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My left leg is continuously bouncing up and down while my sweaty palm grips the mouse. My hands too shaky to hold the mouse, I let go and throw it forward out of frustration. I take a sip of my water and close my eyes to calm my nerves. I imagine myself in the captain’s chair of the pontoon, gliding across Lake Anna without a care in the world. I soon wake from my nirvana to a new email notification on my computer. This is it, this is what I’ve been dreading. This is the moment my life ends. Reality sets in.
We are looking forward to your appointment today at 12:00 p.m.! Any questions? Give us a call. See you soon! – FakeName Dental Care
Ah, the dentist. The forsaken dungeon that our parents forced us to go to growing up while never really going themselves. The deep dark secret evil that our parents hid from us for 18 years. Hell on earth filled with talkative hygienists, sharp metal tools, other victims, and the smell of rubber gloves. Here’s some things I would rather do than go to the dentist:
• Slam my balls shut in a car door.
• Hang out with Lena Dunham.
• Drop a cinderblock on my balls.
• Glues all my fingers and toes together.
• Have Zlatan Ibrahimovic kick me in the balls.
You get the point.
Sure, the dentist is good for you and is the main reason I still have all my teeth in good condition. Sure, the dentist can prevent a lot of serious health problems and teach me good dental hygiene. Sure, the dentist is probably a necessary aspect of life that we should all take advantage of. Sure, my insurance is paying for it, so it’s not even bad. But is it worth it?
Is it worth some loopy lady in her 60s telling you about her grandkids while she stabs you in the gums? Is it worth her asking you questions that require a sentence long answer even though she has your mouth pried open? Is it worth listening to her talk about how she doesn’t understand why no one will date her daughter while she stabs you in the gums? Is it worth her talking about her most recent (and fourth) divorce while she stabs you in the gums? Is it worth her telling you, “Your gums are swollen! Better job flossing okay?” while she continues to stab you in your already bleeding gums? I argue that no, it is not worth it.
I went six years in a row without stepping into a dentist’s office. When I finally returned I had zero cavities, zero issues, and my teeth looked “great” according to my crazy hygienist. So my argument is, do we really need the dentist? Is the dentist just a giant scam to pull hundreds of dollars from us when in reality we can take care of our teeth just fine on our own? I need to hear what Alex Jones has to say about this.
Not to mention the pain and torture, but can we talk about how awkward the dentist is? It’s quieter than most doctor’s offices and often has an open floor plan. That means you can hear everything going on, including the receptionist argue with insurance companies on the phone. Your hygienist will always give you this creepy admiring look, but she’s not excited to see you. She just wants to crank your mouth open and get to work because it’s her “passion.” Then come all the awkward life questions, all the passive aggressive digs at your flossing habits, and all the forced laughter (at least from your end). The dentist doesn’t even see you until the very end, and that interaction is nothing but smug “haha I am a dentist and you are inferior” talk that sounds like a rehearsed sales pitch. I don’t know about you, but I think the dentist is overrated.
I picked up my phone and dialed those ten dreaded digits.
“Hi, my name’s Delph and I have an appointment later on. Yeah, I need to cancel.” .
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FWIW – I got a note from my dentist on Match.com recently saying she was newly divorced and always thought I was cute when I came into her office. Not only did she not get a response, but I am in the market for a new dentist.
Shooters shoot.
I guess she isn’t hot?
If she was hot I would have let her give me pointers on how I’m taking shitty care of my teeth during our first date…
She’s rich though. And she’s already had one divorce, you could come out ahead if you play your cards right.
And there’s probably a reason she’s divorced
I’m just picturing Jennifer Anniston in Horrible Bosses, tbh.
Dentist trips were great when you were a 13-year-old and lived for the breast-to-shoulder touch from the hot dental assistant.
Actually, those are still enjoyable 17 years later.
What do shooters do? Asking for a friend
“Hang out with Lena Dunham?” But are you sure though?
ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I don’t mind dentist trips tbh. Yeah my mouth hurts for a while but getting praised for having excellent teeth in spite of my poor flossing habits is exactly the kind of backhanded compliment I crave in my daily life. Now that I think about it the open flood plan thing is pretty weird though…
Damn it, dude. I have one of those ridiculously fancy electric toothbrushes that I use 2-3 times a day and I floss regularly, yet the fuckers STILL found cavities at my last appointment.
Stop eating and drinking sweets.
Fuck you buddy… the dentist office is hell on earth
1. Your username is “Negga” you’re already on deck to catch these hands.
2. Don’t rag on me because your mouth has a bleaker future than Ronda Rousey’s fighting career. I got these teeth the same way I got my jawline and metabolism: hard work, dedication, and mostly amazing genetics.
3. Don’t you ever @ me again.
“And down goes Frazier.”
Damn rough day for me… I shouldn’t have messed with you. I was left in “shambles”. I guess I deserve it though
Take it easy on your balls, Delph
Yeah, I’m going to keep going to the dentist.
16 weeks chew free this past Tuesday. Holler at your boy.
You’ll be glad you quit, and so will your dentist. You can do it, man.
This was supposed to be a response to someone else.. damn it, these 2 new interns need to get on that edit button ASAP
Almost 24 and still go to the pediatric dentist. Way better. We also bond over our mutual interest in shooting guns.
Side note: when you said glue your fingers and toes together did you mean on each hand/foot or glue them together so you have 20 digits connected and the only way you can move is by rolling around because you’ve essentially glued yourself into a little ball?
the little ball, glad you caught that
I also would like some clarification on the hand gluing. Are you gluing fingers and toes separately, so you’re like an amphibian and/or 4 limbed pirate peg, or the rolly-giant glue ball as suggested? Because now I think I would like to see the glue ball.
Dude, get the little floss picks. I hate flossing with regular floss, I don’t even think twice about using those things twice a day. Plus that way you don’t have to lie to the dentist about when the last time you flossed was. (They know you don’t floss, you dirty liar.)
I tell all of my patients about those floss picks. I love em!
Low key love the dentist.