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Earlier this year I wrote a list of rules for attending professional sporting events like an adult. It covered topics such as what to wear, when to stand and a few rules for when you bring your kid to a game.
Now I don’t have any children, and I’m personally very proud of that. Do you know how hard it is not to get someone pregnant? Do you know how much practice that actually takes? More practice than I ever put in on my free throws, that’s for sure. If there was a league for not getting anybody pregnant, I would be a first ballot Hall of Famer. I mean look at my stats: I’m 9 for 10. That means that 90% of the women I’ve been with – not pregnant. Those are Hall of Fame numbers in anybody’s book! Except for that one woman’s. Her life is over. And I owe her money.
I digress. I mentioned that if you bring either a child or a date to the game that you should avoid “over educating” them on the details of the sport that only a spare few care about or understand. This is especially relevant to fathers with young children.
Last week my Cubs were visiting San Francisco and I sat in front of a dad wearing a matching Giants visor and polo who was enjoying the game with his 5-year-old son. My entire row was treated to three straight hours of the most inane baseball mumbo jumbo being beat repeatedly into this kid’s eardrum without him even able to get a word in. The dad was talking about Matt Moore’s WHIP, and how the Giants have this pitcher named Bumgarner who absolutely rakes once he’s fully healthy, and who knows what will happen if the Brewers fall apart but the Cardinals have a firm grasp on the Wild Card spot, and that was a two seamer and no it wasn’t a cutter. I’m pretty sure the kid could have shit himself and his father would have kept talking.
Dad, we get it. You’re the smartest person in your child’s life. The guys in the office stopped inviting you out for happy hour a long time ago because you couldn’t hide your boner over the All Star game no longer being worth home field advantage. You want your kids to love what you love. But give it a rest. Let them just enjoy the game with their father. Your kid isn’t going to remember a thing you told him today unless it’s “Son, we found you in a river.” The best outcome you can hope for is that when he’s a teenager he’ll turn to you one day and ask, “Hey didn’t we go to AT&T Park once?” and that’s it. Drowning him in the excruciating minutiae of the sport while simultaneously trying to show off how smart you are to a 5-year-old that relies on you for literally everything is a bad look. Plus it pisses off everybody else around you. Give me sorority girls seven days a week and twice on Sundays.
Oh man these 3 x ASU girls behind me at Cubs DBacks know so much about the Cubs apparently Kris Bryant was World Series MVP last year
— JR Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) August 13, 2017
Rewind to: October 8th, 2011. I’ve made the trip from Chicago to South Bend to see one of my childhood best friends start against the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. I don’t have a dog in the fight but am there to support my buddy. He gives The Oat and me some Air Force Falcons gear to wear and we head up to the nosebleeds to watch him chop block for the afternoon. In the row behind us is a short, skinny middle-aged man wearing a matching Notre Dame visor and polo (sensing a pattern here?). He’s got his Dennis the Menace looking son in tow along with his way too hot blonde wife who he probably films having sex with other guys to sell on the Internet.
The game starts and the Falcons are getting crushed. They’re down four touchdowns very quickly and The Oat and I are looking for the nearest bar. For those who aren’t familiar with Notre Dame fans, they’re insufferable out in the wild. So imagine how incredibly obnoxious they are on their home turf. This guy was screaming in our ear the entire game and encouraging his Chucky-like son to do the same. Every time ND scored again he would raise his kid above his head and shoulder press him seven times while the rest of the section cheered him on.
The bitch of it was that when he and his kid left to use the bathroom, I started chatting up the wife (naturally) and she told me that nobody in the family went to ND. This loser just loves the team so much because he’s Catholic, from the Midwest and doomed to a horrifically average existence. So he puts all of his emotional stock into a team he has zero connection to. The worst part is that he’s brainwashing his son into becoming a little green and navy wearing douchebag too, leading an entire generation down a miserable path of poor sports fandom.
Let your children make their own sports decisions. My father played college football and never pushed me to get out on the gridiron. He never even pushed me to watch football. I didn’t grow to love basketball until I was in my teens, and one of the biggest regrets of my life will be never seeing MJ play in a Bulls uniform in person. That’s on me. I developed a love for the Cubs from skipping classes in college and sitting in the bleachers drinking beer in the sun for $7 a seat. My love didn’t blossom from my old man shouting in my ear about RISP for nine innings and making me take a quiz when we got home.
If and when I have kids (another kid I mean), I’ll absolutely take them to all the places I loved going as a sports loving teen and adult. When we get there I’m going to let them soak it all in, answer any questions they may have and most importantly: shut the fuck up and just enjoy the memory..
This week on the preeminent dating and relationship podcast Don’t Take It From Us, Jenna Crowley and I get oddly serious as we give some tried and true dating tips in our segment Tip Included. We also grade two Bumble profiles, one of which received the highest grade I’ve ever given! I then try to make an argument on behalf of fat-shaming men, which Jenna wants no part of. Next week PGP’s Tina returns to the podcast for an all-Bumblebraggin’ episode! We’re also holding another 5-Star review contest. The funniest iTunes 5-Star reviews get read on the pod and the winner gets to be a guest on a future episode! Enjoy!
Do you have a dating or relationship question you want answered on the pod? Make sure you send our way! New eps will be released every Wednesday, so check it out on Soundcloud below or on iTunes!
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