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As a young man, I loved razzing people at bars. Just getting knee-deep into conversations that were all centered around a white lie that I’d spit out for my own personal satisfaction. After all, I was probably never going to see any of those people again (I haven’t), and everyone was drunk enough to not remember anything I said the next day (they didn’t). My go-to fib?
“My name’s Will, nice to meet you. What do I do for a living? Well I just got done taping a season of The Real World in San Diego for the last few months.”
It literally never worked. Like, ever. But the motivation was there, and it was always better than saying, “I’m working a job that I hate and I live with my parents.” Fortunately for all of us, there are career choices that will help take you from the bar to the bedroom for a little late night necking. Sociopathic? Yes. Wrong? Yes. Fun? Yes. But hey, you haven’t lived like a saint leading up to this point in your life so why start now?
Ah, a classic.
Being an investment banker says that you’re a douchebag, but the right kind of douchebag. You know, not like the personal trainer or luxury real estate-type of douchebag who looks good on the surface but has a W-2 that looks like a Morgan Stanley summer intern’s (zinger).
Girls don’t want douchebags, they just want guys with the right amount of douchiness that it comes off as cocky. And as long as you’re posing as a confident young investor with Wall Street aspirations, you’re probably going to get some “Fifty Shades” vibes going without even realizing it. A couple scotch-sodas later, and you’re knee deep in a conversation about how your office is like a toned down version of The Wolf Of Wall Street but without the drugs and hookers. Sure, you’re a bank teller who’s one car repair from having to move back in with his parents, but they can’t see the tag on your buy-one-get-six free Jos. A Bank suit so what’s the diff?
In a drunk girl’s mind, being an architect is like being the human embodiment of Pinterest. You just don’t meet architects anymore because everything seems to be a tiny house or prefabricated something-or-other these days, so clarifying in the middle of a crowded pub that you’re an architect is like something out of a romantic comedy that takes place in New York City. Architects are smart, but not nerdy. They’re artistic, but not poor. They’re tasteful, normally have their sleeves rolled up, and shop at websites that require crowdfunding in order to minimize pricing on their imported Japanese fabrics. If a girl hears that you’re an architect, her brain immediately defaults to having a cottagey house in Nantucket to vacation in, while your full-time residence is a mid-century modern apartment in New York City.
You know who else was a lawyer? Matthew McConaughey in A Time To Kill and The Lincoln Lawyer. Tom Cruise in The Firm and A Few Good Men. Matt Damon in The Rainmaker. Hot bro much?
When drinks are flowing and you’re rocking an unbuttoned shirt underneath a blazer after a hard day at the office, no one thinks about how you’re pushing paper and billing for correspondence that would put you to sleep. They’re imagining you in the courtroom with your fists on the table screaming, “You can’t handle the truth!” And then when you allude to a real crime series like Making A Murderer or Serial, they’ll immediately ask your opinions because everyone’s already completely obsessed with solving these misrepresented cases on their own. Suddenly, you become more important than you actually are because your opinions hold weight.
Hope you brought some extra scrubs, because you’re about to be in a mess of women once you drop that you’re possibly rocking an M.D. in your email signature. Much like kids who want to be doctors, most people don’t envision them removing warts on a daily basis. They envision the worlds of E.R. and Grey’s Anatomy where everyone’s a Clooney or a McSteamy clone rocking a trademark style (and a swoll-ass bank account to boot). Unless you’re that dick doctor Evan from The Bachelorette, telling girls that you’re a doctor is going to do nothing but elevate your status. Hell, you can even tell them you’re in medical school (which you probably aren’t) and it’ll still pan out well for you.
Portraying yourself as an entrepreneur is the perfectly vague way to allude to the fact that while you don’t actually have a lot of money, you’re about to make a lot of money. Yes, you’re going to need an in-depth backstory that will make a group of girls say, “Oh my God, that’s such a good idea!” But one time when I was stoned and 24 years old, I came up with an app called Scrapps that takes all the ingredients in your refrigerator and makes recipes out of them. So yeah, it can’t be that hard. If all else fails, just tell them you’re fielding applications from companies to work in your start-up incubator. Nothing says, “I’m going to ball out soon” like piggybacking on someone else’s success.
In Wedding Crashers, Jeremy and John posed as venture capitalists in an effort to tag the Cleary sisters. Need I say more? Besides, no one even really knows what being a “venture capitalist” entails, so even if you tell someone something completely wrong, they won’t have the confidence to tell you that you’re wrong. That is, unless you’re hanging out with a rival gang of faux I-Bankers, in which case you’re fucked. .
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