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“It’s not going to be that big of a deal, right?”
“Honestly, I don’t think it will be. I mean, worst case scenario we just open the windows. Plus, it’s only hot, like, three months out of the year. We can make it three months easily.”
That was a general outline of the conversation that my roommate and I had when we decided to live in an apartment without air conditioning. Frankly, we weren’t wrong. It’s really only too hot for about three months out of the year, and even then, if you open the windows, how bad could it be?
Bad. Sleep is non-existent, we can barely hear our TV or music because of the whir of the fans, and turning on the stove or oven only makes it worse. I know what you’re thinking. “Suck it up and get some window AC units, idiot,” as though we hadn’t already thought about that. The problem is, we live on the ground floor, so there are bars on the outside of our windows that won’t allow it.
When you’re put in this position, you have to get creative to stay cool. In the event that you ever find yourself here, this is what I’ve found to work the best.
Use whatever you can find as an ice pack.
It goes without saying that when it’s 88 degrees and humid, I’m going to be walking around my apartment in my underwear. This is probably common practice for some people, and to you I say, “Right on.” However, my roommate is a girl and we’re not quite on “walk around in your skivvies” level yet. Luckily, she wasn’t here over the weekend. Either way, after the backs of my legs got stuck to the leather on our couch while trying to get up, I decided it would probably be a good idea to grab a beer to cool off.
In a totally non-sexual way, I took that can of Modelo, touched it to my neck, and holy shit did it feel great. I tapped it on my chest, on my shoulders… I’ll be honest, I gave it a little press on my crotch over my briefs. It was so incredibly refreshing that I almost didn’t even drink it.
(Note: E, I know you’re probably reading this. I’m sorry I sat on the couch in my underwear, but let’s be honest, I’m pretty sure we both know that worse things have happened there.)
Hook up with someone who has air conditioning.
This is pretty similar to paratrooping—hooking up with someone so that you have lodging for the night. For example, I’ve been seeing this girl for a little while now. She has air conditioning, I had a late night at the office after a longer day. We’re a perfect match. The last thing I wanted to do was sleep in my god forsaken sauna of a bedroom, so I texted her to see if she was free later. I could have easily said, “Hey, how would you feel if I crashed at my place tonight? I don’t have AC and I really don’t want to try to sleep through that,” but instead, I went with the simple, “Long day at work. Bottle of wine at your place tonight?”
Normally, I would think of this as a dick move because the AC issue didn’t come up at all that night. However, it did a few days later after I had crashed at her place twice in four days.
“Wait…have you been using me for my air conditioning this whole week?”
“Uh… 40% yes.”
Cold showers.
Do they suck at first? Do they make my balls shrink up to the size of walnuts? Do they make me regret almost every decision I’ve made up until the moment the water hits my skin? The answer to all three of those is a resounding yes. Even during the summer, jumping into a cold shower is eerily reminiscent of taking ice baths during my high school football years. I don’t want to go back to feeling like that. I’m an adult, I shouldn’t have to engulf myself in cold water if I don’t have to.
But after those first few seconds? Damn if they don’t feel like you just jumped into the lake after drinking a few margaritas. I hate to say it, but taking a cold shower might be the most refreshing thing I’ve done over the last seven days. I highly encourage it.
Steer into it.
The problem with taking cold showers is that once you’re out, you’re back into the heat. I jumped out of that bad boy and it was like the water didn’t go anywhere. My forehead had droplets of water on it from the time I left my bathroom until I walked into a diner for lunch that afternoon. They had since transformed into beads of sweat.
That’s the main problem with not having air conditioning: you constantly look greasy. There isn’t a period of time where you come in from the heat and let your body dry off. The moisture is just stagnant, a mosquito’s paradise. To me, that’s completely disgusting, so I found that the best thing to do is to just steer into it.
By owning the fact that you look like a sweaty mess, you could almost pull it off as a look. Tell people you just finished up some lawn work and didn’t have time to take a shower before heading out. Since you’re probably already dehydrated, you could tell people you’ve been outside drinking all day and they won’t think twice about how you look. Or, just drop a shit ton of buttons down and air out your chest a little. That shit feels great.
Not having air conditioning sucks, but hey. It’s only 3 months, right? .
Image via Netflix / Mad Men
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Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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“88 degrees sounds pretty nice” – Everyone in the South
Seriously. Outside temp doesn’t drop that low until like midnight.
The current heat index in DC is 107, so I would have to agree.
Why don’t you head on over to ManOutfitters.com and buy yourself a big Yeti. You could sleep in that instead of your bed and stay cool all night.
http://www.manoutfitters.com
Sock for 10% off
I also heard you can stack codes
They’re sold out of wool socks though. Not sure if its Wool deFries or duda who bought them out
RTIC Cooler 65QT for half the price of a(LOL) Yeti
I love my Yeti and I love my RTIC
Get one of those stand alone ac units where the exhaust tube goes to a window. Problem solved.
Exactly. I was gonna copy and paste a link to one. Wait, manoutfitters might sell them.
I was gonna suggest the same thing. My friend has one in his basement, and it KICKS.
Agree. I had a 4th floor apartment that got afternoon sun and I was dying. $200 Costco trip later and I slept like a baby every damn day. With every damn penny just by night 2.
Pro tip: fill five gallon bucket(s) with ice and put a fan behind it blowing at you
Source: guy who grew up in Houston, where you literally die within hours without some sort of cool air blowing at you.
Swamp fans are the truth.
Does spending the extra $100 a month for an apartment with AC count as going to absurd lengths?
You have been hating on this apartment so hard the past few articles
Wild animals. Insect infestation. No AC. It’s like living in a tent!
It sounds like a very hatable setup
Moving next Friday to do just this. Even if it’s already close to the end of summer, I can’t take another 95 degree day with the absurd humidity of Baltimore. Can confirm living without AC is purely not worth it.
Considered a dehumidifier? It won’t cool anything but the difference in an 80 degree room at 80% humidity and 50% humidity is huge. Not a terribly huge investment either.
Went to college in SC and did not have AC for the first 2 years… I hated life
Damn I miss the days of living in Miami where central AC is the norm. When I moved to Boston, my first question to my roommate was “where’s the AC switch?” and she laughed in my face. That shit was not funny.
Im really hoping you have heat so we don’t have to read articles all winter about how cold you are
Living in MKE, i totally get that. Thankfully its cheap enough to live close to the lake and get that sweet sweet lake effect when it drops 10
I lived in a top floor apartment in NYC during grad school (yeah i know, username checks out), which meant the sun beat down on it all summer with no AC. Being from the south, i had no idea it got so hot “up north,” and as a broke-ass grad student, I was determined to stick it out. Got to the point where it was hotter in my apt than it was outside, and it was just a giant, nasty sweatshow. I used a toaster oven so I didn’t have to run my real oven and had a million fans blowing constantly, but before I knew it, I was on Craigslist buying a cheap window unit. Best $100 bucks I spent that summer.