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As a young man, I loved razzing people at bars. Just getting knee-deep into conversations that were all centered around a white lie that I’d spit out for my own personal satisfaction. After all, I was probably never going to see any of those people again (I haven’t), and everyone was drunk enough to not remember anything I said the next day (they didn’t). My go-to fib?
“My name’s Will, nice to meet you. What do I do for a living? Well I just got done taping a season of The Real World in San Diego for the last few months.”
It literally never worked. Like, ever. But the motivation was there, and it was always better than saying, “I’m working a job that I hate and I live with my parents.” Fortunately for all of us, there are career choices that will help take you from the bar to the bedroom for a little late night necking. Sociopathic? Yes. Wrong? Yes. Fun? Yes. But hey, you haven’t lived like a saint leading up to this point in your life so why start now?
Investment Banker
Ah, a classic.
Being an investment banker says that you’re a douchebag, but the right kind of douchebag. You know, not like the personal trainer or luxury real estate-type of douchebag who looks good on the surface but has a W-2 that looks like a Morgan Stanley summer intern’s (zinger).
Girls don’t want douchebags, they just want guys with the right amount of douchiness that it comes off as cocky. And as long as you’re posing as a confident young investor with Wall Street aspirations, you’re probably going to get some “Fifty Shades” vibes going without even realizing it. A couple scotch-sodas later, and you’re knee deep in a conversation about how your office is like a toned down version of The Wolf Of Wall Street but without the drugs and hookers. Sure, you’re a bank teller who’s one car repair from having to move back in with his parents, but they can’t see the tag on your buy-one-get-six free Jos. A Bank suit so what’s the diff?
Architect
In a drunk girl’s mind, being an architect is like being the human embodiment of Pinterest. You just don’t meet architects anymore because everything seems to be a tiny house or prefabricated something-or-other these days, so clarifying in the middle of a crowded pub that you’re an architect is like something out of a romantic comedy that takes place in New York City. Architects are smart, but not nerdy. They’re artistic, but not poor. They’re tasteful, normally have their sleeves rolled up, and shop at websites that require crowdfunding in order to minimize pricing on their imported Japanese fabrics. If a girl hears that you’re an architect, her brain immediately defaults to having a cottagey house in Nantucket to vacation in, while your full-time residence is a mid-century modern apartment in New York City.
Lawyer
You know who else was a lawyer? Matthew McConaughey in A Time To Kill and The Lincoln Lawyer. Tom Cruise in The Firm and A Few Good Men. Matt Damon in The Rainmaker. Hot bro much?
When drinks are flowing and you’re rocking an unbuttoned shirt underneath a blazer after a hard day at the office, no one thinks about how you’re pushing paper and billing for correspondence that would put you to sleep. They’re imagining you in the courtroom with your fists on the table screaming, “You can’t handle the truth!” And then when you allude to a real crime series like Making A Murderer or Serial, they’ll immediately ask your opinions because everyone’s already completely obsessed with solving these misrepresented cases on their own. Suddenly, you become more important than you actually are because your opinions hold weight.
Doctor
Hope you brought some extra scrubs, because you’re about to be in a mess of women once you drop that you’re possibly rocking an M.D. in your email signature. Much like kids who want to be doctors, most people don’t envision them removing warts on a daily basis. They envision the worlds of E.R. and Grey’s Anatomy where everyone’s a Clooney or a McSteamy clone rocking a trademark style (and a swoll-ass bank account to boot). Unless you’re that dick doctor Evan from The Bachelorette, telling girls that you’re a doctor is going to do nothing but elevate your status. Hell, you can even tell them you’re in medical school (which you probably aren’t) and it’ll still pan out well for you.
Entrepreneur
Portraying yourself as an entrepreneur is the perfectly vague way to allude to the fact that while you don’t actually have a lot of money, you’re about to make a lot of money. Yes, you’re going to need an in-depth backstory that will make a group of girls say, “Oh my God, that’s such a good idea!” But one time when I was stoned and 24 years old, I came up with an app called Scrapps that takes all the ingredients in your refrigerator and makes recipes out of them. So yeah, it can’t be that hard. If all else fails, just tell them you’re fielding applications from companies to work in your start-up incubator. Nothing says, “I’m going to ball out soon” like piggybacking on someone else’s success.
Venture Capitalist
In Wedding Crashers, Jeremy and John posed as venture capitalists in an effort to tag the Cleary sisters. Need I say more? Besides, no one even really knows what being a “venture capitalist” entails, so even if you tell someone something completely wrong, they won’t have the confidence to tell you that you’re wrong. That is, unless you’re hanging out with a rival gang of faux I-Bankers, in which case you’re fucked. .
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
I’m an investment banker. I don’t get laid much.
Sup?
Well obviously you don’t drink at bars enough
Can confirm, was way too tired any time I was out to really put in an effort. Most of it went to drinking until I forgot how much my job sucked.
Maybe you just need to fake it more
Having gone through it, would definitely agree with this. Usually just exhausted by the time you got to the bar.
How could you possibly be tired after ingesting that much cocaine though?
People at the bars are actually telling the truth about their jobs?
Underrated
Art Vandelay is the best architect of our generation
He was an importer/exporter
He was a man of many talents. God bless him. Also, sup?
sup
If PGP added DMs it’d blow out Tinder
And was a marine biologist.
He also made latex.
“What do you design?” “Railroads!”
Based on my experience being in medical school, girls aren’t impressed when they can tell you have no money, no time for them, and tons of debt.
Good thing you have Carla.
And a pancake drawer.
what about a pilot?
“Hello nice to meet you I’m JW. I am currently a private Pilot. I fly a gulf stream for two VIPs. They are a weird bunch and dont talk much but the hours are small and the places we go can be quite exotic. Last week we visited europe, the bahamas and NYC. Check it out this is the key.”
Throw a bike lock key on a leather fob and a pair of aviators folded on your shirt and you’re in. Best part is you can leave at any moment for your “job”.
You make a sound argument.
Fighter Pilot also works pretty well, just reference Top Gun
My buddy once told a girl he was a “scientist” right when I thought that was the most ridiculous profession to go with 10 minutes later he told a different girl he was an astronaut.
Shooters shoot.
Although never understood why anyone would lie about a high profile job when they can easily be debunked by a quick Google search (Astronaut). Unless she was drunk enough to believe it. In which case, nothing to see here…
She doesn’t have to be drunk enough to believe it. She just has to be drunk enough to want to believe it.
As an architect, it’s true but also works best with girls like The Girl in TGDAG so not worth it
“Vet’s without Fences” Its like Doctors without borders, but for the hurt animals. Everyone just talks about the human refugees, but what about the thousands of abandoned sick and hurting animals. That’s why we started Vet’s without Fences.
I went to law school in a college town, whenever I went out, I would always say I was a 5th year because girls scoffed at being in law school. They would look at me funny and say “you’re old!” Now I’ve since moved to the city, and when I’m out and a girl asks me what I’m doing, I’ll casually drop my profession and the results instantly different. I’m not getting laid that much, but I’m definitely getting a lot of numbers.
Professional athlete