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As you get older, a lot of things change. Your bedtime gets earlier, your alcohol tolerance goes down, and the things that used to seem important to you just don’t really do it anymore. Case in point? Crazy ass sex.
Now, before you get your penis tied up in a knot (ouch), let me clarify: I think sex is great, and wonderful, and vital, and important, and blah blah blah. But crazy sex? College sex? The shit you did 7 times in one night just so you could brag to your friends and show them the scratch marks on your back and the painful looking hickeys on your collarbone? Yeah, that shit just doesn’t happen as much. We know ourselves. We know what we like, how to get off, and the perfect amount of time where everyone feels satisfied and can still wake up the next morning when the alarm goes off. Well, after hitting snooze like twice. I’m not a monster.
Still, sometimes we just want to get ~wild.~ And the best way to do that? Public sex. Now, if you’ve never had sex in a public place (nerd), never fear. Here are a few of the easiest places to pull it off (and out, amiright?).
This one almost shouldn’t count. I mean, ever since we all became ~sexually active,~ doing dirty things in the back of the car was just a way of life. Now that we have jobs, apartments, and living situations away from our parents, there’s literally no need to hammer one out in your Volkswagen. Still, if you’re trying to feel young, hip, and like you might potentially become a teen mom, this is the easiest way to go.
A Bar Bathroom
Ah, is there anything quite like drunkenly hunching over in a bathroom stall as you try not to spill your vodka soda while having 5-7 minutes of dry, mediocre sex? Sure, it’s easier to accomplish this if the bar has a single person bathroom, but having to be quiet in a stall is kind of a rush, and isn’t that the whole point?
A Restaurant Bathroom
A little trickier to accomplish but still absolutely doable (hi-oh), a restaurant bathroom is the perfect place to get in a quickie. Naturally the more high-end the place, the harder it’ll be to pull it off, but I’m pretty sure that’s why tipping was invented. Besides, does anything sound better than the endorphined rush of public sex followed by a free bread basket? Exactly.
Basically Any Bathroom
I mean, this is the place where people lock the door and pull down their pants. It’s basically a bordello.
Everyone knows that, in theory, sex on the beach is romantic whereas, in reality, it’s just a GD nightmare. The sun. The sand. The children. It’s a recipe for disaster. Still, if you manage to hit up the beach at night, manage not to get sand in every nook and cranny of your body, and avoid the sharks (because sharks are attracted to young, attractive, naked people), you can check this one off your list. Or just get drunk, head into the water, and pretend that all of your moving around is due to the current, and not the fact that you’re currently having intercourse mere feet away from families playing frisbee.
A Dressing Room
You’re literally going to this place to get naked. That’s the whole reason it exists. Sure, when you say to the salesperson that you want your SO to go in there with you to give his/her opinion, everyone knows what’s up. Keep it quiet, keep it clean, and be sure to buy something if they’re working on commission.
A Sketchy Ass Elevator
Okay, so the cons of this are that elevators usually have cameras. And people get on and off (ha) at multiple stops somewhat unexpectedly. So, naturally, to pull this off, you have to not only choose the elevator wisely but also choose the time correctly. Pick an off hour, like 1 a.m. or 3:30 a.m., and hit up an elevator in a bad part of town or in a hotel where illegal dealings take place. Finally, make it fast. You’re not trying to get off. You’re just trying to have a story good enough to impress your friends at brunch.
I have nothing against circus folks or carnies. They seem like very interesting characters despite their small hands. They also seem like they’d not only be accepting of public sex but would also be down to watch/join. Sure, that’s stereotypical but whatever. Blame the media.
A Soul Destroying Music Festival
Honestly, having sex at one of these is basically required. With your ticket, you get an all-access pass to orgies, mind-altering substances, and the opportunity to shit in the woods. Still, just because everyone around you is rolling on drugs and dicks, it doesn’t mean you’re not going to want to die the entire time you’re there. I mean, yeah. You can easily fuck here, but at what cost?.
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