Some Questions I Have Before My Bumble Date Tonight

Some Questions I Have Before My Bumble Date Tonight

I don’t feel the need to validate the fact that I’m going on a Bumble date tonight. Look, it’s 2017, and if you’re not on a dating app you’re either in a happy relationship or stupid.

Well, last weekend, the stars aligned and I got a Bumble match who actually messaged me and wanted to grab drinks. You may have noticed that I put the word “actually” in italics. That’s because this is something that doesn’t happen to me often, so when it does, I have a full-on anxiety attack and try to figure out what’s really going on, as though there’s some conspiracy to humiliate me in front of the general public and also my parents. I don’t know, that’s just how my mind works.

So naturally, when the conversation started flowing and Stacy said she’d love to meet me for drinks on Tuesday night, I had a few totally rational questions.

Are you lying to me, Stacy?

We agree upon too many things. There’s no way that a girl as attractive as you likes alt rock and also is able to quote Kanye as much as I do. The fact that you are partial to breakfast over every other meal and like to get drunk with the frequency that you describe is very similar to myself. What do you mean you would “love” to meet me for drinks? There has to be something wrong with you. Which brings me to my next question…

Am I getting catfished?

Okay, okay. Maybe I was overreacting at first. It’s okay to have things in common. Which we do. We do have a lot in common. Almost… too much in common.

Okay Stacy, if that is your real name (note: it isn’t, I changed it for anonymity purposes)… how do I know you’re not one of my friends or coworkers trying to get a cheap laugh? Or worse, how do I know this isn’t some elaborate scam set up by my mother, only so that she can sit me down at a bar in West Loop to tell me how I should really be pursuing my friend Hillary (also not her real name) because it “just makes more sense than these silly apps like Tender and Bangle or whatever they’re called.”

If only it was called Bangle, Mom. If only.

How much effort should I put into this?

For a second, let’s consider the idea that Stacy isn’t actually catfishing me. It’s been a minute since I’ve been on a Bumble date, and frankly, I’m not really sure how seriously I should take them. I’ll clarify to say that I don’t plan on fucking around the whole time, and I don’t plan to dress like a scrub to this thing.

But what’s the expectation here? How many dollar signs on Yelp? Personal opinion, anything over two dollar signs for a Bumble date is too many. Look, as much as the stigma of online dating is gone, I just don’t think you should be pulling out all the stops for someone you met on an app. I’m still going to be respectful, I’m still going to be courteous, but I’m not going to get us a table at the Soho House and order an UberBLACK home. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable sentiment.

Does this mean I’m ready to settle down and actually have a relationship?

Holy shit this woman might have made an honest man out of me and we haven’t even had our first beer together yet. Seriously, though, what happens if we really hit it off? Am I really ready to start a relationship and actually care about someone other than myself? Or am I just kind of bummed out because my apartment is cold and the idea of snuggling up under the covers and watching old How I Met Your Mother episodes on Netflix sounds nice this time of year?

Am I overthinking this?


Wish me luck.

Image via Shutterstock

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Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at or whatever.

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