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The autumn wind has begun sweeping down the plains. Soon enough, it’ll be 70 degrees, sunny and your biggest rival has come to town. Your Saturdays during the fall semester were once spent chugging down Natty Light out of a trash can and chasing off last night’s hangover with some Popov and Tropicana.
You’re a grown up now, though. Look at how you’ve blossomed. You aren’t even posting daily “I can’t adult today” memes on your Instagram story anymore. We’ve come a long way. Passing out in a truck bed an hour before kickoff isn’t exactly acceptable anymore. You should know that by now. College football as an adult is a different ballgame. Decorum, etiquette, good behavior and decency are all required of you now. Well, to a degree.
Attire
You want to exude class in your attire. Your ensemble needs to scream “You’re damn right I went to this institution. It’s well worth the price of tuition. How else do you think I could afford seven different Nike Dri-Fits?” A good gameday polo or logo button down with a slick pair of jeans and good shoes (boots, loafers or nice sandals only) will project the air of elitism every alum needs on gameday. You went to a public institution and are in a superior tax bracket. You have earned the right to look this good. Show up in an old hoodie or faded t-shirt and pay the price. Look good, play good. And remember, NO JERSEYS.
Endowment
Donate. Donate, donate, donate to your school’s scholarship fund. Like the old saying goes, “If you don’t vote, you can’t complain.” Well, if you don’t donate, you don’t get to say the coach should be fired after a 3-2 start. Being a donor carries significant clout. The confidence of knowing that your $50 annual donation is paying for ¼ of a textbook for a third string tight end is empowering.
Refreshments
Gameday is a day for cutting it loose. Remember what I said about looking good and playing good? You gotta look put together on gameday so people don’t notice when you start to unravel. The stress of gameday can get to the best of us and the best way to relieve that stress is with, like, 10 Moscow mules. It’s a judgement free zone at the tailgate, but people will start to worry about you if you can’t hold it together before and during the game. After the game, it’s an absolute free-for-all. Moderation is your friend, but work up that healthy buzz and make sure you actually remember going into the stadium.
Travel/Lodging
The days of shacking up in your buddy’s four-bedroom/two-bath off-campus apartment are over. Number one: You’re too old to know anyone who might actually still be in school here. Number two: You’re about that points life now. Your Marriott points are just as good at the Fairfield Inn off the highway as they are at the J.W. Marriott in Vegas. Or just spring for an Airbnb near campus and spare yourself the embarrassment of waking up on a college kid’s couch they bought on Craigslist for $75.
Away Game Decorum
Represent your school with honor and dignity. This means acting courteous to your hosts, thanking people who assist you during your visit and mercilessly shit talking your opponent when provoked. Never throw the first jab. If some little white trash kid starts squealing “TIGER BAIT” at you, you simply give him a grin, crouch down, put your hand on his shoulder, look deeply into his innocent eyes and tell him he will never amount to anything with those kind of manners and that bait shop he’s going to open when he’s 35 with his long haul trucking money will fold in less than 18 months.
Inside Info
Every alum needs an insider. Letting people know that your “guy in the ticket office” said that Gary Patterson was in town looking at houses last week makes you seem like someone who is really connected. Maybe you were talking with curator’s nephew who said that the board is looking at adding an additional 10,000 seats in the south endzone. Doesn’t matter. You’re connected. You know things.
Stadium Conduct
Let me put this bluntly: getting kicked out of the stadium is for freshmen and townies. Sing the fight song and stay for the alma mater. Stand up and get loud on third down. Relentlessly criticize the targeting rule.
Bar Etiquette
Always buy younger kids shots and over-tip the bartender who’s been lining up Fireball for you since your freshman year. Always pay it forward. Act like you’ve been there before, because you have.
Enjoy these next four months. The road to Santa Clara starts Saturday (or Thursday)..
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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I’m gonna add one more line item: Rest. Don’t show up to the tailgate still drunk operating on less than a few hours of sleep.
Or, just take an RV for a spin and park in the overnight lot. Problem solved when the tailgate is at your “hotel”
“make sure you actually remember going into the stadium.” @GreatHambino
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Living only 2 1/2 hours from the alma mater is truly a blessing and a curse, but by god I will be there in full force 6 times in the next 4 months.
Loved every word of this. Nice.
Go Cougs
Go Cougs.
Get Gary Patterson’s name out your mouth Brian
Failure to do so will cost your school a shot at him, ask K-State fans.
Went to undergrad at a D3 school and now I’m headed to grad school at a D1 school next week. Any recommendations for what’s acceptable? The football team is also hot garbage so there’s that
Skip the DIII game and watch DI on tv
Go tailgate with some friends and then head home once the game starts so you can watch some better football
What’s the etiquette on college coeds, Bri?
Half your age plus seven, my friend.
The half your age plus seven rule telling you last year was your final year of eligibility to hit on freshmen. PGP
You’re a gentleman and a scholar, Brian.
I cannot wait for Saturday. I honestly feel a little bad for Oregon State
Flying out Friday, donning my 2018 National Champions OSU hat all weekend long. See you there, friend.
Unfortunately I won’t be there this weekend. Heading up in November to the Nebraska game with my Dad for our yearly visit. Enjoy it though and say hey to the little bar for me.
I don’t wanna beat them, I want to embarrass them.
We do a good enough job of that ourselves, trust me.
I thoroughly enjoyed Week Zero as UMass put up 63.
Ladies and Gents, this will be a superb College Football season. Keep your beer cold, eat some food, and make some friends at the tailgate.
Football’s dying just as fast as baseball. NCAA and NFL owners still have the plantation mentality. As much as y’all might hate to hear this, NBA & MLS is the future of sports in America
via GIPHY
MLS. LOL
No one asked you. We know it’s dying, so let us enjoy what we have left in peace.
Fuck the targeting rule
Best sports time of the year is quickly approaching
Sandals to a tailgate/game? Bold move.
What’s are the standards on dropping by the old fraternity’s tailgate?
What’s the protocol on visiting the old fraternity tailgate?
If you’re a very recent grad and still know guys there I’d say go for it. If you literally don’t know any of the kids that are active then it’s definitely not the move. You guys should have an alumni tailgate for the old balls.
Homecoming and Dad’s Weekend only for me.
2-3 beers and don’t linger
A friend of mine almost lost his toe at an ECU tailgate because of sandals.. 10/10 do not recommend.