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Twenty-nine enter. One leaves with a big ol’ engagement ring from Neil Lane. Twenty-eight leave with tears and a chance to go to Paradise. All leave with billions upon thousands of Instagram followers and the chance to quit their jobs and become “bloggers.” Newsflash, babe, this is blogging, not pushing Fit Tea and sharing your thoughts on dating.
It truly is the most wonderful time of year, and not because The Holiday and The Family Stone are on Lifetime every night. No, we’ve got The Bachelor coming New Year’s Day, and twenty-nine women with the potential to be the next talk of the town a la Corinne are walking out of a limo and into the hearts of America. Let’s meet the girls!
Ali: Her huge forehead jumps out to me, as does her rampant use of exclamation marks in her bio. She must have been edited by Elaine. She also admits to listening to Nickelback, and I can’t fathom why she’d admit this. Floor: first eliminated. Ceiling: Top 15.
Amber: Says her dream dinner has Kim Kardashian, Steve Jobs, and her grandfather, and I’m ROFLing at the thought of her grandfather trying to understand how Kim K and Steve J are somehow both cultural icons. She owns her own business in Denver, and her favorite fictional character is Ariel because she, and I quote “gets to marry Eric, what a stud.” That’s true, but Max stole the show in that movie. People forget that. Floor: First 10 eliminated. Ceiling: Top 10.
Annaliese: She’s 32, so certainly on the older side, which may be an advantage considering Arie is 36. She says her ideal date has laughter, wine, kissing, and good conversation. Her one-on-ones will probably have 3/4 and I bet you can guess which one I don’t think they’ll have. Floor: First 10 eliminated. Ceiling: Top 6.
Ashley: Her top three all-time movies are a murderer’s row: No Country for Old Men, Superbad, and The Family Stone. Sounds like a winner. HOWEVA, she says it takes her whole week to complete the laundry process “from washing to folding to putting it all away.” Smells like a commitment issue. Floor: First eliminated. Ceiling: Top 15.
Becca: This girl seems, ummm, interesting. She manages to mention Sister Act 2 TWICE in her bio. I mean sure, Back in the Habit is fun and all, but a movie that holds a solid 7% on Rotten Tomatoes should not appear twice anywhere in the same breath, let alone in a bio where you’re supposed to be describing yourself. Floor: First eliminated. Ceiling: Top 20.
Bekah: This girl looks spunky. She rocks the short hair look, and there’s no age listed in her bio so maybe she’s shrouded in mystery. She loves art and rock climbing, and has some decently thoughtful answers in her bio that stretch past mentioning pop culture icons and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit. Seems too down to earth to be good at the show, yet maybe cool enough to stick around a while. Floor: Top 20. Ceiling: Top 10.
Bibiana: With a name like that, you’ve gotta be bringing the heat, and ah, she is. She’s very “my type,” if you’re curious. A former Miami Dolphins cheerleader who says she secretly hates football and wishes she could be art. I’m intrigued by this one. Floor: Top 15. Ceiling: Fantasy Suite.
Bri: I LOLed when I read that her dream lunch is her grandma, Obama, and Audrey Hepburn, and that she’d “order a round of shots.” The mental image of this crew just ripping tequila AT LUNCH is wild. Anyone trying to order shots at lunch is reckless, so she could be a fun one this season for sure. I think she’s also a sideline reporter for the Trailblazers? Can someone from Oregon confirm this? Anyway, Crazy, Stupid, Love is her top all-time movie, and for that I am all in on Bri. Best rom-com of our time. Floor: Top 20. Ceiling: Hometowns.
Brittane: Says in five years she wants to own a wine and tapas bar, which, while I respect it, gets me thinking about tapas and how hungry I still am after I go out for tapas. Just an aside. Anyway, rumor has it a few years ago she was on the same dating show – “Ex Isle” – as Blake and Whaboom, so looks like she could be as volatile as those clowns. Also looks like that show is a great feeder program for The Bachelor franchise, fyi. Floor: Top 25. Ceiling: Top 15.
Brittany: When asked where she meets guys, she says, ” I don’t… jk. The past two I’ve met have been through dating apps and they’re terrible human beings.” #PGP. Also says she listens to “Everything is Awesome” from The Lego Movie, which is embarrassing, but not Sister Act 2 soundtrack level embarrassing. Floor: First eliminated. Ceiling: Top 15.
Caroline: Going to be a little favorite of mine because she’s from Mass. Little background research and oh hey! She was former Miss Massachusetts 2014, and Miss Massachusetts Teen in ’08. Her bio is a thunder factory. Her dream lunch? “Vince Vaughn, Betty White, and Ryan Reynolds. It would be a blast of a lunch and we’d pretend it was Betty’s birthday at a Hibachi restaurant!” Amazing! If you don’t like hibachi I don’t like you. Floor: Top 15. Ceiling: Winner.
Chelsea: She doesn’t like over-the-top PDA, so I’m not sure how well she’ll fair on this program. She also doesn’t mention it in her bio but sources are telling me she has a three-year-old. Could play well for keeping her around for a bit. Floor: Top 15. Ceiling: Top 6.
Jacqueline: I’m a fan, and it’s not just that she lives in NYC and there’s a chance we fall in love over our shared distaste for the fact that a side vodkie costs $12, but this girl seems wicked smaht. Wants to get her PhD in psychology, and currently works in research. And check this thoughtful AF to the question of what being married means: “Creating our own world. Creating our own values and goals. Becoming better people together. Respect, admiration, protection.” Swoon. Floor: First eliminated. Ceiling: Top 20.
Jenna: I lovedddd her answer to if she were to be a fruit, she’d be a pineapple, because “standing tall, wearing a crown and sweet on the inside.” (Me? I’d be a lima bean so everyone would just leave me the fuck alone). She broke her wrist on a mechanical bull once. We’ve all been there. Floor: Top 20. Ceiling: Hometowns.
Jenny: Another girl who mentions Crazy, Stupid, Love, so another rock star, IMO. She’s also, and I’m quoting here, afraid to marry the wrong guy, so she is HUNDO P in the right place. Floor: Top 20. Ceiling: Top 10.
Jessica: She already is an on-camera talent with more than 14k Insta followers, so is this a move to accelerate the brand? I mean yeah, but maybe something about love, too? She said kissing is her favorite food, and I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. Floor: Top 15. Ceiling: Fantasy Suite.
Kendall: Apparently she has a sister named Kylie and I’m not even joking. One time she “drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train” and also says she collects taxidermy. Girl seems like a ride on a roller coaster and I’m here for it. I think I’ve got her as an early star who’s going to shine too bright and fly too close to the proverbial sun. Floor: Top 20. Ceiling. Top 15.
Krystal: She’s a fitness coach who also competes, and if you Google her, she is ripped out of her mind. It’s intense but in a good way. She says things like “such and such is my jam” and that her cooking is “thebomb.com”, so she may be stuck in 2002 but only time will tell. Floor: First eliminated. Ceiling: Top 15.
Lauren B: Not Ben’s former Lauren, but a different Lauren B entirely. Whenever someone describes themselves as “fun to be around,” I always assume they’re firecrackers more volatile than that sick puppy Little Rocket Man. The most embarrassing thing she listens to is “T-Swift (so basic)” and I’m offended. Not embarrassing at all. Basic? Who cares. You know what, Lauren? I’m not sure we (me and Taylor), want you listening anymore, if you’re going to be embarrassed by it. Floor: Top 15. Ceiling: Hometowns.
Lauren G: In her Bachelor default picture, she has THE MOST aggressive head tilt game I’ve ever seen. She’s a fan of This Is Us so if I were a betting man (I am) I’d drop some money on her being one to cry a lot this season. Floor: Top 20. Ceiling: Top 10.
Lauren J: Another Lauren? Another Lauren! She’s 33 and recently got her Master’s. My favorite thing about her has to be this: her guilty pleasure is “Eating full meals in bed. Like putting a legit body towel over me and ordering pizza – no plates needed.” Effing brilliant. Floor: First eliminated. Ceiling: Top 15.
Lauren S: Another one! I LOLed when she said her highest level of athletic success was participation trophies. Pretty clever. Me? One time I got rim. That was pretty sweet. She’s a Texas girl who wants to be part of T-Swift’s girl squad. I dig it. Floor: Top 20. Ceiling: Hometowns.
Maquel: WILD name. She’s young. 23, in fact. So you know Arie will keep her around a while and the whole world is going to lose their collective minds whining about how the 36-year-old is still keeping around the girl who’s 23, but you know what? Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care. She’s going to be a spark plug. She’s going to keep the drama going. Oh, and she’s already divorced and her ex was wicked rich, apparently. Floor: Top 20. Ceiling: Top 10.
Marikh: Exotic name. Exotic looking. She’s stunning, actually. Her bio on the website doesn’t having any zingers or anything. Seems pretty normal, and she also owns a restaurant. She’ll be on Food Network in no time. Floor: Top 15. Ceiling: Winner.
Nysha: She’s a nurse who loves The Sandlot. Amazing! Also says that she’s still single because of dating apps. #PGP. Not much else going on in the bio and couldn’t dig anything up that was juicy except this Instagram picture. Floor: First eliminated. Ceiling: Top 15.
Olivia: Another twenty-three year-old! She’s actually got some great top-three movies for a younger contestant: Love and Basketball, Forrest Gump, and Mean Girls. Great choices. The rest of her bio is a little dearth of info, so tough to get a sense of how she’ll be. Floor: First eliminated. Ceiling: Top 15.
Seinne: Sources are telling me she went to Yale, and so it begs the question of why she wants to stoop to the level of this show but alas, here we are. She likes Game of Thrones and New Year’s Eve is her favorite holiday, making her the only person in the world whose favorite holiday is New Year’s Eve. Floor: Top 20. Ceiling: Top 10.
Tia: So, Tia is reallyyyyyy good friends with Raven. Also, this kind of moved the needle for me. When asked what was the best trip she’s ever been on, she said, “Cancun to a random swingers resort. HA! It was actually fun.” …. Oh hell yeah. Floor: Top 15. Ceiling: Fantasy Suite.
Valerie: Valeriaeeeeee call on meeeeeee, call on meeeeee, Valerieeee. She’s a tall 25-year old house owner from Nashville who loves Halloween. She says her closet has 50 costumes in it. That’s a little excessive, no? When asked if she’s a good cook she said she’s great at making reservations, so she’s at least a little witty, right? Floor: First eliminated. Ceiling: Top 15.
Happy Chanukah, y’all. This was the best present a guy could’ve asked for. .
Image via ABC / YouTube