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Always Willing to Drink Guy
He’s not your conventional alcoholic in that he’s not sitting at home drinking Kentucky Deluxe on his couch watching Storage Wars, but he’s not far off. He has a few beers after work, and he’s perfectly comfortable with that. But if you need to blow off some steam and crush a craft burger from Chili’s, he’s always willing to partake. Nobody wants to eat a triple dipper alone. God bless you, Always Willing to Drink Guy.
Nudes Guy
Some people are just born with the ability to convince women to snap a photo that they will very likely regret. It’s an art form. This isn’t you. The closest you’ll get is that screenshot you took of the TFM Babe of the Day. Whenever your phone lights up with a text from this guy, you know there’s a one in three chance that it’s a pic of some rando bartender in a compromising position. How the fuck? If this guy isn’t on your group text, your group text blows goats.
Addy Guy
Because it’s really difficult to hit the bars after an early afternoon kickoff. You can’t be out there falling asleep at Buffalo Wild Wings. This guy has a ‘script, and you have a sugar free Red Bull. It makes sense to keep this guy close. You will also need this guy if you have any aspirations of making middle management. You did your best work in college while your alcoholic, acid-refluxed, stomach was digesting a time release. Times haven’t changed. You need this guy.
Trust Fund Guy
Face it, this guy’s life is dope, and he does dope shit. Your life is somewhat dope, and you occasionally do dope shit. That dope shit that you occasionally do is a direct result of something this guy put together. You don’t have a place in Jackson Hole, but you know a guy. That’s what really matters.
Fearless Guy
Alpha male. Does not have low T nor does he know what that means. He will approach that table of eights by himself because why the fuck not? Although you should not be fighting because you’re pushing 30 and work in an office with normal humans, this guy will curb stomp anyone dumb enough to look at you wrong.
Face Guy
Really important one, guys. When people think of you and your group of friends, this guy is always mentioned first. He doesn’t have to have chiseled abs, or stunning features, but he has to be handsome enough that you’d probably hold his cock while he peed if he ever broke both arms.
Career Focused Guy
This guy is everything you aspire to be. He is a master of time management. He is even tempered. His idea of networking isn’t following companies on LinkedIn. He could booze on weeknights in college, yet still make it to class and not shit his pants. He maintained a highly respectable GPA and landed a job allegedly in the six-fig club. You need to stay close to this guy and chase the dream that one day he will hook you up with a new, less shitty gig.
The Degenerate Gambler
This guy’s a real wildcard. He can either be the best guy to watch a game with, or the most depressing. He put a grand on Weber State to cover and now he’s drinking Cutty Sark at the bar by himself. You’ll get weekly texts letting you know that he was a garbage time Devin Harris three-pointer away from making 10 grand. You don’t know if he’s lying, and you don’t care. If you ever want in on the action, he’ll point you in the right direction..
Respond
Dorn, you’re not fooling anyone calling yourself “D-Man.”
Not me, tough guy.
What about the funny fat guy? Every group needs a fat guy, right? Guys…?
It’s funny cause he’s fat.
How fat are we talking. Fat enough to where he doesn’t slow you down but enough to make it funny and the token fat guy, or so fat you only have him around to make him eat crazy shit in short amounts of time? The Later will just slow you down with how slow he walks (wobbles) downtown.
In the TFM office its Allen.
The athlete? Ringer for your abysmal office league [insert sport here]
I never understood why people would buy Adderall when they can just go to a doctor. It’s much cheaper and you don’t have to break the law.
Why would you get adderall when there’s perfectly good blow to do?
Or just sack up and buy a bar bag
Not as fun or seemingly sophisticated, though.