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These questions continue to amaze me. As always, Anonymous’ question is in quotes below.
Cue 2004 Usher: these are my confessions.
Hey Johnny.
I’ve read all your columns and I’m hoping you’ll be able to help me out here. I’ve recently moved to a neighborhood in Cincinnati where my ex from college is also currently living. We dated for 2.5 years before an explosive breakup senior year, but continued to find ourselves in each others beds multiple weekends throughout the year before graduation.
Anyways, I had let her know via snapchat that I moved to Cincy, and five days later I found myself in her condo, naked, for the majority of the 9 hours I was there. We have continued to see each other, go to dinner, drink wine, and have sex almost bi-weekly since I moved here. We spend full days together ignoring the outside world, and then go back to our separate lives as soon as I leave. I know she’s sleeping with other people, and I am too. We do not discuss ever getting back together but I know deep down that I want to. I am seeing another girl Katie, sort of on the side, but the entire time I’m with her I feel guilty because of Jenny. Katie is a total babe, all my friends love her, and I kind of want to move things along, but lingering in the forefront of my mind is ALWAYS FUCKING JENNY.
I’ve drunkenly brought up getting back together to her only to be told that it’s “not the right time in her life” and she needs to “find herself” before she can even consider getting back together with me. I’m 25 years old, feel like I need to settle down, and can’t choose a girl. Do I wait for Jenny’s dumbass to come around and finally be with me, or attempt to move on and get things rolling once and for all with Katie? Or, just continue to fuck them both and wait around for father time to take care of things? I’m afraid if I end things with Jenny and go all in with Katie I’m going to regret leaving her.
My friends are no help and continuously call me a “hollaback boy” because I keep returning to my ex. Fuck that nickname. HELP ME JOHNNY D.
Jesus, man. This is quite the dilemma. And Katie sounds like a catch. But you wouldn’t have sent this question to me unless you were still on the ropes about your ex. And that, my friend, is one of the worst places to be. I’ve been in your shoes before. And I hate to tell you this but it’s not looking good on my end for your girl Jenny.
You like having sex with Jenny because it’s familiar. Look, ex-girlfriend sex is awesome. You guys know each other’s preferences in bed already. You know what she likes, she knows what you like. It’s easy. There isn’t any awkwardness between you (unless you’re talking about getting back together). But you guys broke up for a reason. You conveyed that it was messy, too, which leads me to naively assume that the two of you were fighting a lot. I think you need to take a step back for a minute and weigh your options. An honest evaluation without rose colored glasses on about the two-and-a-half years that the two of you were exclusive. Ask yourself why you guys broke up. Was it something you did or was it her? Did your friends like Jenny? Was there infidelity? Do you like Jenny as a person or do you just like having sex with her? Can you handle the backlash that’s probably going to come your way if you get back together with her? These are all questions that you need to factor in. Waiting around for someone to have feelings for you is not a good idea. And hooking up with an ex ends in one of two ways, almost everytime.
So here’s what I’ll say. I say you sit Jenny down and ask her straight up if she wants to get back together. My prediction? She’s going to get pissed off and tell you she doesn’t want to hook up with you anymore. Right now you’re toeing a very ambiguous line. If you tell her you want to be exclusive she’s probably going to get nervous that you’ve caught feelings and cut off the arrangement you have. If she says “yes, let’s be exclusive” than you’re now in a spot where you need to cut things off with Katie. If it were me? I’d bail. If she’s still singing this tune about “finding herself” (which is so disgustingly cliché I can barely stand typing it) I’d say it’s time to hang up the cleats. Leave her in the dust.
It feels like you’re still pretty hung up on Jenny and she’s not all that into you. Fuck that. You’re not a chump. If she is still giving you these bullshit excuses in a sober setting just get out of that situation. Roll the dice with Katie. She’s new and you said your friends love her. That’s pretty tough to beat. But what the fuck do I know? I’m a jackass. Up to you. .
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jduda@grandex.co
If a girl has to think twice about if she wants to be with you, she doesn’t. And why would you want a girl if she’s not all in? Go with Katie. Please.
Exactly. Never get back with an ex…they tried to do better than you and couldn’t. That’s a misquote of someone, but I can’t recall who.
+1 vote for Katie. A good quote I heard was “when someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.”
100% agree. You’ve already brought it up with Jenny and she’s given multiple excuses so that’s a major sign that (sadly) she may not ever come around/want to go back to an official relationship, even though that’s what you’re hoping for. It seems like everything with Katie is going well, so I’d go with her. Something else to keep in mind is that it takes time to forget someone–hopefully as you hang out more with Katie, you gradually will start thinking about Jenny less and less.
“I’m 25 and regularly banging 2 different girls. For some reason I see a problem with this, even though when I’m 40 I will think back on this time every morning in the shower.”
Your twenties are your selfish years, Johnny. Take it from a man who’s in a long distance relationship and just purchased a fruit basket to bring to his in-laws tomorrow.
I need a drink.
I can make some of my blood for you, if you want. Or you can just drink the wine that I have in case of emergency. Fun fact: the wine used for consecration has a higher alcohol content than typical store bought wine.
Stop down-voting Jesus, for Christ’s sake!
Jesus
You need to talk, man?
Stupid HR always trying to help people talk it out. Let the man get drunk and push his feelings deep down inside and don’t ever let them out. I’m at least 65% kidding.
That’s how I deal with my problems, and I turned out OK. Depending on your definition of OK.
Nothing gives you the scaries quite like a trip to your in-laws who probably hate you. I appreciate everyone’s support. PGP.
I’ll have a marg in your honor tonight man.
Don’t worry about it, that’s how I deal with problems too.
Yes, my son?
I didn’t even read the article yet, but the answer is no
I’m still trying to find myself = I love fucking other dudes. Even if you get back together she’s going to want to fuck other dudes and probably will given the casualness of your current situation. Your best bet is to try things out with Katie. Worst case scenario is it doesn’t work and you just go back to fucking Jenny a few times a month. If while you’re trying things out with Katie Jenny decides to be with someone else, then so be it. Your fucking her isn’t going to change whether or not she meets another guy.
This is where Johnny messes up his advice. Don’t sit Jenny down and talk with her. You could end up by yourself with neither of them to fuck. Proceed as you want with Katie, and just keep Jenny on the side until Katie forces you to have the “talk”.
Then you can hang out with Todd once every other weekend.
“I’m still trying to find myself = I love fucking other dudes.” It truly cant be described any better than this. +2 for Gryffindor
One way to help Jenny find herself so she can be with you is to ask her on a date, take her into a room with a ton of mirrors everywhere but have the lights off. Tell her you’ll brb and then flick the lights on and the problem is solved but then as you both exit the room happily laughing at this unbelievable idea I just gave you, You stub a mirror with your toe, knocking it over and shattering it which gives you bad luck for like 7 years and so you find yourself vulnerable and alone until you’re 32 and by then both girls have already settled and reproduced with shit bags but you’re luck turns around because you get to be the clean up guy when they leave said shit bags for a guy with more money like yourself.
I love it when you do this. Thank you for these comments that brighten my day in the darkest way possible.
I actively scroll for your comments. Thank you, my friend. Thank you.
…..Who…what…are you…..?
It’s not like you were a high school thing, reconnecting after a decade or so and reigniting an old flame. You were in your 20s when you split up. You already knew the more adult versions of each other and it didn’t work out. It’s not like either of you have changed all that much. You’ve got a great girl who’s interested. Cut ties with the ex. If you can’t do that, you don’t deserve the new girl.
If you have to ask, the answer is always no.
Team Katie.
But for real, dude is 25 and in what I can only assume is Over-The-Rhine, because that’s where all 25 year old Cincinnatians live. Walk around the corner and you can find ten girls more attractive and probably more interesting than your ex.
Was going to say the same, except to insert Oakley/HP/Mt. Lookout.
Always roll the dice. Go with Katie.