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I don’t feel the need to validate the fact that I’m going on a Bumble date tonight. Look, it’s 2017, and if you’re not on a dating app you’re either in a happy relationship or stupid.
Well, last weekend, the stars aligned and I got a Bumble match who actually messaged me and wanted to grab drinks. You may have noticed that I put the word “actually” in italics. That’s because this is something that doesn’t happen to me often, so when it does, I have a full-on anxiety attack and try to figure out what’s really going on, as though there’s some conspiracy to humiliate me in front of the general public and also my parents. I don’t know, that’s just how my mind works.
So naturally, when the conversation started flowing and Stacy said she’d love to meet me for drinks on Tuesday night, I had a few totally rational questions.
Are you lying to me, Stacy?
We agree upon too many things. There’s no way that a girl as attractive as you likes alt rock and also is able to quote Kanye as much as I do. The fact that you are partial to breakfast over every other meal and like to get drunk with the frequency that you describe is very similar to myself. What do you mean you would “love” to meet me for drinks? There has to be something wrong with you. Which brings me to my next question…
Am I getting catfished?
Okay, okay. Maybe I was overreacting at first. It’s okay to have things in common. Which we do. We do have a lot in common. Almost… too much in common.
Okay Stacy, if that is your real name (note: it isn’t, I changed it for anonymity purposes)… how do I know you’re not one of my friends or coworkers trying to get a cheap laugh? Or worse, how do I know this isn’t some elaborate scam set up by my mother, only so that she can sit me down at a bar in West Loop to tell me how I should really be pursuing my friend Hillary (also not her real name) because it “just makes more sense than these silly apps like Tender and Bangle or whatever they’re called.”
If only it was called Bangle, Mom. If only.
How much effort should I put into this?
For a second, let’s consider the idea that Stacy isn’t actually catfishing me. It’s been a minute since I’ve been on a Bumble date, and frankly, I’m not really sure how seriously I should take them. I’ll clarify to say that I don’t plan on fucking around the whole time, and I don’t plan to dress like a scrub to this thing.
But what’s the expectation here? How many dollar signs on Yelp? Personal opinion, anything over two dollar signs for a Bumble date is too many. Look, as much as the stigma of online dating is gone, I just don’t think you should be pulling out all the stops for someone you met on an app. I’m still going to be respectful, I’m still going to be courteous, but I’m not going to get us a table at the Soho House and order an UberBLACK home. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable sentiment.
Does this mean I’m ready to settle down and actually have a relationship?
Holy shit this woman might have made an honest man out of me and we haven’t even had our first beer together yet. Seriously, though, what happens if we really hit it off? Am I really ready to start a relationship and actually care about someone other than myself? Or am I just kind of bummed out because my apartment is cold and the idea of snuggling up under the covers and watching old How I Met Your Mother episodes on Netflix sounds nice this time of year?
Am I overthinking this?
Yes.
Wish me luck. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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If things don’t work out. Remember Stacy’s mom has got it going on.
Pro tip: Pregame aggressively. If you can’t remember the date, you can’t overthink it.
You give the best advice
Slammed 10 beers before my bumble date Sunday. It went well (I think)
Did this before my last Bumble date, can confirm this is gold. Key is to show up buzzed, not drunk, then build through the date.
Sounds like a plan
Go get ’em Tiger.
Common rule of thumb when going on Bumble dates for me – While it is the 21st century and this is how we date… She already swiped right and contacted you, which means that she has already (Ladies, correct me if I’m wrong) considered the prospects of things getting down. Which means all you have to do is not fuck things up at this point.
Good luck, and Godspeed.
Yes, exactly. If I swiped right and somehow we make it past the annoying small talk to go on a date, then I’ve definitely considered the prospect of “things getting down”.
Sup?
I think the other girls are right. My least favorite question on Bumble is “what are you looking for?” because honestly it could be anywhere from one night of fun to FWB to someone to marry. But I don’t know any of that until I physically meet you in person. So if I say I don’t know, I genuinely don’t know and won’t know until I meet you.
Protip: also do not ask me what I’m looking for in a husband before we even order a 3rd drink on date #1. #ThingsThatHappened
Bet that didn’t stop you
Meh I disagree. If things were getting down with every guy I swiped and spoke to, I’d be a busy girl. I don’t know many girls that would be down to get down solely because they agree to a first date.
Anti-sup?
True, and I’m not saying that just because a girl talks to/agrees to go on a date that she is ready for the “no pants dance” – But what I am saying is that if a girl agrees to go on a first date with someone based on Bumble interactions, she is at least open to the idea that if things go well, this might be an option down the road… As with any form of dating.
i’m also a girl and i agree with you.
if anything, most of the first dates i’ve been on through bumble/tinder have solidified the idea that i’m not interested in the person i went on the date with lol
Just to clarify, you thought you were not interested in this guy before the date? Or you were open to it but his behavior on the date took him out of the running?
well i wouldn’t meet someone i wasn’t interested in! i feel like a lot of the time the person you meet isn’t at all like the person you talked to in the app/via text. like this one guy who made racist comments and then talked about how learning disabilities aren’t real and kids are just lazy (after i had explained how i used to be a teacher and had students with learning disabilities) and other offensive things ;/
So… He didn’t get to the “no pants dance” part of the date I take it…?
Agreed PK4P. Guys really underestimate how important a connection is ha. A guy could be great, nice, attractive… but sometimes there’s just no spark or connection. I have absolutely no idea if I will like a guy if I havent met him in person.
Don’t ruin his confidence.
God, Bangle really is a way better name
Lead with, “sup?”, take her to a tapas bar, and let the wine do its work. I believe in you! 😉 And I mean… worst case you’ll have a great, “all the things I did wrong on my Bumble date” story tomorrow.
“Do it for the ‘tent”
The only question you need to be worrying about is “What’s for dinner?” When Dave asks it later.
“Hey sorry I gotta pull my phone out quick so I can let Dave know what I’m having for dinner.”
If she knows what that means then you, sir, have hit a home run
“Oh yeah!”
*she then proceeds to pull out phone to also update Dave on what she’s eating for dinner*
Hopefully he gets some of that gourmet poontang for dessert.
Nom nom nom
Guys, I am now soliciting requests to write your Bumble bio. If you’re interested in my services, I charge $20 and trust me, they will be good.
Almost want to do this just to see the paragraph description you’d come up with.
What if instead I promise to actually visit you the next time I’m in Boston? That’s got to be worth at least… $6.50
Deal, my friendship is free, brother.
Wellp, looks like I’m signing back up for Bumble.
Where can I send the money?
Venmo @ri_ft……Also, if anyone wants to donate any sort of money to me that would also be very cool and stuff
I will take this deal
Word, see above comment.
So what bar you going to?
Contemplating telling you so that I can have a witness
Are you going to try and watch the disaster?
I don’t have much else to do on this rainy Tuesday.
Would love to follow a live play by play on twitter or whatever social media on this
What’s your go-to for bumble dates though?
Zed451, Hubbard Inn. If you’re about beer I like Beermiscuous and the Map Room.
I usually stick to LP – burwood for late drinks, ba-ba-Reeba for brunch
Just once, I’d like to see the person the author’s going out with read and comment on one of these articles
You mean like our PGP charlotte meet up article and redditt rebuttal we got?
Not exactly. Referring to something more like ‘Stacy’ from this article reading and commenting on it before the date
Don’t worry, I read it 😉