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The Washingtonian’s wedding section is like the Diet Coke version of The New York Time’s vows section, which is a 42-ounce Coke spiked with rum and an extra cup of sugar added in for good measure. Over there, you see headlines like this:
Neither the Groom’s Phone Ringing at the Altar nor a Dance-Floor Injury Could Ruin This Maryland Couple’s Perfect Day
Can a wedding really be perfect if the groom: 1. Has his phone on him at the altar, and 2. Doesn’t silence it like a psycho?
This DC Yoga Instructor’s Gorgeous Lace-Back Wedding Dress is #GOALS
How I missed this first time around is beyond me. The headline alone was prime for the taking.
We Can’t Stop Staring at the Food at This Stunning Greek Garden Wedding
Just want you want to hear as a bride who just took sixteen hours to get done up – people can’t stop looking at the food instead of at you.
But I spit my goddamn sleepytime tea out when I read the headline, “This Bride Warned Her Groom Not to Propose When She Had Her Hair in a Ponytail, So He Postponed His Perfect Proposal.”
…what?
I’m not one to sound like a manly man. I’ve recently bolstered my nightly eye cream routine, I know that you should call them “handbags” instead of “purses,” and someone once told me, “I always think I’m looking at a girl’s Instagram story whenever you post one.” But this headline is rich, even for me. But the story is quite possibly even richer.
Per The Washingtonian:
Over a Columbus Day weekend three years after that first date, Colin proposed. But the circumstances were tricky. Years earlier at a Washington Nationals game, Colleen and Colin had witnessed a public proposal and Colleen turned to Colin and said: “two rules if we ever get engaged, please don’t propose in public and definitely don’t do it when my hair is in a ponytail. I want to look my best.”
I’m sorry, Colleen, but if Colin is going to buy a wedding ring worth thousands of dollars, you should probably be accepting of it no matter the situation. If he wants to toss it to you like a pair of keys to a valet driver, just slide it on your finger and put it on your Instagram like a normal person. I get that you want the storybook proposal, and I agree that proposing at a professional sports game is a garbage and selfish move by the future-groom. But to incorporate your hair into the equation is just downright maniacal.
Unfortunately, he listened.
Colin had planned to propose to Colleen the day they arrived in Charleston. It also happened to be his parent’s wedding anniversary. But the Mets lost in a division series game that day, and consequently Colleen was in a lousy mood. Also, he noticed, her hair was up in a ponytail. The timing wasn’t right.
No.
Earth to Colin – if you’re not allowed to propose at a Mets game, you’re not allowed to let a Mets game ruin your fucking proposal when you’re in Charleston, South Caro-fucking-lina. I’m praying that you just got cold feet and are using the Mets game and her hair being up as an excuse. I get it. Huge moment for you. But even if you did get cold feet, never admit the reasoning behind it or justify it with such reasoning that makes you look like such a dweeb.
But Colleen isn’t in the clear either. Look what you’ve done, Colleen. You’ve created a shell of a man who’s too scared of you to propose because of things like baseball games and ponytails. Is that what you want? Is that how you want to live the rest of your life? What’s next? Are you going to delay trying to conceive because The Islanders miss the playoffs or because the wind was above six knots that day?
I’m talking to you both, mano y mano y womano: stop it. Just stop it. Stop everything you’re doing and think things through before you let a somewhat-major publication run this moronic reasoning for delaying your engagement. Take a step back, let your metaphorical and physical hair down, and reassess your priorities.
Oh, and she wore her hair up on her wedding day in case anyone was wondering. Diabolical. .
[via The Washingtonian]
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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I love a pony tail. Big pony tail guy.
I concur. It is truly the most versatile of hairstyles, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.
how do you feel about buns?
They look great in yoga pants, especially when she squats around 1.5x bodyweight
Interchangeable IMO for the same versatility reasons. The only aesthetic difference being the level of formality said bun is arranged in per the occasion it is being worn in.
big fan
The toilet seat being up has never been an argument in that household.
The toilet seat has never been up in that household.
I assume because she makes him sit down to pee
You don’t sit down to pee?
So we finally know that GIRL’s name is Colleen.
I can assure you, it’s not Colleen.
Wait, does this mean we’re going to find out her name eventually?!
Conspiracy theory: It’s Willow deFries. The series is less satire and more of a manifesto for after he undergoes sex reassignment surgery
We’ll have to when Will writes the insufferable wedding announcement…
*Todd kneels down*
“Will you, the insufferable bitch who has and will continue to ruin my life, marry me?”
*All of PGP cries*
And thus begins the process of elimination for us to discover Her name. *crosses Colleen off list of 3,000 most common female names in the U.S.*
They ruined my name
Jesus Christ. I don’t care if I am wearing sweatpants with my hair looking like a rat’s nest…I would just be happy I was actually getting proposed to.
Cue the sups…
I would’ve said sup on the Boh and Crab picture alone, but after that comment:
sup?
Are we just going to ignore the fact that they essentially have the same name?
Colin was ruled out as a possible name for our hypothetical son because it sounds too close to my wife’s name…Colleen.
I don’t like when there are stipulations for the proposal. But here is a pro tip for all you dudes out there about to pop the question. If your lady friend gets regular manicures or even if she doesn’t, wait until she gets her nails done. She will want them digits looking good for that IG post.
A guy friend took his new fiancée to get a manicure shortly after he proposed so her nails looked their best when she showed off her ring. I thought that was pretty sweet.
Then you’ve got an excuse to get a mani pedi yourself
Are we doing toe engagement rings now
I shouldn’t be this pissed off on a Friday, but here we are.
Keepin it real in the dmv. The only time a wedding is happy to have crabs.
Eyyyyyyy
Crab cakes and stuck-up brides! That’s what Maryland does!
Don’t forget the natty bros
It’s when I read things like this that I realize there is no hope for our future
My brother removed his wife’s sunglasses and purse and set them aside before he proposed, because I think that is just a pro move. This… this is just incredibly disheartening.
You mean handbag, right, Will?