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I feel like I just said goodbye to you, dear friend.
Some say that The Kentucky Derby marks the first day of summer. Some will also tell you that the Summer Solstice actually marks the first day of summer, but those are also the people who get bent out of shape when someone puts lemonade in their water cup and refuse to cross the street unless the sign specifically tells them to walk. Others compromise and use Memorial Day as their signal that summer has officially arrived.
But not me. There’s a defining event that separates spring from summer. Much like the first snowflake signifies that winter is overcoming fall, and the first fallen leaf closes the door on summer, this event is season specific. It turns the tide of the spring and ushers you directly into everyone favorite season – summer.
It’s not when the snowbanks melt. It’s not when you see the first buds forming on trees. And it’s not the moment when you realize it’s warm enough to simply wear shorts instead of the pants that have been plaguing you since September.
No, it’s more than that – it’s the first time you see someone of the fairer sex sporting white pants for the first time.
Sure, we love the hunter green and deep navy that come with fall, the black and browns that characterize winter fashion. But there’s something about the seasonality of white pants that ushers in the warm feelings and memories of summer’s past. The pants that we said farewell to after Labor Day have now emerged from their hibernation and are surrounding all of us. In the wild, they can be seen everywhere – getting coffee, at brunch, rehearsal dinners, cookouts.
Some men? They’re “yoga pants” guys. Others prefer a pair of cutoff jean shorts, or “daisy dukes” for those in the know. There’s even a contingent of sundress connoisseurs and palazzo pants aficionados emerging on the scene. But much like Bo Derek or Christie Brinkley, there’s a timeless beauty to a pair stiff, starched white jeans that will always catch the eye of innocent onlookers. There’s a mystery that surrounds them. There’s a tacit understanding that a pair of white pants somehow accentuate everything that’s right about the female figure. Fortunately for me, it’s not my job to understand how or why they do it. That would be like asking why the sky is blue or why boobs are good – they just are, as Joe Dirt would tell you.
I understand that some tastemakers maintain that white pants can be worn during the course of any season while traditionalists will insist they can only be worn between Memorial Day and Labor Day. But much like there’s no greener green than the outfield at spring training, white pants never look quite as white as when they’re taken out of their packaging and worn between May and July. There’s an undeniable charm that makes you feel the emotions of the season whenever they’re in your presence. Their bright color, their slimming nature, their festive feel, the fact that they “go with everything.” They’re… they’re perfect.
Or, perhaps it’s their danger that attracts us to them. The fact that one slip of an ice cream cone can cause you to say, “Honey, we need to go home.” Or the fear of a rambunctious dog putting their dirt-filled paws on them when all they’re looking for is some scratches around the ears. Or even the fear of sitting down on a dirty lawn chair, only to stand up and see they’ve been soiled by dirty rain that came the night before.
At the end of the day, I don’t care what makes them attractive. It’s rare in life to find beauty in something that’s unlimited. When quantity takes over quality, things tend to lose their sexiness and allure. With every July sun that sets, you know that there’s a brevity to White Pants Season. It’s a ticking time bomb that doesn’t end in destruction, just an absence of purity in the everyday wardrobes of the women we love.
With open arms and wide eyes, I welcome you, White Pants Season. It’s great having you back. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
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Just when you write an article defaming loud socks and I think you couldn’t get any lower, DeFries, you bring something like this, and TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!
Can’t even see her face and I want to marry the stock photo lassie.
Damn, now I have to go drink on a patio after work. It’s finally nice out and this article got me all riled up.
Needs at least…5 more stock photos of white pants for…research purposes
Love your articles(minus the socks showdown of last week) and am damn glad that you, Jared, and Crash are carrying Grandex on your shoulders down in Austin. However, had you never moved out of SF, you would still get to experience the immense joy of year-round white pants. From the crowds outside of Tipsy to the patios of Tacolicious, there is always a solid stream of beautiful ladies with pants so white they make my pasty ass look like Oberyn Martell. We definitely don’t get the sundress game of other locales, but there has to be some trade off. White pants have magical powers.
I like this guy. He’s solid, and he’s cool.
I’ve always been a sundress girl myself, but ever since buying my first pair of white pants a few weeks ago my life has been changed for the better. There’s something about wearing them that makes it feel like you mean business. Idk if that makes any sense but yeah, I’ll be wearing these a lot this summer.
Sup?
I’m as undress fan myself. But appreciated this column regardless. After this past Saturday didn’t break out of the 40’s, I’m ready for all forms of female summer fashion.
I too enjoy a good undressing the most.
I’d say it was a typo. But it’s probably more that my subconscious knows I like boobs.
Dressed get yeses
White pants and Sundresses! God Bless Summer!
Haha, as Joe Dirt would say. “Why’s a tree good? Why’s a sunset good? Why’s boobs good? Firecrackers man, put em in mailboxes, shove em up a bull frogs ass”
totally went to j crew and bought white pants after reading this #noshame
I once read somewhere that men are attracted to women in white jeans because it signifies that they’re ovulating, since women are less likely to wear white jeans when they’re on their period. Although it sounds very creepy, theres probably some truth to it.
You just made things kind of weird.
This is some next level psychopath stuff…
Danny Devito in it’s always sunny first brought this to our attentions.
I think the color white just draws attention to her ass, it’s really that simple.