type of person that can pull this car off under the age of 40, she acquired her taste for Mercedes through her mom, Muffy, who is third-generation old money herself. She grew up in a big house, currently lives in a big house, and will never live in anything but a big house for the rest of her life. Sure, it will be more brick-and-ivy than mid-century modern, but she likes it that way.
Through college, she breezed through her sorority as a big legacy country club girl. She grew up playing tennis and riding in horse competitions, all because she has the money. The funny thing is, she doesn’t think she’s rich because she’s so accustomed to that lifestyle.
When she gets married, it won’t be near her hometown. It will be a coastal destination wedding where they roll into the sunset in a classic car that only has four others in existence.
3. BMW 3 Series
This is her starter rich-girl-car right out of college. Yeah, she has an okay job, but she also lives in a downtown studio apartment that she’s grossly overpaying for.
While claiming that she “bought her 3 Series on her own,” everyone knows that her mom and dad covered the down payment in addition to keeping her on their insurance. Sadly, she just wants to put out a richer vibe than she actually commands because while she can afford a BMW, her budget is more of a Jeep Grand Cherokee-type of budget.
2. Mercedes G-Wagon
There are Range Rover Girls, and there are G-Wagon girls. The G-Wagon girls prefer Kylie over Kendall, and despite being scorching hot, she still leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth even though you can’t pinpoint why. Is it because she’s a tinge trashy? A little bit skanky? Thinks all homeless people should be euthanized? No one is totally sure.
But what we do know is that she’s not opposed to discussing her long weekends in Miami or the time she partied with Dan Bilzerian in Vegas (but sidenote: she only saw him from afar at a club).
Her nails are a little too long, her eyebrows are a little too penciled, and she could use an attitude check when she acts too good for any guy that approaches her or waves at a stoplight.
1. White Range Rover
White Range Rover Girl? Yeah, she’s smug as fuck but in the hot way where you know she’s too good for you. When you’re driving down the street and turning your head, you’re either expecting to see a Paulina Gretzky clone or the hottest grocery store mom you’ve ever seen.
Is her blonde hair and tan natural? Honestly, probably not. But it doesn’t matter because 1. It looks fine as hell, and 2. She has enough money to get you killed should you insult it.
The White Range Rover just has an air to it. When you see it parked in your company’s lot, you think to yourself, “Who the hell is driving that?” When you’re driving behind it, you need to see who’s at the wheel. And when you pass it, she peers over at you in her oversized, designer sunglasses and just looks like she’s about to say, “I’m way out of your league.”
And she is, because she’s driving the hottest car in the game..
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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I’m always on the lookout for monograms on the back window. I will merge 3 lanes just to see if she’s hot.
Lawrence, man, those chicks are normally in high school.
You know what they say about high school girls
How about the male equivalent of this Will
I would say I’m rather surprised a vw beetle didn’t make the list but now that I think about it, it’s not the early 2000s anymore.
Having grown up adjacent to one of the wealthiest zip codes in the country (humble brag), these are all pretty damn accurate. Dated a Merc G Class. That sour taste you can’t quite pinpoint? It’s a drug problem.
In college hooked up with a chick for a while who drove an older body style Land Rover Discovery, which I think deserves mention here (the car, not my unimpressive sexual conquests.)
send pics
I’m a married man. Those pics are safely locked in the spank bank.
You jack it to Land Rovers?
Defender series is a classic rich person adventure car
It was. Now it’s the classic “I paid original 1997 MSRP of $45k for this in 2011 purely to show off around the relevant fashionable beach town.”
My brother drives a Jetta. PGP.
I drive a Jetta. PGP
I wish I drove a Jetta. PGP
Jetta bros unite!
Throwback hot girl cars from Highschool
Mitsubishi Eclipse
Toyota Celica
Jeep Liberty
Everyone in my high school who drove an eclipse was just a douchebag who thought they were the next Paul Walker.
I guess “hot” and “rich” are the same thing now. Actually, I guess they sort of are?
Money makes everyone more attractive. It’s science.
I would sure as shit never drive a white range rover myself, but I’ll be damned if I don’t by the future wife one.
To buy* her one, you might need to clean up your spelling
My wife is going to be hot, not smart, so I’m not worried.
Hottest girl in my law school class drives a White Range Rover w/ custom plates. Fits Will’s description to a T.
Great work Will!