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There’s a pivotal moment in the bathroom just as you’re about to put your hands underneath the running faucet. It might have been one of those nice automatic Sloan faucets. Maybe you’ve been subjected the kind of faucet where you’re forced to push down like a button and the water only stays on for three seconds.
Whatever the case, you’re searching for the hand soap. And what kind of hand soap you use will determine how good or bad your bathroom experience was. You’ve got to lube your hands up with a bit of water before putting soap on them. Those are the rules. I don’t make them, I just abide by them. It’s kind of like wetting the toothbrush before you put the toothpaste on and then wetting that boy again before beginning to brush. Here, in order from worst to best, is the unofficial power ranking of public bathroom hand soaps.
That Pink Shit
I don’t need to provide pictures to tell you what the hell I’m talking about. This is the worst of the worst. Big Hand Soap made this stuff with 24/7 rest stops in mind and whenever I’m forced to use it I feel dirtier than I did before application. The smell is what I can only describe as institutional and it does not moisturize in any way. I think it actually strips healthy skin away from the hands. I also see it a lot in bowling alleys and airport bathrooms at Laguardia. If you’re put in a position where you’re staring down the barrel of a pink soap dispenser like this –
just go ahead and bust out the pocket Purell. I keep one on my person at all times. We live in a filthy cesspool and germs are all around us. That pink shit isn’t doing you any good.
That Clear Shit
Slightly better than the pink shit, the clear shit usually comes out of a metal pump dispenser that is attached to the sink or countertop. The only reason it gets a higher ranking than the pink soap is because it doesn’t have any artificial coloring and it makes me feel a little bit better. Again, you’ll find this kind of soap in shitty airports and seedy bowling alleys.
This soap will do in a pinch, but I’d still recommend a healthy lathering of Purell after exiting the bathroom. You know the door is gonna have a “Pull” sign on it and as any fan of hand washing knows, this is a death sentence for the cleansing you’ve just done. I don’t understand the thinking behind making people pull a door open to get out of a bathroom as it completely negates the washing of the hands but as I said earlier, we live in a fucking cesspool so what the hell do you expect?
That Foamy Shit
*extremely Drake voice* Okay, now you’re talkin’ my language, now you’re talkin’ my language. Now you’re talkin’ my language, now you’re talkin’ my language. Movie theaters, dental offices, low to mid tier country clubs, and recently renovated airport bathrooms all have some version of the Sloan auto-soap dispenser pictured above.
I love these boys because I don’t have to touch anything. The one downside is probably that they don’t dispense enough of that foamy, delectable goodness in one try so you have to wave your hand at the detector three or four times to really get a nice lather going. The foamy soap makes me feel safe. And I used delectable as a word to describe this stuff because it looks like you could eat it. It looks fucking tasty. Like something I could put on top of a milkshake or creme brulee.
That Good Shit
This is a picture of the setup at a restaurant I ate at last night. The paper towels, the faucets, the honey butter candle burning ever so brightly on the left hand side of the sink – it’s all gorgeous. Take notes, folks. This is how you do a bathroom sink for the public. If you’re ever in Chicago and looking for a good spot to eat, I highly recommend Etta. Great food, great service, and most importantly, fantastic hand soap. As you can see, they’ve got their own soap dispensers here.
Now I’m not exactly sure what kind of soap it was, but I caught a whiff of eucalyptus and mint when I was washing my hands last night. The mint wasn’t overpowering and I left the bathroom with hands that felt clean and moisturized.
I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention the paper towels one more time. I love paper towel. You’ve all read my hand dryer review. You know I like hand dryers. But if I had to choose, I’m going paper towel over any hand dryer all day. Faster dry time and plus I get to shoot the wadded up paper towels into the trash can like Kareem after I’m done. The hand soap pictured above is usually only available at mid to high end restaurants and then of course inside other peoples homes. Count your blessings if you get to use a bathroom out in the wild with hand soap like this..
Image via Unsplash