Aaaaaaaand You Got Absolutely Tanked At The Holiday Party

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So last night got away from you, huh? You started off the night with a plan, even though it was an open bar you were sticking to beer only and had a hard stop at 11 p.m. – and then that plan went to shit. Instead, you ended up double fisting Jack and Cokes, which then turned into taking shots with the Director of Sales and making some overly flirty comments to Chelsea from marketing. You got home at 3 a.m. and decided you needed a nightcap tall boy. Then you woke up this morning with your mouth drier than camel’s taint and with a case of Scaries that could put DeFries’ kids through college. You’re getting cold sweats remembering your actions from the night before and are even more scared about what you may not remember.

Well, you’re in luck because I’ve been in this very same position many times, and I’m feeling generous today. So I decided to bequeath my wisdom onto you before you sprint into oncoming traffic. Below is my guide to curing your post-holiday party anxiety. I’m by no means an expert in any sense of the word, but I AM a drunk who tends to run his mouth quite often. So put down that bottle of Xanax and let me be your guide back to sanity.

Hit the coffee hard.

This should really go without saying, but a steady mix of coffee and water is the first step to not being a complete piece of shit at your desk for the rest of the day. If you didn’t know this already, then you’re hopeless to begin with and should probably just join a book club. I recommend over-caffeinating yourself; it’s not a bad thing for people to be wondering how you’re so sprightly while they’re all too exhausted to go take their morning dump. Yes, you will be in for one hell of a crash later. But by the time that hits, your boss will have gone home early because he’s in the dog house for coming home at 3 a.m. the night before reeking of whiskey and stale cigarettes and waking up his 6-month-old.

Breakfast is on you today.

In my years of going to battle with near death hangovers, no food item has served me better than a good old fashioned bagel with cream cheese (add bacon if you want to live the bad boy life). Nothing will soak up all the booze in your stomach better without adding the risk of your stomach betraying you, in my opinion. If you want to be the office MVP, grab a dozen for your team. They’ll view you as God-like and will forget about all the dumb shit you said the night before real quick as they lather up their free bagels with free cream cheese. This is my go-to move after every big drinking night with my company, and I believe it’s the sole reason I wasn’t fired from my last job. Also, bagels are cheap as fuck and even the most entry level idiot can afford a nice assortment with various spreads. It’s a small price to pay when you consider how much of a boss you will look like to the rest of the office. And if anyone give you hate for being a try-hard with this one it just means they’re pissed they didn’t think of it first.

Clear your checklist early.

I understand that your head is pounding and your vision is fuzzier than the ugly sweater you threw up all over the night before. You’d rather give your boss a pedicure than crank out a spreadsheet right now, but it’ll do wonders for how your coworkers perceive you. You’re already the young one in the office who no one takes seriously, so what better way to tell them to shove it than to beast out a few reports in the morning while they’re still collecting themselves. If you haven’t figured it out yet, everyone in the office is much more hungover than you are because they’re on the wrong side of 30 and drank like a 5th senior the night before. If you can set yourself apart as the office MVP when the rest of your coworkers are at their collective worst, then there’s a chance that Chelsea from Marketing will think twice before sending that email HR about you that she’s been drafting up for the last 2 hours. No one wants to come at the guy who’s putting the team on his back in the toughest of times.

Get right back on the horse.

What better way to forget about a bad drunken night than to go have another one? Text your boys to meet at the regular spot, grab some apps, do some shots, and tell the crew all about the shit you pulled the night before. They’ll without a doubt have stories of their own, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that hearing other people’s stupid drunken mishaps is the best way to feel better about your own. .

Want to avoid being “that guy” at the company Holiday Party? Listen to this week’s “Dudes Doing Business” Podcast to hear our four best tips for surviving the office party.

Image via Shutterstock

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Kevin Caulfield

Chicago based stand up comedian. Writer. Idiot

• @TheKevinC__
• @TheKevinC__