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Alright folks. Last week’s episode of The Bachelor reintroduced us to Nick Viall, aka Pubehead McGee, as his journey to
not get dumped on national television yet again find love began. At the end of last week, Pubes narrowed his choices for a future alimony recipient down from thirty to twenty-two, you know, a much more manageable number. Just kidding – I still can’t tell half of these women apart, and honestly, I probably won’t really give a shit for another two weeks at least.
This week’s episode was both delicious and painful, sort of like the feeling you get when you eat an entire large pizza by yourself in a single sitting, complete with the wave of self-loathing when the entire experience is over. While technically there are still twenty-two women left on the Hot Mess Express, this episode only focuses on two of them: Corinne and Liz. Let’s break it down:
Wedding Photoshoot Group Date
Chris Harrison delivers the first date card to the mansion and spends his contractually obligated amount of time interacting with contestants before he bounces to do literally anything else than breathe the herpes-laden air that icontinually circulates through the Bachelor Mansion. Seriously, does anyone know how I can get his job? I want it.
The date card reads “Always a bridesmaid…” and goes to Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, and Elizabeth W. As the ladies step out of the mansion, a fleet of Buick convertibles is parked outside waiting to whisk them to their date in style and comfort, like they’re a pack of octogenarians heading to get lit at their weekly bridge game. We get it Buick; you’re trying to reinvent yourself. It’s not working. On the upside, the ladies do a great job of pretending to be excited about heading to their date in cars that resemble convertible hearses; this is super promising for their future career in selling shit on Instagram. Looking at you, Sugar Bear Hair and Flat Tummy Tea.
Once the ladies depart from the Bachelor Mansion, they arrive at a different mansion where Nick is waiting for them. As the harem lays their eyes upon Pubes, they emerge from their Buick promo emitting a chorus of squeals reminiscent of the swimming pigs from Ben’s season, except if instead of swimming, they were dying painful deaths. Nick starts the date off with a pep talk, letting them know that group dates can be super weird. He should know; he’s the world’s foremost expert on them at this point. Seriously, has anyone been on more group dates than him? I wish the Bachelor franchise had jerseys so after this dumpster fire of a season they could retire Nick’s number and finally lay his era to rest.
Nick & Co are met by some dude named Franco who claims to be a renowned photographer and is wearing a purple ’80s print romper and pornstache. I’m fairly certain that this dude is not a photographer and instead is a random hipster a producer saw ogling a pair of vegan Birkenstocks with a DSLR slung across his shoulder, but whatever. He informs everyone that their date activity will be participating in a wedding-themed photoshoot. Either I’m having déjà vu or we’ve seen this shit before.
Regardless – this is a great first date idea for a few reasons. First and foremost, it’s awkward. Awkward television is the best television. Second, making these girls dress up as brides is an excellent way to pour gasoline on the fire of their insecurities, which are likely at an all time high. Not only do they have to wonder if they’ll ever find love and get married, they have to wonder if they’re even the hottest bride in a room full of brides competing for the same potential future husband. On top of that, Pornstache doesn’t even have enough wedding dresses to go around, so a few of the girls have to dress up as bridesmaids, which really dials the inferiority complexes up to an 11. Well played, ABC.
Once Pornstache starts doling out dresses, it becomes apparent that each individual wedding photoshoot is themed. Keeping with the tradition of ridiculous costumes, Former Dolphinshark Alexis is assigned the role of shotgun bride, complete with real shotgun and fake baby bump. Either Alexis is a confident, carefree type of girl who is always down for fun and a good laugh, or her self-esteem is so low she will literally do anything for a man to love her. I have my theories. (Spoiler alert – it’s the second one.)
Brittany drew the lucky straw to have an Adam and Eve themed costume, complete with fig leaf bikini bottom and nothing else. Thankfully a stylist hooked her up with some hair extensions so she didn’t have to go totally tits out for the boys. Nick showed up in a matching fig-leaf cod piece, and the two of them borrowed the black box previously used by Jillian on Chris’s season to make sure their fun bits didn’t end up on screen while they Lady and the Tramp’ed some forbidden fruit. It was pretty sultry, and as they finished their photos, the rest of the girls stood up to clap for Brittany and Nick…everyone that is, except for Corinne.
Throughout this date, every cutaway interview has been devoted to Corinne, who alternates between talking about how great she is while simultaneously talking shit about every other girl. Until now, Corinne had been spewing out normal delusional sound bites, such as, “I’m definitely the hottest bride,” and “I was the first to kiss him, and my name was first on the date card. I’m just full of number 1’s! It’s way better than being number 2…or going number 2.” I wonder why Corinne doesn’t like going number 2? Maybe she’s still upset about the time a weekend bender resulted in her shitting out two used condoms and what appeared to be a Happy Meal toy the following Tuesday afternoon, and after helping clean things up, her nanny has never been able to look her in the eyes again.
As soon as she saw Brittany topless, Corinne went from clinically insane to DEFCON batshit. She takes advantage of her role as a beach bride as she and Nick climb into the pool for their photoshoot. She attaches herself to Nick like a baby koala, if baby koalas clasped on to their mothers using their vaginas. While Nick was just trying to take some goddamn pictures and get out of the water, Corinne had other ideas. As the camera snaps away, she starts to loosen up his buttons like she’s a washed up Pussycat Doll vying for a comeback, finally ripping his shirt off of him. Does being the Bachelor imply consent, because it doesn’t seem like Nick is into this. Not to be outdone by Brittany, Corinne takes her top off and then informs Nick that “we’re going to Janet Jackson it” before slapping his hands on her voluntarily exposed breasts. As this was happening, the rest of the girls stared on sheer horror; it was as if they were watching a sex scene in a movie with their parents, but instead of a regular movie, it was a home video of their own parents having sex. Cannot unsee.
Pornstache told Corinne that she was the winner of the challenge for best chemistry with Nick or some shit like that; honestly, I didn’t pay attention to what happened because I was too busy locking my doors and windows to make sure that crazy bitch couldn’t find her way in here.
The rest of the date was devoted to a cocktail party; Nick started off by telling the girls he looked forward to spending time with each of them that night. Apparently Corinne took this as a personal challenge to ensure that no one else was able to approach Nick as she circled around him like a shark watching a baby seal or a rogue surfer while preparing its attack plan. As soon as another girl sat down with Nick, Corinne would appear out of the woodwork and ask to steal him away; good old Pubes was too much of a puss to tell her to back off, so she got her way every time. Sidenote – can anyone confirm that Chad hasn’t undergone gender reassignment and invested heavily in plastic surgery and resurfaced as Corinne? Have they ever been seen in the same room? I think not.
The only girl to stand up to Corinne was Taylor, the mental health counselor who should probably take her own advice and reconsider appearing on reality television. After Corinne swooped Nick mere moments after he sat down with Taylor, Taylor shared a few thoughts with the camera crew, saying, “I have met girls like Corinne before. They were not my friends.”
Seeing as she may or may not be here to make friends, Taylor walked back over to Nick and Corinne and asks to steal Nick back. Come on ladies, he’s a person, not a piece of meat that can just be passed back and forth. As Taylor sits back down, Corinne storms off. She tells anyone who will listen that “IT WAS VERY RUDE THE WAY TAYLOR INTERRUPTED ME! When I asked to steal him, I was very polite about it, and she thinks it’s okay to steal him back! It was very rude.” I’d love to see Corinne get in a Twitter fight with Donald Trump; they’d probably be able to produce enough gold from their interactions to independently finance that wall, although for the record I am opposed to anything that increases my separation from Jorge the Bartender from Bachelor in Paradise.
Taylor and Nick’s conversation seems to go well; he tells her he enjoyed his time with her, and that she should keep interrupting the other girls if it means he gets to talk to her more. Taylor counts this as quite the victory, telling the camera “Maybe his heart is coming to me and my brain!” Taylor, I don’t know if you’ve ever watched this show before – but I can assure you, Nick’s heart will not be the first thing that’s coming. Even though he enjoyed his conversation with Taylor, Pubes ultimately gives Corinne the group date rose which both guarantees us another week of her antics, as well as prevents Nicks from being murdered in his sleep. Grinning from ear to ear, Corinne slowly tucks the rose away in her platinum vagine for safekeeping.
One-on-One Date with Danielle M.
The season’s first one-on-one date goes to Danielle M., a neonatal intensive care nurse from Nashville. Her date card reads, “Our relationship is about to take off…” Their date consists of riding around the coast in a helicopter before landing on a yacht and drinking champagne and eating cheese in a hot tub – it’s basically my ideal first date. Hell, you could leave out the yacht, hot tub, and champagne – I’d be happy enough with just the cheese.
After spending the afternoon sunning on the yacht, Nick and Danielle M. return to shore for dinner, where he summarizes roughly 40 hours ofBachelorette and 16 hours of Bachelor in Paradise footage into 90 seconds. It’s still boring. He tells Danielle M. that he’s ready to be vulnerable; she must feel the same way, because she decides to tell him that not only was she previously engaged, but her fiancé died after overdosing on drugs and she was the one who found him. It was some heavy shit. Needless to say, Nick gives her the date rose, they ride a Ferris wheel, and everything is magical.
I usually have more commentary to offer on these dates – but in reality, Nick and Danielle’s date was so normal it barely even got any airtime. Nearly the entirety of this segment, and the rest of the episode, was devoted to Liz. For those of you catching up, Liz was the Maid of Honor at Bachelor royalty Jade and Tanner’s wedding. In case you missed that, don’t worry, she’ll repeat it about 69 times during the remainder of the episode. That’s where she initially met Nick, and shortly thereafter the two of them boarded the Poundtown Express to Pleasure Town.
Apparently this secret began to weigh heavy on Liz’s conscience during the roughly 48 hours she had spent at the Bachelor mansion, and she felt the need to bare her scarlet letter to a fellow contestant. After promising not to tell a soul in an Oscar-worthy Gretchen Weiners impression, Christen was the lucky soul that Liz decided to entrust with her confession. Over what seemed like the next eternity, Liz divulged every dirty detail of her tryst with Nick, from meeting him in the hotel lobby to DFMOing at the reception, to hallway MOing after the reception, and concluding with the grand finale of hotel sex. She made sure to reiterate that she shot Nick down when he asked for her number since “Of course he’s going to ask for my number, he just fucked me.” By the end of Liz’s rant, Christen’s hair had grown three sizes larger that day, full to the point of bursting with a crop of new, juicy secrets.
Museum of Broken Relationships Group Date
The final date of this episode is another group date, and this time the card reads, “We need to talk…” and is addressed to Christen, Josephine, Assturd, Jaimi, Kristina, and Liz. I can sense the drama brewing already. The producers arrange the most romantic date they can think of – a trip to the Museum of Broken Relationships. It’s quite appropriate given the statistical outcomes of this show – may as well be honest about your expectations from the beginning. The displays are all just old shit thrown out after people’s break ups. Nick claims he made a contribution to the museum, and after approximately 3 seconds of half-assed searching, the girls spot a dead rose and a massive Neil Lane engagement in the center of the display left over from Nick’s second run on The Bachelorette. I guarantee you this is a set up – classic Neil whoring himself out for more airtime.
As they wander around the museum, Liz makes a few attempts to talk to Nick. He seems nervous around her and scampers off whenever she gets too close. In the background of each of these interactions, you can see Christen staring at Nick and Liz, holding her breath and tugging on her hoop earrings out of sheer anxiety. We’re not even through the first week and this poor girl is already about to snap.
In the midst of looking around the museum, a fake couple stages a fake breakup, complete with screaming, slapping, and throwing of rings. Not seeing the irony of the situation, the girls all think this is a real couple having a real fight; we’ve got a lot of sharp ones this season. After the ruse is revealed, the director of the museum informs the group that their date activity will be to perform fake break ups in front of a live audience. It’s perfect practice for the not-so-distant future when they will perform real break ups on national television in front of their friends and family instead of random strangers.
As the public break up portion of the date commences, another random couple breaks things off to set the mood. In this scene, some man-child is bitching because his girlfriend didn’t want to go visit his family because she was too hungover from margaritas. If I were that girl I’d bounce too – judgment for drinking too many margaritas in not the type of negativity I need in my life right now. In fact, if homegirl wants someone to partake in some #marglife with her, I’d volunteer as tribute.
After this, Assturd is the first of the contestants to show off her breakup skills. They are subpar at best – she tells Nick she can’t accept the rose he gave her since he’s also dating all her friends and snaps the rose in half and walks off. If I were Nick, I’d probably just let her keep walking. Kristina asks him if he brushed and flossed his teeth (since she’s a dental hygienist) and tries to make a joke about oral health, but it falls flat. Jaimi and Christen’s breakups were so boring I didn’t even both to take notes on them. The only thing remarkable from Josephine’s break up is that she absolutely smacks the shit out of Nick, a bold move if you’re trying to impress a guy. If I were Josephine, I’d try to avoid drawing attention to my man hands. Leaving a five-star on your boyfriend’s face is a bold strategy, Cotton, so we’ll see how that plays out for her.
The producers saved the best for last; instead of doing something cheesy, Liz goes straight from the jugular. Reading from her diary, she walks Nick through their entire relationship to this point. “I first saw you in a hotel lobby and your carefree spirit drew me in, in fact, I still feel that way.” She continues on, emphasizing that while she had a lot of fun with him during their first encounter, she wasn’t ready for a relationship, and also didn’t trust him completely.
She progressed to indicate how she felt like he was putting distance between them every since she appeared on the show, and concluded by saying “I hope that when you find the woman you want to fight for, you will fight for her.” When she finishes, the audience is silent. Christen’s mouth opens and shuts in stunned silence like a fish out of water screaming for its breath. Jaimi leans over to her and whispers “Wow, she really went into detail with that story line!” Inside, Christen screams, “This is all real, you dumb bitch!” At home on her couch, Jade puts another tally mark down for the number of times her wedding has been mentioned on television tonight.
The remainder of the date is spent at a cocktail party. One by one, Nick spends time with every girl except for Liz. The only notable thing we learn is that Jaimi’s craziest dating experience was that she’s dated women before, which, lesbihonest, isn’t totally unexpected. Also I doubt that she’s the first Bachelor contestant with that particular confession, but props to the producers for letting her say it on air. Nick doesn’t seem phased by it, which on the surface seems very progressive and accepting, but you can tell just underneath the tendrils of his head-bush he’s already trying to figure out how to parlay this confession into a pre-Fantasy Suite threesome.
After Liz’s break up monologue, Nick indicated his concern that Liz had perhaps told everyone that they bumped uglies. Up to this point, the ladies seemed blissfully unaware. As relief washed over him, Nick finally sat down to talk to Christen, who started their conversation on a strong note. “So I hear you fucked Liz at Jade and Tanner’s wedding! It’s cool, I can get past it. Please love me.” Nick pats her gently on the leg before going to find Liz. As he leaves, Christen whispers quietly to herself, “You go Glen Coco.”
Echoing the date card, Nick finds Liz and says, “We need to talk.” They rehash what happened at the wedding (again), and Nick asks why she never reached out to him for the fifteenth time in two episodes. It’s almost as if he’s concerned that she didn’t come on The Bachelor for the right reasons! He tells her it seems odd that in the nine months since their pants-off dance-off, she’s never tried to contact him. Given that they have mutual friends, it would have been very easy for her to reach him if she was interested in getting to know him better, and thinks she may be using their past as a way to get herself on TV. She tries to explain herself, and says that she doesn’t like talking on the phone. She comes up with a few other shitty excuses, but the rest of her dialogue is mostly incoherent, and Pubes doesn’t buy it. He tells her the more she says, the less sense she makes. He lays down the hammer, and not in the way she’s accustomed to; saying, “Based on this conversation, and the other connections I’m developing, I don’t think we have a future” and sends her home.
As he returns to the other five women, they notice Liz’s absence, as well as the ungodly amount of time they spent talking. Nick senses their curiosity and decides to come clean (in the honestly sense, not the venereal disease sense) and levels with them. “Liz? Oh, yeah. I sent her home. I actually knew her before the show – we met at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, and we had sex.”
With that, ABC hits us with a “To Be Continued” and effectively blue balls us into next week. See you then..
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Image via YouTube / ABC