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In just two words, I knew it was over. I didn’t even have to read the rest of the text message, but I did it to confirm my own curiosity. Of course, of course, it was the breakup text. After those first two words, she had pulled the old “I’m traveling a lot, so I’m not really able to put the time into dating” from the Mary Poppins-esque bag of excuses girls have used on me to stop a relationship before it could get started. It was a good one, to be sure, and for all I know, it was true. But I’ve heard this song and dance before. The first two words told the whole story: “Hey Josh.”
Nobody starts a text with, “hey [insert your name here].” This is how your great Aunt Irma would begin one of her texts if she could figure that the keyboard is on the screen. These words are a remnant of the days when folks would put pen to paper and write actual letters. But for the technologically literate, the letter-style opening to a text is completely foreign. A formal structure to possibly the most informal method of communication. If you were going to be fired via text message, this is how it would start. And getting dumped is the relationship equivalent of getting fired.
Though it may appear innocuous to the older crowd, this style of communication in a text comes off as cold and distancing. It’s not meant to seem like the beginning of an actual conversation, but more of a matter-of-fact statement. The sender is not interested in a back-and-forth dialogue. They are about to say something that they know may not be received well, but they are going to get it out and then move on.
As a child of the 90s, my perceptions of societal and dating norms were largely shaped by sitcoms – obviously, Seinfeld and Friends being the two key ones. Back in the good ‘ol pre-cell phone days, the common trope regarding impending breakups was hearing the character’s partner say “we need to talk.” As Jerry advised George in the classic episode, The Susie, “no one needs to talk.” The only time anyone would dare utter those four words in that sequence is to brace the other party for an impending breakup.
The letter text sends the same initial message. Unlike saying “we need to talk,” writing “hey [your name]” does not give the opportunity for the other party to evade the issue. There’s no pause wherein you can excuse yourself, claiming to be out of soda, leave your apartment, and then never go back to avoid the break-up. The letter text is very much meant to be taken in the same vein as a “Dear John” letter: she’s breaking up with you and you have to deal with it. The only you’re not in an active war zone while she’s banging your best friend who manages a Dennys, thereby giving you the unimpeachable high ground.
Many may question whether it is even permissible to use this form of text for ending things. After all, some may argue, breaking up should be a conversation between both the breaker and the breakee, with ample opportunity for each to express their thoughts and leave with some shred of dignity. However, I would disagree; breaking up does not require consent from both parties.
Once one person puts it out there that they want to call it, the breakup has occurred. Any discussions after the fact are not part of some breakup negotiation, but rather a request to reconsider the breaker’s decision. As a result, I’m going to rule that the letter-style text is acceptable as a break-up method, especially for new and more casual courtships.
As to the content of these text-letters, as a rule, keep it short and direct. Say clearly that you want to stop seeing each other, give some excuse as to why it’s your fault it didn’t work out (but don’t give them the “it’s not you, it’s me” routine, George Costanza owns that), and wish them luck in their future dating. The biggest mistake I see in the text letters is letting it drag too long. Remember, at it’ core this is a text. Just keep it on point, and don’t dance all around the subject for twenty lines. That’s what ghosting is for.
The most important thing for the sender of the letter text to remember is that the recipient will know the score within those first two words. Once they see “Hey [name],” they know that the end is coming. Your only job is to give them a blindfold and a cigarette, then make sure the deed is as quick and painless as possible. .
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@joshetyler
@joshetyler
Is that scarier than seeing a text that starts with “I just think it’s funny how/that…”?
I made the mistake once of responding to a “I think it’s funny that…” bitch out text with “that is funny”. I thought she was going to end my life.
I just got paid 9k dollar working off my laptop this month. And if you think that’s cool, my divorced friend has twin toddlers and made over 14k dollar her first month. It feels so good making so much money when other people have to work for so much less. This is what I do… www.Jobzon3.com
“Dear Stan.. I wrote you but you still ain’t calling…”
HAHA this literally just happened to me 2 minutes ago. talk about timely!
Hapens to the best of us PK4P. Sup?
At least you aren’t getting ghosted anymore? #SmallVictories
Any text starting “I’ve been thinking lately” has rarely ever ended in anything positive.
Thinking is always bad
Getting this tattooed on my neck
Or I’m going to honest with you line. That was used by the last girl who gutted me.
Nothing good comes from thinking.
I used a letter text to profess my feelings and got met with “you’ll find another guy who makes you feel that way.” So that was fun.
I am so incredibly sorry for laughing at this.
Haha, it’s fine! Above all else, I never want someone who doesn’t want me.
That’s the spirit- and as hard as it probably was to hear, when you find someone who makes you feel that way again and reciprocates the feelings, you’ll be much better off.
Only thing worse than receiving the “Hey [insert name]” text, is receiving that followed by the “We need to talk” back-to-back double text.
“Hey [insert name]”…”I’m pregnant”
Yep that would be worse
Anyone who says they’re pregnant over text is a psychopath
I feel weirded out whenever someone includes my first name in any kind of text, someone feels weirdly too intimate and mildly inappropriate
The weird part to me is that I am uncomfortable when it is someone I am close with.But I don’t mind when it’s someone I haven’t talked to in years.
What a time to be alive.
Same goes for “hey, listen….”
Follow up article: Preferred method of being dumped? 1. In person 2. Phone call 3. Text 4. Ghosted
^^ would love to read this. Though I think it all depends on your history/how long you’ve been together.
Completely agree.