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Brunch is literally perfect. So perfect, in fact, that I always ask prospective future ex-girlfriends a critical MFK: brunch, sushi, chipotle. If they don’t marry brunch, I won’t marry them*. So yeah, I take my brunching really seriously. And nothing, I repeat nothing, is worse than getting an ill-timed text when you’ve just tossed on your finest brunch threads and are about to whisk yourself out the door to a land flowing with bacon and Bloody Marys.
These are texts that ruin brunch.
Pick up some Dunkin sandwiches on the way? It’s gonna be like a 90 minute wait, but trust me this place is like totally worth it.
So is it that they don’t know how to take a reservation, or are they having difficulties with the holding part?
Heads up, (your ex) is coming. Hope that’s okay.
For fuck’s sake, why is your roommate’s girlfriend still friends with that sociopath?
Oh, um, actually they DON’T have TVs at this place but aren’t they just playing the Browns?
I mean yeah, but Tom Brady is back and I only get 19 of these days a year. But sure, that’s fine.
Actually, we were thinking of doing brunch at our place. Pick up some uncured grass fed bacon on the way?
If I wanted to just eat normal scrambled eggs and drink whatever we didn’t finish last night, I’d do it here. Without pants. And maybe after a long relaxing morning jack-off sesh. What’d I even get in the shower for?
Ah, yeah, we’ll see you there but I think we’re gonna just lounge and watch Netflix afterward.
What the fuck – don’t they known brunch is a gateway drug?
Just be prepared, those $3 mimos are only for the first two.
Are you hinting that I should sneak in a flask, or?
Hey man, not going to make it. Still with that chick from last night I left the bar with.
What an IDIOT! What a LOSER! Good. Good, more for me and you. And by more, I mean those carafes of pineapple mimos.
Hey man, I’m gonna bring that chick I left the bar with, just FYI.
She didn’t seem like a girl who had a death wish but alas, here we are.
Let’s talk today, we miss you.
Dammit, mom. Fine. Just don’t tell me I drink too much when I’m clearly slurring my words and being surprisingly talkative. But I swear, if you even think of FaceTiming me.
Hey it’s [sexual encounter from last weekend]. This is kinda awk, but when was the last time you got tested?
The hostess who told us it’d be twenty minutes, like, forty-five minutes ago is testing the fuck out of my patience. Does that count?
Verizon Msg: You’re almost out of overage data. You have 1% remaining with 2 days left.
If the Maccabees could keep that one candle lit for eight days….
If you’re going to text me before, during, or even after brunch, it better be good fuckin’ news. Otherwise, you’re probably ruining my brunch. .
*Brunch wears a sundress and is classy and is the kind of girl you bring home to mom. Sushi is a little minx. She’s exotic and fiery. But at the end of the day, you’re not sure you like what it looks like the morning after. Chipotle gets its face blown in by a murderous Ed Harris a la Westworld.
Image via Shutterstock
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Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
Yes, there will be a Stock Photo Babe Of The Day today. And yes, it will be the above girl.
Kind of looks like a meth addict
I’m sure I look a lot worse while brunching, but most of it is hidden under wayfarers
Looks like she might have hairy arms doe.
Not concerned about her arms.
Nothing a laser hair removal gift card for her birthday can’t fix
With gifts like that, how’d you manage to get engaged? Serious question.
Pulled the old “propose in front of people” trick. Much more pressure to say yes. Worked like a charm.
No brunch invite texts. PGP
I will never stop being #TeamHomeBrunch. You want eggs over easy, avocado toast, biscuits and homemade sausage gravy, fruit salad, banana nut bread, bacon, sausage patties (fuck sausage links, they’re garbage), mimosas, screwdrivers, bloody marys, beer, all for way less than you’re dropping for that hipster brunch bar and the Uber home? Hit me up, we’ll talk about Sunday mornings.
We get it, you’re married and you don’t have to still engage in the #BrunchChase
Wait do people try to hook up at brunch? I’d be awful at being single, because brunch to me consists of stuffing myself full of as many forms of greasy meat and potato as possible, combined with gravy, cheese, hot sauce, or any combination of the above.
People try to hook up everywhere
It’s so hipster to be too hipster for a hipster brunch spot
Nah man, I just don’t want to put on real pants and I’d rather get my brunch buzz on at home with some friends who are there for the food and friendship than people who are just there for the Instagram. Plus I like cooking.
Will still take you up on that invite though
I’m with you on this for the main reason being I like to cook. If I’m not deathly hungover I’m always down to hit the grocery store and whip something up.
It’s Maccabees. You read the Bible?
Touche TRJ. Sub-par Jew game from ya boi
Your sins are forgiven! Appreciate your writing regardless.
My work cafeteria had eggs benny on special this morning and I’m simultaneously thrilled and disgusted with myself.
Gotta say my new brunch move is 2-3 friends and sitting at the bar. Don’t have to wait for a table, and it usually doesn’t get too out of hand. Sigh. I am old and no longer a peak bruncher.
You’re doing it right. Most brunch places I frequent don’t take reservations. If someone tries to add a fifth person to a four-person group, I give them a very shitty time. Limiting people and expanding seating options is the smartest move.
The fact that some girls would choose chipotle over brunch and sushi is a disgrace to the female sex
Sup?
“I’m pregnant and you’re not the father but the eggs here are delicious lol…I’m talking about the ones you actually eat from chickens, not this sludge spewing future moron that’s not gonna do shit to save the world that’s just living rent free in my uterus.”
I’m gonna need to know more about these pineapple mimos.
Not sure you can handle them tbh
Chipotle sucks
“Welcome to Moe’ssssssssss!!!”
This is the correct response
Now you’re speaking my language. Bring the queso to my face-o
Sssssssuuuuuuuuuuppppppppppp?
It sucks so much.
the basics are down-voting us because we dared to speak ill of their “chipotes”
I’m ok with that