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What your signature drink is may be one of the most personal and special parts of a human being’s soul. Just like the shoes you’re wearing, your drink puts a vibe out to the bar. It tells them who you are, what makes you tick and what kind of fight you could potentially start in four hours. As someone who believes her opinion is always appreciated, these are the judgments I make about you based on what you’re drinking.
Whiskey, on the rocks or neat:
This one depends entirely on the surroundings. If we’re at an establishment that has a real spirits menu and Edison bulbs, I’ve already called dibs on you to my friends and you’re gonna have to flash a wedding ring to make me stop hitting on you. If we’re at the type of establishment that uses bras as décor, you are easily the most pretentious man in the world. You’re no doubt wearing black Vans and have negative opinions about Taylor Swift and other “mainstream” artists. You will definitely have a girl yell “Fuck you!” when you try to tell her that 1989 was a lyrically shallow album.
You’re a solid dude. My dad would probably approve of you. You’ve probably got a killer playlist ready to hit the juke box. Whiskey is a slippery slope though, and before you know it, you’re cursing out the bartender because he skipped your song (granted, it was the third time in an hour you played “Closer”). You eventually get kicked out of the bar because you cussed out the same bartender for making 10 vodka cranberries for the girls next to you before making your drink. You will probably leave your ex a voicemail tonight.
As Ron Swanson said, clear alcohols are for rich women on diets. Not a twenty-something watching the Blackhawks at a college bar or rapping along to the few verses he knows of the Drake song currently playing. The only real acceptable mixer for vodka as a man is Redbull, and in that case, you’re definitely punching a wall tonight because some other dude told you Lebron James was overrated.
Anyone who drinks tequila that’s not a margarita or followed by lime and salt is a grade-A maniac. Everyone has a very distinct memory (or lack of) when you mention the words “The Tequila Night.” Mine involves a party I hosted where I blacked out by 11 p.m., leaving my house unattended and horrifically trashed. So when you meet someone who chooses to live their life in a constant state of “tequila nights,” you know there’s something wrong. You’re not getting in a fight with a human tonight. You’ve got bigger fish to fry. You’ll probably end up getting arrested for trying to steal a manhole cover.
Who are gin guys anyway? I know a lot of girls that consistently order gin and tonics, but guys? Not so much. They’re probably going to get in a fight with some guy who told them gin and tonics are a chick drink.
I shit you not, I’ve watched full grown males order 32 ounces at a time of these. These humans are not starting any fight with anybody because they will be sprinting home by 11 and spending the rest of the night sitting on the toilet.
This guy is a lot like the guy who orders a whiskey neat at a college sports bar, but he’s also going to have a beanie on and not shut up about how great Lollapalooza was. Even though he’s dropping a Hamilton on a beer, he’ll justify it by saying some bullshit about hops and IBUs. He’ll undoubtedly share his unprovoked opinion on why he’s a feminist because he follows Amy Schumer on Twitter. I’m probably going to get in a fight with this guy.
This is your guy. Your Jim Halpert. A true all-American gent. He’s gonna knock back an impressive amount of these and still walk you home. Unfortunately, he probably showed up to the bar with tequila guy and will spend the latter half of the night talking him out of stealing the manhole cover..
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