======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
September 29th, 2013 was a day that started out like any other day in my young post-grad life. I was about two months into my first “real job.” That weekend was particularly stressful in so many ways, though. I put on a bachelor party for my best friend from college that was highly successful despite almost burning down the cabin because no one cleaned out the grease traps in the grill. I got home from the bachelor party and took a well-deserved nap.
Upon waking up, I noticed I had something like seven missed calls. My father had surgery the prior week and I remember distinctly saying after he came out, “glad you didn’t die.” These thoughts flooded my mind as I saw I had a few voicemails. Deep down, I already knew that something had gone wrong and my dad was dead.
I’ve been mulling this article over for many years. It’s not exactly a happy topic as most of the things on this website are dealing with dating advice, debauchery we all thought we’d grow out of and trash TV topics. I always have tried to write things that were more personal because that’s just who I am. Writing was and is a cathartic type of thing, even though the first article I ever got published nearly three years ago was about shitting my pants at work.
I come from a blue collar family. My dad dropped out of college to work with his brothers at the family hardware business, something he’d done since he was able to count. My dad would have been much better served finishing his last year and a half of school and becoming an accountant, but that’s another story. As with many blue collar families working blue collar jobs, my dad wasn’t the healthiest and the effects of Home Depot and Lowe’s running a small family business of 50+ years slowly into the ground weighed on him, literally and figuratively. He stress ate and ballooned to a pretty large size. Gastric bypass was supposed to be the cure, but surgeries aren’t always cut and dry.
You always think your parents will be there for you until they aren’t. My dad and I were quite close and we talked on the phone at least four days a week. It takes a while to get used to the fact that unless Elon Musk creates some sort of machine, you’ll never spend another moment on this earth with your deceased parent. There are still fleeting times when I see something and get the urge to call him, only to remember that I can’t. On one particularly low day, I called his old number to hear his voicemail, only to find out some middle aged lady in New Jersey was wondering why I called. I just apologized and told her, “Sorry, wrong number.”
There’s honestly no playbook for when your parents pass. It is one of those things in life where you can have someone explain to you how it feels, yet until it happens to you it’s a phenomenon that cannot be learned because each person has a different experience and coping methods. My dad loved music and has a massive vinyl collection, the only thing he owned that I wanted. Sometimes if a song he liked comes on the radio, it causes a stirring in my being which leads to breakdowns at inopportune places.
Growing up, we had to beg and plead for a dog. One day, I brought home a German Shepherd from Cincinnati that someone dropped off at my then girlfriend’s place of work. He was terrified of men but he and my dad formed a deep bond. I remember after a few drinks one night, my dad tearfully told me we never had dogs because it was too sad to lose them, not because he didn’t want any. When my dad passed, Sam was never the same. He passed a few years after my dad, but enough to give my mom closure.
A lot has changed in the four and a half years. My mom lost her house. She apparently has a new boyfriend which has been about as fun to think about as slamming my dick in a car door. My dad will still show up in my dreams from time to time, occasionally to yell at me for spending money, other times to go do things he’d never do in real life. I’ve learned to try to keep in touch with my mom more. She’s grown a lot since then as well. I noticed it the last few times she’s visited that she’s getting older although we’ve actually never had a better relationship.
Not a day goes by where I don’t think about Ed. It could be from small things, like hearing an oldie or making a steak. You never really realize how alike you are to your parents until they aren’t there, like they manifest themselves through your behavior. I have nicknames for just about everyone I know. Like my dad before me, I’ve been on a first name basis with my parents since I can remember. I can bullshit with the best of them and I’ll always be thankful of my dad’s insistence to serve others. Tank, Mrs. Madoff and I, along with my boss and his daughter, will be spending this Valentine’s Day at the nursing home.
One day, if you haven’t already, you will lose your parents. I’d trade anything I own for a few more minutes with my dad. I kick myself for all the times I gave him a hard time about his weight, knowing I can never apologize although I’d like to think he forgave me. The best advice I can give is to know when to be alone and when to be with people. Do things that keep their memory alive. Call your family and always, always tell them you love them whenever you see them because you never know if that’s the last time. My dad had a three hour wait to get into his funeral because so many people showed up. I heard stories about him I never knew. I’m sure you’re out there somewhere, driving that old ‘95 Cadillac Fleetwood in the sky..
Respond
Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
I need to take the afternoon off after reading this. Awesome work.
This was an absolutely incredible piece. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine.
I lost my mom to cancer when I was ten and just my older brother last month to depression. Losing a sibling so early has been a whole new kind of grief, but having gone through losing Mom feels like I at least have some practice as morbid as that sounds.
You never stop missing them but with support from family and friends it gets easier. Take care of your remaining family, and most importantly, take care of yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself you won’t be able to take care of others. I’m talking out of my ass like I have it together, but right now I am feeling better than usual. And don’t feel bad about being happy whenever you actually feel happy if even for a moment.
Thanks for writing this, Madoff.
Losing a parent at a young age puts you in a club where the only thing you want, aside from having to join, is to be the last member. Well done, Madoff. I don’t normally cry at 12:30 on Tuesday.
Madoff, please don’t ever change the way you write, you are beyond brilliant and gifted. Your dad would be incredibly proud of you.
I wish I didn’t know this. My dad and I talked on the phone most days during my hour and a half commute. He’s been gone 14 months now and I still almost call him at least once a week. Going through normal life and almost forgetting he’s gone only to remember again is the worst part. Beautiful piece, Madoff.
I haven’t been close with my parents for the last 3-4 years. This article has changed my perspective and I’m going to reach out to them. Thank you for writing about what you do and how you do.
I’m sorry for your loss, Madoff. I lost my mom ten years ago, when I was a sophomore in college, and I would not wish the grief from losing a parent at a young age on my worst enemy. I completely empathize with you about wanting to give anything for a few minutes with your parent – I would love to tell my mom all about my life now, as it’s hopefully it’s the kind of life she envisioned for me when she, my dad and baby Bill Nye uprooted their lives and moved to a foreign land 6,000 miles away.
As the years go by, the pain starts to dull. The memories, when you recall them, always hurt the same, but they do come up less and less often. When you think back to your deceased parent and realize that this pain you’re feeling was the last thing in the world that they wanted for you, you have to try and get over it. It sounds like you’ve found contentment in your life, but if you have not, I hope you are able to do so.
I lost my father when I was five, and one thing I always wondered is how much it would’ve been different if it happened at 10, 15, or 20. The hardest thing for me was that there aren’t any real memories; what was there fades. But you’re 100% right about the comfort in knowing they would still want you to be happy and do the most with your life. I’ve been lucky to have family to remind me of this over the years, and I appreciate you reminding me of this as well today, Bill.
THIS. Lost my dad when I was 8 and the portion of your life with memories of them just gets smaller and smaller as the years go on. And the memories you do have are through the lens of a child.
Bill – It takes a special king of strength to continue college after losing your parent. When my dad was sick with cancer my senior year, I was working part time, trying to keep my grades up, and interviewing for jobs. Driving an hour to spend time with him as much as I could while trying to keep my shit together was one of the greatest struggles of my life. Looking back on it, I dont know how I kept it together. If there was no light at the end of the tunnel (sophmore year as opposed to senior year), I am not sure I would have made it through. Kudos to you my man
Brb, texting my mom and dad right now that I love them.
Real talk
Thanks for writing this, Madoff. I lost my dad to cancer when I was 14 and you’re right, you never really stop missing them. I got married recently and it was an amazing day, but it stung looking over at the family table and not seeing my dad there. All of the milestones of adulthood have a little moment of sadness in them for me where I find myself thinking what I wouldn’t give to have him there to share it with me. I definitely value any family time/phone calls I get now like it’s gold, far more than I did when I was younger. Will certainly be calling my mom after work today. Thanks for sharing your story.