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The longer I remain single, the more I’m coming to grips with how little I really want to have a girlfriend. I see couples all the time, and the following items are the things are the reasons I’m glad I’m single. If you’re one of these couples, realize that everyone else hates you and adjust your behavior accordingly.
The Couple Who Fights In Public
We’ve all been there at one time or another. The night isn’t going well or you left the seat up for the millionth time at her place and that turned into a knockdown, drag-out fight in the middle of the day in the middle of that zoo trip the girl thought would be an awesome date/opportunity to Insta some animals. But damn kids, we’re getting too old for that shit. Nobody wants to see you air your dirty laundry in public, and I sure as shit don’t need my Sunday Scaries brunch being made worse because one of you got too wasted at the bar last night. Fight at home or passively aggressively text each other until you break up and get back together two days later. It’s better for everyone.
The Couple Who Grocery Shops Together
I was at the grocery store stocking up (liquor and Lunchables) the other night and noticed an absolute babe in the produce section. She snagged a bunch of kale or some other healthy shit I don’t eat and sauntered over to the saddest sap ever pushing a shopping cart. I can’t imagine any guy being more miserable than the guy having to grocery shop with his girlfriend. Let’s take a quick inventory of my fridge: condiments, chicken I made a month ago and haven’t tossed yet, two-week old salad mix, a case of Miller Lite and a random assortment of other domestic cans and bottles. I don’t enjoy grocery shopping, and I can’t imagine it’s better as a couple. If you live together, make a list and have one person go get it. The two of you are obliviously blocking the aisle, and I need to snag some bread for PB&Js.
The Couple Who Works Out Together
The other day, some chick posted a picture that winded up in my Facebook feed. What did it say? “The couple who Crossfits together stays together.” BARFFFFFF. You’ve been at work all day and you can’t think of other ways to torture yourself other than “Hey honey, let’s go do some burpees or run five miles together”? If you can still carry on a conversation while you’re working out with somebody, that’s not working out, it’s screaming “HEY EVERYBODY WE’RE A COUPLE LOOK!” Get the fuck out of my face with that.
The Couple Who Works Together
Back when I was still working in an office, there were a few office romances and it was terrible. First, don’t fish off the company pier. A wise old former CEO told me that he didn’t look down on his direct reports because they were possibly creating an HR nightmare; he looked down on them because they were so lazy they couldn’t find anyone outside of the office to hook up with.
Second, when you come home at night, what the fuck do you talk about? I already don’t want to talk shop with a girl I don’t work with after a long day. I imagine coming home with a coworker every night is rehashing the same boring work bullshit and that’s not healthy.
Third, everybody at work hates you. Trust me on that one.
The ‘Public Display Of Affection’ Couple
Look, I’m all for a little late night bar make out, even though I’m probably to the age where it’s frowned upon. I’m especially for that kind of stuff when the girl that stood me up on the third date walks in the bar because I’m a petty asshole like that. That said, if you’re a couple, we don’t need to see that shit. I’m doing it because I’ve had a dozen shots of Fireball, and I can’t remember the girls name; you’re already going home together, just expedite the process and get in a cab already. This especially goes for couples that have pet names for each other and use them around their group of friends. Guess what? Just like people hate coworkers that are dating, everyone else hates you too. .
Image via YouTube
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@OldManBody
Sounds like Manti Te’o and his girlfriend were the only couple you could stand.
Based on your last two columns, you really aren’t fond of any kind of dating. Who hurt you?
I bet it was Kara. It was Kara wasn’t it? That bitch.
I grocery shop with my wife to make sure she doesn’t skip the necessities- beef jerky, chips and dip, and beer.
I also work out with my wife. Let the hate flow through you.
Make your own jerky. It is so much better, healthier and cheaper.
Yeeeeaaaah, but that takes effort. You think effort grows on trees or something, Madoff?
It’s a ROI thing. Buy a few lbs on manager special (half a lb of Oberto or whatever garbage is already that much). Pound it if you want, cut it thin, put some hot sauce, brown sugar, liquid smoke, chipotle in a adobo sauce, maple syrup (trust me), onion and garlic powder, cayenne pepper, lemon juice, pepper and garlic salt, marinade for 2-3 days and put it on lowest setting in the oven. Prop open the oven ever so slightly and put the meat on the rack. Costs a lot less (I have all these things for regular usage) and you get like 3 lbs instead of half a lb.
I get where you’re coming from though. Hope it helps man.
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Next thing your going to say is that we should all be shitting with the door open and talking about pussy.
Soooo ignore my spouse in public at all times… got it…
If I don’t go grocery shopping with my wife, then who is going to pretend the salami is their penis for her?
This was aggressive and I liked it.
I actually look forward to my weekly trip to the grocery store. PGP
It made my day that I can’t possibly offend you, currently.
The worst version of the couple who fights in public is when they constantly drag their friends into the argument to decide who is the winner. Not that I have any experience with that.
I love when they post sappy shit on FB the next day. Huh? Weren’t you just auditioning for Jerry Springer last night at the bar?
When you’re married, unfortunately, you don’t have a choice but to grocery shop with your wife.