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When the words “Company Bar Crawl” come across your desk, you know you’re about to be in a volatile situation. Day drinking during the dog days of a Texas summer is a test of one’s strength, and when you mix in a bunch of coworkers, you never know what’s going to transpire. You become more dehydrated when you 1. don’t mix in some waters and 2. sit for hours on end outside while the sun is at its highest point.
While trying to pick up the latest Yeezy release on Saturday morning, I felt bad. Real bad. The only hangover cure was floating around a lake in a life jacket for a few hours before drinking some Modelos at Chili’s. No regrets.
Come Sunday, I felt (relatively) normal. These people, however, did not.
The following is the account of the poor anonymous soul I tried to assist outside a bar this morning.
Bourgeois looking dude was laying face down outside, had no ID on him and was too drunk to stand. Takes about five minutes to sit the guy up and for him to even be coherent enough to give an address. Turns out, the guy lives a 20 minute drive away and Uber hits him with the 3.5X Surge pricing. Uber finally arrives and the dude manages to puke just as the driver was just about to take him home. Naturally he’s booted from the Uber and is back to square 1 (I’m sure his rating is down the tubes too). I manage to call a taxi and luckily the dude has a credit card to pay for it. Taxi driver speaks no English and has no clue where to take him and thus kicks him out. Now he has an audience of about 10-15 people either gawking, filming or trying and failing to help. At this point friendly locals take pity and take the dude home to sober up. Poor souls gonna awaken to a missing ID, Uber Charges, an apartment full of people he doesn’t know 20 minutes away from home and goodness knows how much of a bar tab.
At least he was described as a “bourgeois looking dude,” I guess? Also, I’m not trying to brag, but my Uber rating is a 4.83. I won’t believe yours is higher than mine unless I see a screenshot or I have your phone physically in my hand. But yeah, safe to assume this guy’s rating is much, much lower than everyone else’s.
Invited a bunch of friends for Mexican food. Checked balance. Panicked. Drank margs and made my gf pay for her self. Got drunk. Stole $200 from my little sisters college account. Blacked out on Rainey street. Wake up in a cold sweat induced panic. Currently snuggling the porcelain throne.
I need to stop drinking for a while.
Wait, what? You stole $200 from your little sister’s college account? That’s somehow shittier than stealing $200 for pretty much anywhere else. You need to quit drinking not because you’re drinking too much, but because you literally cannot afford to do it.
I’ve spent the past weekend staying at a retreat center for free dealing with the Italian countryside heat without air conditioning. And Italians serve water tepid without ice, been pretty tough. Also still haven’t met Duda.
Wow, I feel so bad for you. Being a little too hot in the Italian countryside sounds like hell. Hey, speaking of Duda.
I got extremely drunk in Rome (it’s Sunday night here) and was pickpocketed. The guy got my phone, a 20 note, and all of the Michelob Ultra snaps I had accumulated from the past week. I’m off to Positano tomorrow morning so I’m not THAT upset but I’m phone-less at the moment and I feel like a total shitbag.
God have mercy on my soul. I need Mich Ultra nation to stand up and support me during this difficult time. Not having a weekend in review to give PGP is eating me up inside.
Warmest Regards,
Duda
You’re going to Positano without a phone and you’re not that upset? How the hell are you supposed to get fire ‘grams off if you don’t have a phone? Take photos with your mom’s phone and log into your account?
Passed out in the lyft. Apparently driver thought I needed to go the hospital cause I woke up in my own bed with a hospital armband. Got one more year on my parents health insurance so they’ll definitely be getting some mail. I’m freaking out
Oh, no. No no no no no. While I’m a little confused that you don’t remember anything between the Lyft and waking up in your own bed, it does justify your Lyft driver taking you to the hospital. At least it’s on your parents’ tab and not your own.
Went to a daytime bar crawl with some friends, day drank all day, met a woman who had her friend zone guy friend with her who was cock blocking harder than anyone I’ve ever seen. Go to her hotel room, only to be cock blocked again, so we go to her car to “get Gatorade” and end up having sex in her car in the parking garage. Slept on the couch in her hotel room bc friend zone guy was already in the bed when we got back. Woke up and walked 5 miles downtown to my car to only find out I’ve lost my keys. Currently still waiting outside my apartment until my roommate gets home to let me in.
While this story is absurd for many reasons, quite possibly the most absurd part is the part where you used the excuse of “getting Gatorade” over pretty much anything else in the world.
Hungover, sunburnt, on a 15 hour drive home from cape cod. This is my hell.
You and the guy complaining from Italy need to have your perspectives checked. But everyone knows that if you’re going anywhere over a four-hour drive, you have to fly.
Went to Portland to celebrate a friend’s birthday. She’s getting married this fall and the majority of the bridal party was there. Apparently I told everyone but one groomsmen that said excluded groomsmen was extremely hot and should break up with his girlfriend to date me. I’m guessing word got around to him..
I’m still hungover, out of water, the bus I took has no AC, the company refuses to send a backup bus, it’s the hottest day of the year, and we’re stuck in deadlocked traffic.
Send help.
Well, if he does break up with her and you two end up getting married, I expect an invite. I’ll probably RSVP “no,” but I still expect an invite.
Went to a Boys II Men/Paula Abdul/New Kids On The Block concert Sunday night. They are touring together so everyone hop on StubHub and prepare to relive the 80s/90s. Willl be hurting tomorrow at work
I mean, that sounds tight. I’m surprised we haven’t seen any of them popping up as musical guests on The Bachelorette this season.
Casual Saturday beers with a buddy at the ice house turned to tequila flights, crashing some strangers’ rooftop engagement party, bar hopping around uptown/Deep Ellum, and ending the night at the always dependable place to black out, Knox St Pub. Needless to say, the lights went out after a few jello syringe shots and I woke up on a foam mat in a concrete room minus my wallet, watch, phone, keys, and shoes, with a new wristband on. At that point, the alcohol still in my system probably helped keep me from a full blown freakout in the DPD drunk tank. It’s been a rough Sunday.
You might be the first person in the history of the world who thought one of those Jello syringe shots from the scantily clad girls in the bar would be a good idea. The fact that you managed to lose The Holy Trinity of Drunk Possessions (wallet, phone, keys) in one night is truly remarkable.
Actually, you were probably mugged. At least you’re not sweating and drinking tepid water in Italy. That would suckkkkkkkk.
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Wow, 200 bucks is a fortune for a college kid. You are scum.
Also, how?
Blaming losing your phone on “getting pickpocketed.” #TotalDudaMove
Why would anyone pickpocket someone who dresses like Duda though?
Because he dresses like Duda. You see what he was wearing in Italy, screams pick pocket me.
Will, don’t lie, we all know you you’re physically incapable of turning down a wedding invite
Every man has his breaking point after attending enough.
How Duda go from getting laid off, worried about how he was going to pay his rent / get a job / put food in his mouth to a multi-week Italian getaway in the span of roughly eight months?
Two words: family vacation.
Can’t wait for this 30 for 30
VH1 behind the music
The one good thing about the first story is that people were at least nice enough to help get the poor guy home.
And here I was, anxiously refreshing the column page to see if Duda would post my first attempt at a tasteful Mich snap.
My uber rating is exactly 4.83
4.66, because I’m apparently human garbage.
4.83 doesn’t seem all that high but I have yet to find anyone higher than that.
I’m sitting here wondering what I did wrong to get less than a five from someone
Don’t want to turn it into a competition, but I have a 4.89 right now. I’m curious if anyone has a perfect 5.
i have a perfect 5, but i guarantee i dont take uber as much as the average user here, it would seem. However, to my credit i do have some international ubers rides on there to spice it up, but still maintained my 5. Also, midwest is the best, politeness all around.
I was absolutely convinced I had a perfect 5 (and am also from the Midwest). Opened the app, and it’s 4.83. Dammit, Will.
4.9, bitches
5.0 don’t @ me
4.84 checking in
4.85
4.851
“Anyone with a lower rating than me is an asshole. Everyone with a higher rating than me is a huge nerd” – everyone probably
4.93
4.88 here
4.86, was a 4.9 until Sunday morning. Not sure what happened…
Still perfect 5
4.95 here
4.94
5 checking in
Checking in with a 4.90 here, I still don’t know what I did that I got less than a 5.
4.95 shocked it’s not lower for how often I fall asleep
4.88 I usually play a game when I’m real hammered. I ask them if the trunk is big enough for a roll of carpet, a large duffel bag, etc. If they say yes then I always enthusiastically say it would fit a body and ask if we can make another stop. I also ask if we can hotbox the car with black and milds. Idk how I’m still that high
4.97 but I’ve only taken like 20 rides
4.84 here, step your game up Defries
4.89
Another 5* rider here.
Here to report my 4.86 Uber rating
Just got back from a honeymoon in Cabo to 6″ of water in our basement and the A/C not working. So long wedding money!
Does Duda go from his iPhone 5 to an iPhone 4 now?
Managed to sink my iPhone into a 65′ abyss at the lake on Saturday, then proceeded to do some underwater filming the following day with my GoPro – safe move, right? – WRONG. I didn’t realize I had the non-waterproof case on it. Was an expensive fucking weekend.