Archive
Articles

The Definitive Ranking Of Ice

by May 15, 2018
41 Comments • 35

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

The Definitive Ranking Of Ice

I don’t make grandiose claims often. If anything, I get criticized for having “lukewarm takes,” which I would argue are simply “correct” takes. Not every “take” needs to be scorching or outlandish. Sometimes, you just have to know what hand you’re dealt and play it as you see fit.

But I’m going to make a grandiose claim. The following tweet — a ranking of the ice found in drinks and cocktails alike — is the most accurate ranking I’ve ever assembled.

More often than not after tweeting rankings, I am met with a lot of blowback. See as follows.

Deviled eggs taking the top spot with soft scrambies immediately following? How dare I?

Clearly Canadian? No one has enjoyed one of those since the ’90s (but yes, they still go).

Quite possibly my most controversial (yet still correct) take was about pretzels. Even close to six months later, I would’t change a thing.

Everyone knows that Grape Jolly Ranchers are unquestionably the best, with Green Apple coming in last. I’m one of the many people in the world who cough after eating Green Jolly Ranchers, so I will admit that I am slightly biased.

Again, 100 percent correct. Elf is overrated and Love Actually is everything you could possibly want out of a holiday feature film.

This “take” was the closest I’ve been to getting Twitter ratio’d, and even then am I not willing to budge.

But back to the ice. Ice is something I hold near and dear to my heart. Call it an “iron deficiency” or a habit I acquired because I wanted to be like noted ice chewer and former Red Wings Coach Scotty Bowman, I don’t care. Chewing ice is something I do all day, every day. Which is why I am positive I have enough clout to stand behind my rankings.

9. Whiskey Ball

5493984028_67048a5467_b

Whiskey balls/spheres/cubes are absolute garbage. They’re difficult for the Regular Joe to make, they’re oversized, and they’re gimmicky. Sure, they make a good stocking stuffer and will sell on Sharper Image because everyone’s a whiskey aficianado these days, but I will never use this over any other kind of ice.

Hardos (read: the comment section) are going to say that you should drink everything neat, but that’s not why we’re here. Deal with it.

8. Crescent

tabletop_ice_cresent4

This is your most common type of ice. The ice you’ll get out of your refrigerator’s automated ice machine. While acceptable if you’re hungover on the couch drinking a nice lemon-water, it’s still bottom of the barrel. When I see canoes shoot out of an ice maker, a small part of me dies. Obviously I still wait for it to melt a bit and then chew the living shit out of it, but still, part of me does indeed die.

7. Half-Dice

scotsman-ice-machines-cube-ice-sizes

Half-dice ice is just begging to cut your mouth. One wrong slip of the tongue and you’re mending that wound for close to three days. Your gums, the roof of your mouth, your throat — everything’s up for grabs when these things slide from out of your glass and into your mouth.

The good part? Money for large ice waters sipped out of a 32-ounce glass. Money.

6. Gourmet / Full-Dice

scotsman-ice-machines-cube-ice-sizes

The older brother to half-dice, full-dice (commonly referred to as “gourmet”) isn’t much better. Half- and full-dice could be 6A and 6B for all I’m concerned. The only benefit to full-dice is that you’re less likely to cut your mouth on it because there’s more surface area for your molars to latch on to.

5. Regular

61-Twn7Mh+L._SL1000_

Rarely seen, “regular” ice is still a classic. Solid throughout, it’s great cocktail ice and decent chewing ice. You’re never going to be upset if a restaurant brings you regular ice, but you’re also not going to go somewhere that serves it purely because they serve it. Proceed with caution, though. This ice is primed for a visit to the dentist if you’re not careful.

4. Shaved

6022518895_50554b2a61_b

Untraditional in the course of this list? Yeah. Worthy of the number four slot? Of course.

On a hot day when you can’t escape the heat and you’re sweating through your shorts, nothing cures it for a brief moment like that of a shaved ice with some sugar-filled flavoring drizzled all over it. You can’t use it for cocktails or pop, but it’s a delight nonetheless.

3. Crushed

Now we’re in the wheelhouse. Crushed ice isn’t often found at your big box restaurants but it goes well with craft cocktails such as Mint Juleps. It’ll melt fast so that you can’t just babysit your drink so it’s essential you get after it fast so it doesn’t deteriorate before you know it.

2. Tubular Nugget

ice

Have you ever put a tubular nugget on your back teeth and just slowly pressed down on it? Quite possibly the greatest feeling in the world. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, it’ll even compress into an ice cube with more integrity. It’s a viable substitute for the greatest ice in the world — Sonic Ice — and is worthy of going to an establishment purely because their ice machine spits it out. The best? No, but close.

To those claiming that tubular nuggets are similar to Sonic ice — false. Slightly larger in size with increased length, real ice chewers will know the difference.

1. Sonic

The Undisputed Ice Champion of the World. Sonic ice — named for its popularity at Sonic restaurants but also found elsewhere — is the single greatest ice this planet can offer. Just imagining the sound it makes as it dumps into a plastic glass gives me literal chills down my spine. Great for a Coca-Cola Classic or an Arnie Palmie, it will never be replaced at the top of this list. Simply the best, better than all the rest.

35
Respond

Email this to a friend

41 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

Show Comments

New Stories

© Grandex Media 2024 | Advertise with us