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It seems that I am always finding myself in precarious situations when it comes to feelings. For one, I don’t like to talk about them. I like to keep them shoved down, real deep inside my chest, never to be brought up or acknowledged unless there is a copious amount of alcohol involved. But when they finally show up, oh boy, do they make an appearance.
Am I afraid of my own feelings? Of course, I am. Isn’t everyone? The range and depth of human emotions are confusing at best, and beyond frustrating at the worst. Part of me thinks that feelings come from out of nowhere. They are capable of blindsiding you at the moment when you expect them least. The other part of me thinks that feelings are also a choice. You can choose how you feel, to a certain extent. Marriages don’t last 50 years based solely on mutual attraction. Making any type of relationship work, be it a romantic or platonic one, requires a certain amount of effort and intentional behavior.
So herein lies the problem. Have you ever entered into a “casual” relationship with a person, fully intending on “just having fun?” Usually, these types of relationships revolve around sex with some alcohol thrown into the mix. You both make sure the other knows that you’re “not looking for anything serious.” These encounters start off hot and heavy and are exciting and entertaining. Liberating. These types of relationships are initially based on self-interest and a desire for autonomy. The highly-sought-after “friends with benefits” situation. You get all the sex and fun without the baggage. Without the responsibilities or obligations. What these relationships don’t involve is the dreaded f-word: feelings.
Sometimes, that can work. For a time. But what happens when you wake up one morning and realize that you actually enjoy spending time with your “fun and casual” friend doing things that don’t involve getting sauced and sleeping together? That the drunk nights are always a good time, but quiet Sundays spent nursing a hangover and telling stories are actually really enjoyable, too? Once you cross over into wanting to spend your free, sober time with someone, all hope is lost. This is when the red alert starts going off.
This is called “catching feels.” It’s a widely-studied, yet not-quite-understood phenomenon. How could it be possible to catch feels at the same time that you are trying to run away from them at warp speed? One day you’re leaving your FWB’s house at noon on a Saturday in last night’s clothes, and then all of a sudden, it’s a month down the road and you’re have back-to-back sleepovers and spending 48 straight hours together doing a whole lot of nothing but eating Chinese and laughing until you cry.
It’s one thing to have fun with someone when there’s always something going on, when there are consistent plans and parties. Dates and events and other social outings are easy to enjoy. They’re a distraction that takes the effort out of the situation. It’s the downtime, the “boring” time, that is truly indicative of how much you enjoy another person’s company.
I’ve never considered myself the hook-up type. I like to get invested in people. I actually tend to think that sex without any sort of feelings really isn’t very fun, which I’m sure plenty of people may ferociously disagree with me on. But at the end of the day, you have to admit that having an emotional connection to someone completely changes the game. But what about when you didn’t expect one to be there? Didn’t even want one to be there in the first place? Now you’re in a tight spot.
So now what happens? Do you cut and run? Pretend nothing is happening? Just continue to hang out and have fun because it makes you happy and you want to feel this way for as long as possible before this may blow up in your face? Asking for a friend. .
Respond
@taylordoestweet
@itsthestovallshow
sexychocolate
I am not an expert but kicking the can down the road seems like a bad idea on this one yet I know that is exactly what I would do. Good luck, Taylor.
Hopefully this makes sense as it does in my head but I don’t think your every changing feelings should instantly dictate how you view or act towards another person or “relationship”. Just ride the wave of good times because before you know it your body will fail you and the idea of anyone sleeping with you outside the expectations of sex once a year because you’re married and “kinda have to” will be out the window
Another Nived-like comment… 19th, you okay my man?
Yeah I mean I’m just saying, as humans were only in our physically prime for a few years so take advantage of it and just let your feelings sort themselves out internally
Just wait till you have a kid. I don’t think I’m going to have sex again until Mrs Rico wants Rico Jr part deux.
But that’s okay because I’d rather have those three minutes of sleep right now.
I feel you. Feelings are the worst. They’re like a virus that slowly permeates your insides and the only treatment is some foreign chemical that you end up getting a dependency on to feel some sort of semblance of normalcy but that chemical is backed by vast wealthy lobby groups that propel the profiteering and leaving you, I mean, me in between the churning cigs of the wheel as we, I mean me, get crushed by the force of pure and exuberant chrome capitalism lol
I actually love deciphering typos and you guys should too lol
The trick to keeping a friend with benefits situation is just like how you keep your insurance, it’s there only when you need to be bailed out of hard times.
Sounds like your “friend” and “her” guy friend need to have a conversation.
I am currently dealing with this. Fell into it with a close friend and it blew up in our faces last weekend. Don’t know how to deal with it. Is it possible to go back to platonic friendship? Anyone?
If y’all find each other sexually attractive and also get drunk in the vicinity of each other it will be difficult.
100% agree. It’s always rough seeing your FWB flirting with someone else, even though you said wouldn’t develop feelings for that person.
You can hookup, but you slipped up once you started doing things like “Netflixing” and “Hanging out” and “Sleepovers”. Now you’re doing relationship stuff so of course you’re going to get relationship feelings, even if it is a non-exclusive relationship. To not get feelings you have to just keep it at the bar and the bedroom.
The key to a successful FWB scenario is communication between both parties
Hometown hookups are the move here. You’ve know them probably a decade so it’s comfortable, but don’t live in the same city as them so you can’t get as attached.
This is the worst feeling. I’ve lived it, and now I’m in a relationship with that person and I still have insecurities that he doesn’t want the same thing as I do – even though he agreed that we should take the next step and make it a relationship