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It just took me 45 minutes to buy a single bag of cauliflower rice at Whole Foods, and I. Am. Fuming. Did I make mistakes? Of course. My first mistake was going to Whole Foods at all, something I almost never do. In between the outrageous prices, insufferable people, and the purposefully esoteric product names (Seriously? “Veganic Sprouted Ancient Maize Flakes?” That’s what they’re calling corn flakes?), that grocery store is a fucking nightmare, even on the best days. And I did not go on the best day.
I went on Sunday. At 6 p.m. Primetime. My second mistake. The aisles were packed with parents, screaming kids who were probably named something like Luna or Christof, and late-twenties couples fighting over which identical, overpriced gelato to get. Even for a Sunday, however, it seemed packed. Like, over-capacity-for-the-fire-code packed. But why? Why was this brand new, allegedly-the-second-largest-Whole-Foods-in-the-nation packed?
Because its 2018, and grocery stores are no longer just grocery stores. They’re now an experience, and it’s ruining my ability to shop. This Whole Foods not only sells groceries; it also houses a bakery, a deli, three restaurants, a wine bar, a seafood bar, a pizza kitchen, an Amazon post office, and an ice cream shop. That’s way too many things to offer in one location, especially a location where people are trying to push giant carts around.
And this isn’t just contained to Whole Foods. Mariano’s offers cooking classes, sports bars in the middle of the store, and to-go wine to drink while you shop. Hell, even Target has jumped on board the “shopping experience” with to-go wine. And I’m fucking sick of it.
Here’s what I want when I go food shopping: To get in, have room to fit through the aisles, toss my weekly groceries (ground turkey, pasta, sauce, avocados, cauliflower rice, and several frozen mini corn dog packs) in my cart, pay the cashier, and get the fuck out of the store in under 20 minutes. I’m not there for an “experience,” I’m there to trade my money for food so I can eat. It’s a simple transaction that all you bougie bitches have been making a complicated mess.
Why do you need this experience to be fulfilling? Do you require a glass of wine to sip on while you buy a shirt? Does your dry cleaner offer ironing classes? Then why the grocery store? Don’t get me wrong, I understand the appeal of all of these services and products, but in separate locations. I love eating at restaurants, but have no desire to eat at a restaurant in a grocery store. Are people going there because they love the vibe of airport dining, but sadly have no trips planned?
Do I like going to cooking classes? Of course. I’ve got a sushi-making one coming up that I’m stoked on. Do I want to take that same class, except this time I’m in a loud warehouse with people bumping me with carts? Not at all. And finally, what’s with the wine? I think we all know I enjoy a good glass of… well, any alcohol. But sure, wine as well. Catching a nice buzz? Big fan. And yet, there are parts of my life during which I don’t feel the need to drink alcohol, and grocery shopping is one of them. (The movie theatre is another, but that’s the topic of a whole other article entitled “Stop Making The Theater Fancier, Just Make Tickets Cheaper”). The grocery store is not a location I need to truly savor with a nice glass of pinot grigio. Grocery shopping isn’t a day at the spa; it’s a fucking trip to a warehouse that stores my food.
The point is, not everything has to be a full-fledged experience. It’s okay to just offer groceries. It’s okay to want to get in and out of a store as fast as possible and not spend two-and-a-half hours perusing, tasting, and hanging out. Grocery stores are just that — stores that sell groceries. If you want to go out to eat, go to a restaurant. If you want to go watch the game and get a beer, go to a bar. If you want frozen yogurt, go to a Yogurtland. And let my hungover ass get my groceries and go back to my couch..
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Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
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Hell is probably just a giant, crowded grocery store
A real life Food and Stuff would be tight.
Walmart. You’re thinking of Walmart.
Fuck outta here, Icetown.
Trader Joe’s is the way to go. No frills, just reasonable prices
I prefer its communist-utopia cousin, Aldi.
just read Jenna’s article…and the food contamination has spread to Trader Joe’s!
Trader Joes sucks. The layout is terrible, every single one is located in a place that has 0 parking, and the selection of goods is mediocre at best, even in the produce section. Decently priced wine is great though.
Mine has a parking garage. Very convenient
I’m with you on the parking. But the prices and selection are excellent. Although with produce the best place is usually the farmers market or Costco in my experience
TJ’s lack of parking and questionable layout is 100% redeemed by its insanely good prices on fancy cheeses and booze.
Publix all day baby
Went to Publix last week on vacation, way overrated. Y’all need to calm down with the hype
If you’re looking for a cheap suitcase of vacay macrobrews, it’s not the place. If you’re lookin for the best damn all-around grocery store on either side of the Mississippi, it’s unbeatable.
I was there for a weeks worth of supplies and honestly, it’s just a normal grocery store. Nothing awesome, nothing terrible, just extremely average.
I feel that, but there is an emotional connection that helps look beyond the averageness of it. Publix hot subs might help change your opinion though. I suggest you try one if the opportunity presents itself.
I also recently went to one and had a sub for the first time. Chicken tender was really good. Actual store itself was like a Tom Thumb I think.
it’s the subs (as everyone else said) and also the customer service. I’ve NEVER had bad service there
And the cookies. Don’t forget about the cookies.
Did you get the chicken tender pub sub?
Just go to Stop and Shop what’s with this obsession over Whole foods
Aka “Giant” for those of us not in the New England/New York area.
Guess it’s time for me to chime in and reiterate that Wegman’s is the GOAT grocery store. A yard and access to that bastion of grocery bliss on a daily basis are the two reasons I’d tolerate moving out to the suburbs
Wegmans ❤️
I don’t know what one can really complain about “all you bougie bitches” while buying cauliflower rice
Most grocery stores deliver now. If you don’t like the ‘grocery store experience’, you don’t have to go. Just order online and get your food in an hour or two.
they do this so they can then sell you that “buy your groceries online and get them shipped to your door” service so you can skip it all
really dig this username
I’m not taking the bait. I lie to the Whole Foods cashier when asked if I have Amazon Prime.
Started using Instacart a few months ago and never looked back. $4.99 for delivery is well worth it to avoid any and all parts of this experience.
if it were just $4.99 I would do it–but I cannot get onboard with the delivery fee plus the prices being higher. I’m too cheap