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I don’t make grandiose claims often. If anything, I get criticized for having “lukewarm takes,” which I would argue are simply “correct” takes. Not every “take” needs to be scorching or outlandish. Sometimes, you just have to know what hand you’re dealt and play it as you see fit.
But I’m going to make a grandiose claim. The following tweet — a ranking of the ice found in drinks and cocktails alike — is the most accurate ranking I’ve ever assembled.
the definitive and correct ranking of ice from the world’s largest ice chewing connoisseur:
9. whiskey ball
6. gourmet / full-dice
2. tubular nugget
thank you for your time, no questions please
— will defries (@WilldeFries) May 14, 2018
More often than not after tweeting rankings, I am met with a lot of blowback. See as follows.
the official ranking of ways to prepare eggs
7. hard boiled
6. fried (any style)
3. soft boiled
2. soft scramble
thank you for your attention, we will not be taking any input at this time
— will defries (@WilldeFries) February 27, 2018
Deviled eggs taking the top spot with soft scrambies immediately following? How dare I?
the non-negotiable ranking of sparkling waters*
6. canada dry
4. topo chico
3. acqua panna
2. san pelly
1. clearly canadian
*lacroix has been left off of this official list because it is — despite popular opinion — bad and not good
— will defries (@WilldeFries) January 25, 2018
Clearly Canadian? No one has enjoyed one of those since the ’90s (but yes, they still go).
ranking the types of pretzels
1. sticks (both dipping and normal)
5. pieces (flavored)
the book has officially been closed and no additional conversation is needed, thank you
— will defries (@WilldeFries) December 8, 2017
Quite possibly my most controversial (yet still correct) take was about pretzels. Even close to six months later, I would’t change a thing.
the definitive non-negotiable ranking of jolly rancher flavors
4. blue raspberry
5. green apple
— will defries (@WilldeFries) November 16, 2017
Everyone knows that Grape Jolly Ranchers are unquestionably the best, with Green Apple coming in last. I’m one of the many people in the world who cough after eating Green Jolly Ranchers, so I will admit that I am slightly biased.
the official non-negotiable ranking of christmas movies:
1. love actually
2. family stone
3. home alone 2: lost in new york
4. home alone
5. miracle on 34th street
— will defries (@WilldeFries) November 13, 2017
Again, 100 percent correct. Elf is overrated and Love Actually is everything you could possibly want out of a holiday feature film.
the proper and only ranking of friends characters
— will defries (@WilldeFries) February 25, 2017
This “take” was the closest I’ve been to getting Twitter ratio’d, and even then am I not willing to budge.
But back to the ice. Ice is something I hold near and dear to my heart. Call it an “iron deficiency” or a habit I acquired because I wanted to be like noted ice chewer and former Red Wings Coach Scotty Bowman, I don’t care. Chewing ice is something I do all day, every day. Which is why I am positive I have enough clout to stand behind my rankings.
9. Whiskey Ball
Whiskey balls/spheres/cubes are absolute garbage. They’re difficult for the Regular Joe to make, they’re oversized, and they’re gimmicky. Sure, they make a good stocking stuffer and will sell on Sharper Image because everyone’s a whiskey aficianado these days, but I will never use this over any other kind of ice.
Hardos (read: the comment section) are going to say that you should drink everything neat, but that’s not why we’re here. Deal with it.
This is your most common type of ice. The ice you’ll get out of your refrigerator’s automated ice machine. While acceptable if you’re hungover on the couch drinking a nice lemon-water, it’s still bottom of the barrel. When I see canoes shoot out of an ice maker, a small part of me dies. Obviously I still wait for it to melt a bit and then chew the living shit out of it, but still, part of me does indeed die.
Half-dice ice is just begging to cut your mouth. One wrong slip of the tongue and you’re mending that wound for close to three days. Your gums, the roof of your mouth, your throat — everything’s up for grabs when these things slide from out of your glass and into your mouth.
The good part? Money for large ice waters sipped out of a 32-ounce glass. Money.
6. Gourmet / Full-Dice
The older brother to half-dice, full-dice (commonly referred to as “gourmet”) isn’t much better. Half- and full-dice could be 6A and 6B for all I’m concerned. The only benefit to full-dice is that you’re less likely to cut your mouth on it because there’s more surface area for your molars to latch on to.
Rarely seen, “regular” ice is still a classic. Solid throughout, it’s great cocktail ice and decent chewing ice. You’re never going to be upset if a restaurant brings you regular ice, but you’re also not going to go somewhere that serves it purely because they serve it. Proceed with caution, though. This ice is primed for a visit to the dentist if you’re not careful.
Untraditional in the course of this list? Yeah. Worthy of the number four slot? Of course.
On a hot day when you can’t escape the heat and you’re sweating through your shorts, nothing cures it for a brief moment like that of a shaved ice with some sugar-filled flavoring drizzled all over it. You can’t use it for cocktails or pop, but it’s a delight nonetheless.
Now we’re in the wheelhouse. Crushed ice isn’t often found at your big box restaurants but it goes well with craft cocktails such as Mint Juleps. It’ll melt fast so that you can’t just babysit your drink so it’s essential you get after it fast so it doesn’t deteriorate before you know it.
2. Tubular Nugget
Have you ever put a tubular nugget on your back teeth and just slowly pressed down on it? Quite possibly the greatest feeling in the world. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, it’ll even compress into an ice cube with more integrity. It’s a viable substitute for the greatest ice in the world — Sonic Ice — and is worthy of going to an establishment purely because their ice machine spits it out. The best? No, but close.
To those claiming that tubular nuggets are similar to Sonic ice — false. Slightly larger in size with increased length, real ice chewers will know the difference.
The Undisputed Ice Champion of the World. Sonic ice — named for its popularity at Sonic restaurants but also found elsewhere — is the single greatest ice this planet can offer. Just imagining the sound it makes as it dumps into a plastic glass gives me literal chills down my spine. Great for a Coca-Cola Classic or an Arnie Palmie, it will never be replaced at the top of this list. Simply the best, better than all the rest. .