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The first time I knew I loved phone calls with a romantic acquaintance was in the 8th grade. A boy I liked called my house phone to ask my dad permission if he could accompany me on a morning run on the beach before school. My dad kind of shrugged and said, “She gets to decide who she wants to go on running dates with,” and then handed me the phone. In nervous, disjointed, pre-pubescent sentences J.J. and I planned our first date – a run along the beach at 6 a.m. My dad followed us the whole way.
Soon after our very first run, my crush moved onto another far less tomboyish girl in our class. But regardless of middle school heartbreak, my love for the phone call lived on.
Even as a fledgling adult fully immersed in the dating game where texting is king and emoji preference has the uncanny ability to sway a suitors fancy, I find phone calls an ever useful skill in my courtship toolbelt. While texting may be the Philips head screwdriver of communication, phone calls are the level. Sure, you may not “need” one, you certainly didn’t use one in college, but now that you’re an adult, good fucking luck getting anything straight without it.
Phone calls in the nascent stages of dating can be used in a variety of circumstances. Want to plan the logistics of a second date? Hop on a one-minute phone call instead of going back and forth for 30 minutes about which sushi spot has the latest happy hour. Running late for a first date at a bar not far from your office? Give the person a call to apologize and assure them you’re on the way. Didn’t get a chance to connect this weekend but you’re four dates in and really feeling him? Give him a ring on Sunday evening to check in and say hello! In my opinion, phone calls are the perfect antidote for any arduous texting conversation or long-awaited hello.
I have never been afraid of the phone call, maybe because I’m generally talkative or maybe because I figure if you’re going to date me in real life you have to be able to handle my awkwardness over the phone as well. I think it’s considerate when a guy calls me to make sure I got home safe, and I like to catch up over the phone rather than go through the same texting back and forth I’ve done so many times before. I think a phone call signifies the person is thinking about me far more than a quick text message, and vice-versa. There’s something about a voice that peels back the layers of noncommittal app dating we are so frequently confronted with.
Sometimes, I’ll give a guy a call before a first date either to ease my nerves or to confirm that they’re even slightly as funny over the phone as they are over text. I know a few people that will even go as far as to FaceTime someone they’ve met on a dating app before they go out with them, to get a better read on the person and to weed out any potential catfish aficionados. That’s too much work for me, but I can see the advantages.
Point being, I’m all in on the quick phone call. I mean, let’s certainly make it under 20 minutes. I’m not going to spend an hour each evening going back and forth about the intricacies of what you ate for lunch. But if you get me on the phone for a quick back and forth it will only serve to make me both more comfortable and work to help us get to know each other better. What’s the harm in that?
Apparently, there is quite a bit of harm.
You can imagine my surprise when, upon mentioning the post date phone call in past articles, readers thought I was insane. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of reasons to call me insane (check any recent comment section if you’re lacking fodder), but should my phone call take really be one of them?
Because I am a committed journalist with nothing but the highest esteem for all things data-centric, I conducted a very scientific, highly precise survey via Instagram DM on this exact matter. (Academic sources available upon request.)
After about 24 hours, it became clear that the answers far more divisive than I thought. They were so polarized in fact, that I began to wonder if there is any norm at all when it comes to phone calls during the nascent stages of dating. Could this be the one dating standard without a status quo?
While the study left me with nothing but a divided result, at least I was able to identify the vast scope of feelings towards this matter. Below are a few examples of responses I received from readers (with my comments, of course, because it’s my column and I can do as I please):
“Absolutely not. Texting is my only method of contact unless we’re properly an item.”
This is an interesting take considering that I would never become “properly an item” with someone unless we’d talked on the phone a few times. Maybe we’re both stuck in our ways? It’s a shame, don’t you think?
“I literally only take phone calls from my grandmother or mother. I would rather an ice pick to the foot than talk to a girl I’m dating on the phone.”
First of all, you’re only taking calls from your grandmother or mother? That seems extreme. Not as extreme, however, as you preferring an ice pick to the foot overhearing my telephonic voice for 4-8 minutes. I implore you to re-evaluate.
“I love a phone call! It seems caring and like he’s put in a little more effort than a goodnight text. My boyfriend started calling me every night after our second date.”
Sweet Jesus, every night?! Now listen, you had me sold after the first two sentences. I too think a phone call shows a little bit of effort, and I’m an effort girl. That being said, calling someone EVERY SINGLE NIGHT following a second date screams stage five obsessive and I would walk away slowly, very slowly.
“I’ll call to set up the date. Also will call right before meeting for the first date to break the ice (if it’s a tinder/bumble/etc date). Nice to hear a voice. Personally I need to be in a relationship with someone if I’m going to have an extensive conversation on the phone. But quick calls to make plans or quick advice are possible after date 3.”
You, sir, seem pragmatic. Your tinder/bumble/etc date has found herself a very reasonable guy.
“I don’t want to call guys generally because I get nervous over the phone and I know I’ll probably say something stupid.”
Look, I hear you here. That being said, will you be any less nervous when you see them in person? What’s the difference between phone nerves and date nerves? Also, call me crazy but I think nervous stutters are a little bit cute. He’s not a speech therapist after all, and nerves are flattering. I’d advise you swallow your jitters and get on the phone, it’ll only make you more confident in real life.
“Nope it’s gotta be serious for that shit.”
He’s eloquent, too!
“If a girl wants to talk on the phone before we’ve been in a serious relationship for at least 9 months it means she’s super clingy. Even if it’s to plan a date or something, I am always wary of girls that call me.”
It is my personal opinion that you best become un-wary of this and have a quiet moment with yourself before you continuing dating, my friend. If you find a phone call before nine months in a serious relationship clingy, I can’t imagine how you feel about, I don’t know, meeting her friends?
“If a guy called me after a few dates I’d be weirded out because I’d think something was wrong or that he was obsessed with me. Even if he called a few times in a row, I probably wouldn’t answer and text him back.”
Aside from the fact that those two initial assumptions are polar opposites, I also think the text after multiple phone calls is pretty savage. Sure, it can work in some circumstances like “hey I’m out to dinner,” but eventually you’re going to have to answer the phone. I know this sounds crazy, but maybe he just wants to grab coffee and doesn’t want to either stalk you or dump you?
“I am very into the phone call after a few dates. It doesn’t have to be crazy, but like just to catch up or to see if she wants to do something this weekend it’s perfect. It makes me feel like we’re real people communicating instead of texting all the time.”
RT.
“To me getting a call after date one would be a serious red flag. To be fair though I would rather eat tide pods than talk on the phone with someone I don’t know very well.
The lack of body language makes it really difficult to gauge whether or not the interaction is going in a positive direction. I totally agree, however, in some situations it is totally valid for a quick call. The most obvious example I can think of would be a “where you at?” kind of call when you’ve already arrived at your date venue and cannot find them.”
I like this response because I honestly didn’t consider lack of body language in my quandary. I can see where this would apply if you haven’t yet gone on a first date, or if you need to have an important conversation which needs to be hashed out in person, but what about a quick call to say hello? I can’t imagine you’ll say something so horrific you need body language to evaluate her response.
So, what have we learned from the above survey of our peers? That we know nothing. There isn’t a single conclusive data point in this whole dumpster fire of a research project. In fact, it’s so all over the place that, dare I say there isn’t an industry standard at all when it comes to phone calls in a new relationship? I think I do.
But you know what, maybe it’s better we’ve seen such a wide variety of opinions on the matter! It means there are no rules, no normalcy in which to compare your partner. Go forth and use this study as evidence that the person you’re dating isn’t an insane outlier after all, but rather someone that just sits on the opposite aisle as you when it comes to giving their partner a ring.
Readers, let this analysis set you free! Instead of panicking when a suitor calls or finding it non-committal when one doesn’t, let’s accept the fact that everybody’s got their very own weirdo phone call style and things might take a little bit of awkward maneuvering until a decent rhythm is established.
In conclusion, my study was a failure but a failure I am happy to have achieved. It has proved what we have known all along, so often in dating there is no rhyme or reason, and we’re all just fumbling and bumbling around trying to make it work.
Still, though, I will say one thing. If he thinks a phone call is weird before your nine-month anniversary…run. .
Respond
CallMeVictoria
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I just go all out and FaceTime right away.
Dick pics are so 2017. 2018 is all about dick videos.
Girls love those. Especially when they come out of nowhere, with like zero context. Really lets them know you’re thinking about them.
Name checks out
Just tried this on the wife. Can confirm it doesn’t work. Looking forward to a silent dinner.
Count me in, Bill
Might explain the second part of your username
Texting blows, there’s too many mind games involved. I’ll take a straightforward 5 minutes on the phone 10/10 times.
Yeah, and at least with a phone call you can get a sense from their tone of how they are feeling, if they are being sarcastic, or whatever. Going back to the lack of body language person, you get far less contextual information from a text message than hearing a person’s voice. Texting is far too easy a crutch to hide behind instead of putting yourself out there. If 2018 is the year of shooting your shot, then shoot it in a more personal manner like a quick phone call from time to time.
Before a first date, the guy called to confirm the time and place. No one had ever done that before. We’re still together two years later. So yeah, I’m a fan of the phone call.
Before every first date, usually a friday, I’ll give a call to say I’m heading out of the office and confirming we’re good for time and place. I feel like it’s harder to decline a phone call than leave someone on “read” to get stood up.
Gets to the point in 2-5 minutes instead of 25 minutes of back and forth texting.
This seems like the move.
I broke up with a girl over the phone in a CVS. Great way to build character.
TFTC
I’m not a big phone call guy bc I think I sound dumb on the phone…
But then again, I’ve heard that you never really truly hear what your voice actually sounds like, whatever that means. Science or something.
Guys who are against pre-first date phone calls are coincidentally also the ones with unbearable voices
Honestly I apply phone calls to all aspects of my life. With my closest friends I’ll call them about once a month or so and we just catch up on. Talk about stories that would be confusing to tell through text and other BS.
I think that this has inspired me to work phone calls into my dating playbook. I still don’t like talking on the phone, but who knows maybe I’ll find someone worth the discomfort.
I had no idea people were this averse to phone calls, or that it was even this big of a debate. I thought it was just how people communicated. If I can’t talk to you on the phone, I probably don’t want to be texting you either.