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We only have one question this week, but I thought it was a pretty good one. It comes from a perpetually single girl who needs some answers. I’ll take a crack at it. As always, the question is in quotes and please keep the questions coming.
Hey Johnny,
This feels super fucking creepy but whatever, I’m bored at work. I’ve been reading your stuff on PGP on a weekly basis cause I have nothing better to do at the office and you seem knowledgeable enough. It’s nice to hear the dude’s perspective on dating and stuff…cause usually I have no fucking clue what’s going through their minds. So I’m a 23-year-old girl also living in Chicago (I’m surprised I’ve never seen you out before actually) and I’ve never been in a relationship. Life’s starting to feel really fucking lonely but I just don’t know how to go about the whole boyfriend thing. In college I didn’t exactly give off the relationship vibe, going out and getting wasted every weekend, bringing home a different dude every night, etc…and now I’m almost 24 years old and have never had a boyfriend. It seems pretty pathetic tbh. I’m on all the stupid dating apps but a) most of the dudes are ugly and/or creeps, and b) none of the normal ones want anything more than sex. Which is fine, I get that but how do I give off a more serious vibe without coming off as desperate and crazy? Guys our age seem so turned off by girls who actually want something more than sex these days that it seems near impossible to actually date. And I’d even be fine with an FWB, as long as the whole “friend” part was actually present. Most (probably all) the dudes I’ve ever been with have been total assholes, ignoring me when they feel like it but expecting me to drop everything when they want to fuck. I’m pretty jaded when it comes to dudes and I don’t really trust any of you (sorry), not to mention I’m pretty picky with the kind of guys I’d be open to….so all of these things combined have left me alone and perpetually single. How much longer do I have to wait till I find a genuine dude? Cause right now it’s looking pretty damn bleak.
Well sorry for the rant….good luck with everything and maybe I’ll see you out sometime (I’m probably too big of a pussy to say hi though hah).
You’re a 23-year-old girl living in Chicago. What is your rush? First and foremost, you need to take a step back and smell the roses. Other than bills and getting to work on time, you live in the one of the largest cities in the country with little to no obligations. So I think you’re overreacting and freaking out about nothing when you tell me that you’ve never had a boyfriend. I know tons of people who have never had a significant other.
Having said that, I do think there is some value to having dated someone for a period of time. One gets better at handling certain situations if they’ve been in a long term relationship before. By this, I mean knowing when to engage in a fight and when to just concede defeat. That’s actually a huge part of dating that I don’t think is talked about enough. You have to pick your battles (especially if you’re a guy) because if you’re not then you’re probably just fighting all of the time and that’s not fun for anyone.
But you don’t need to worry about that just yet because you’re apparently very, very, single. You’re not pathetic. Show a little bit of pride for God’s sake. If you want a boyfriend so bad keep putting yourself out there. Continue going on dates because eventually you’ll find someone that you can tolerate and is willing to be in a long-term, monogamous relationship. Unfortunately for a lot of guys, the go-to excuse for not committing to one girl is that she is “crazy.” It bothers me how that term has become synonymous with girls looking to get into serious relationships. It’s lazy and insulting to women, but that’s 2016 for you. I’m not sure you should be fine with a friends with benefits situation, either. Nine times out of ten I would say that the “FWB” relationship ends in flames unless you are Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake.
If you want a boyfriend, then be upfront about it and try not to worry too much about being called insane, clingy, desperate-any of the cliché stereotypes you can think of. Just don’t let words like that discourage you pofrom what you want. I don’t have an answer for you in regards to how long this will all take. You might meet Mr. Right on the train ride back to your apartment tonight. You might not meet him for three years. I do know that you’re 23. There’s no reason for you to be tied down right now. Enjoy your singledom and lack of responsibility. Everyone your age is engaging in the chase. Relish this time in your life. You’ll appreciate it when you’re 28 or 29 and your live-in boyfriend is making you watch a fucking Blackhawks game that you don’t give a shit about. .
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jduda@grandex.co
This girl is probably getting sucked in to boyfriend arms race by the gals at work
Nailed it. When you’re young, everything feels like a rush but there’s so much time. Go out on random dates, get drunk with your friends and don’t try to hard to force the relationship thing- it’ll come when you least expect it.
And then you can never get out.
Don’t you have some boxes to pack?
I totally get the allure of a legit relationship, but I just don’t understand rushing into it. Put yourself out there with people and if it happens, it happens. No need to force it.
Pretty much this. Unless you’re a woman in your 30s with a ticking biological clock, take your time. Don’t look for a relationship, focus on meeting many people and it’ll happen on its own once you’ve met the right person.
Somebody sounds a litter bitter about the Wings going out and the Hawks having a miraculous comeback.
Go Blues
awesome stuff again johnny.
in general most of the people in these need to hear and put into motion the idea of being secure in who they are and what they want. being a chick that wants a relationship isn’t a bad thing, it shows maturity to me. I don’t like the random quick hitter scene as a male. I don’t make any real connections or ever learn anything interesting about a girl when I’m just hooking up with them. It drives me nuts, it’s not stimulating. But with that I’m not trying to get married anytime soon either but I want a nice little medium between a suffocating nightmare and a bland shallow pinch hit appearance.
Johnny, your second paragraph was spot on, and I’m amazed no one ever talks about it. Learning when and how to fight is one of the most important parts of a relationship.
This girl needs to live out the single life in full force, no doubt but she’s also at the age where at the same time, she should also be looking for numerous cats to adopt online and also getting heavily into the vegan scene. Just in case her bad luck keeps going for another couple of years, she’ll have a safety net plan kind of like a 401K except she retired by age 25.
Criminally underrated thoughts, and it makes me angry that you routinely get downvoted into oblivion. Throw your hater shades on and piss on the people who can’t figure out the genius here.
Sort of going off of paragraph 2…. A couple of my friends and I (all female) came to a realization that pretty much every relationship fight we’ve ever been in, started with us getting mad at the guy for something. I don’t think a a boyfriend has ever been pissed at me and picked a fight over it, ever. I’m sure I’ve done annoying things, but they’ve all just let it go. Only exception in the group was a girl whose ex used to get mad at her for flirting with his friends, but seems like a unique scenario. Has anyone else really looked back and seen a similar pattern ( and is it really always the girls making the guys bad behavior into a fight?)
If you don’t cheat, and don’t nag us, we’ll rarely argue with you. Most men will go out of their way to avoid a fight with their girlfriend.
Preach
I think it’s about communicating expectations and sticking with them. When I first fooled around with my now long term girlfriend she asked me “what is this?” I very honestly told her that I liked her, I would like to keep seeing her in the hopes that it could turn into a relationship. I asked how she felt about that and she agreed. After that with every road bump we communicated needs and expectations resulting into the awesome partnership that we call our relationship. The truth sucks sometimes but it’s how you grow as a person and more importantly it’s how you get what you want out of life. It’s okay to say no or yes or vocalize what you want. If the other person doesn’t reciprocate, at least you know where you stand.
it feels like a lot of people look at dating like a company looking to fill a position.
They’re already looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend and compare you to this imaginary person they have in their head. Dating should just be two people who like being together and giving it a shot rather than two people comparing checklists. But that’s just my opinion