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Earlier today, I reported on the yuppie scum apartment building that has its own lounge where its tenants can wait for their Ubers. On the scale of douchiness, it hovers somewhere around a five or six. It’s unnecessary and lame, but it’s not that over-the-top. It’s just a room with televisions and couches where drunk girls can hang out before asking their Uber driver to turn “Closer” by The Chainsmokers up.
The beauty of the internet is that once you put something out in the wild, the opinions start coming in. Luckily for us, one commenter pointed out an apartment building in Los Angeles that trumps all of the douchiness of the building in Washington DC. It’s a 283-unit building is scheduled to open in January on the border of Century City and Beverly Hills, and its amenities aren’t even gaudy. They’re just downright unnecessary. Bloomberg did an entire exposé on this metropolis of douchiness, and they spared no details of just how absurd it is.
The building (Ten Thousand, its called), boasts the following: rents as much as $40,000-per-month, a chauffeur-driven Rolls-Royce, in-house Botox, brewed-to-order lattes, walking distance from Santa Monica Boulevard (you know, the one Sheryl Crow sang about) and Rodeo Drive (you know, the one from D2: The Mighty Ducks), boardrooms, dog walkers, grocery grabbers, a team of four butlers, a “wellness” studio, indoor pool with underwater speakers, and a one-acre park complete with a kitchen, dog-run lawn, 84-inch television, and fire pit. Because everyone knows that only the best parks have kitchens and televisions in them.
And they don’t stop there. They also have a system that syncs with iPhones and iPads (no Android devices allowed, probably) that predict when staffers need to fetch the tenants’ vehicles or start making their coffees. They’ll even surprise the tenants with birthday cakes based on their calendars, because if you’re paying $10,000+ in rent, you best be eating cake by the lap pool.
If you’re reading this and thinking to yourself, “Fuck, I need to live here,” you’re shit out of luck because there’s already a waitlist. Looks like you’ll have to slum it in your currently luxury apartment until further notice. Peasants.
[via Bloomberg]
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
What the fuck, Will? You can’t just give out my address like this.
Hey
Hey ma
what’s up
Probably the only one who was hearing the Cam’Ron song playing in my head after reading Hey ma
You’re not. Every self respecting person likes to get drunk and grind to that classic.
Sup?
Don’t swing that way, bruh
If you can afford $40k/month, you can’t blame a dude for trying.
No doubt, I respect it. Everyone has to get their’s. But if I can afford $40k/month, I can pick and choose.
We swing the same way, Employed and Depressed. PGP.
If they don’t offer Merlot Miatas as a sign up gift I see no reason to even entertain the idea of trying to live there.
For $40k a month, there better be a super nice drug room with cathedral ceilings and surround sound for the Hendrix albums while having the walls littered with contemporary art pieces and defibrillators. Also, there should be a hot tub that doubles into a lap pool that retracts from the floor except it’s filled with reversed osmosis purified water from Yosemite. And there isn’t a Bengal Tiger petting zoo adjacent to the elevated kitchen then in taking my business elsewhere.
Hey Farva what’s the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?
Shenanigans!?
Ooooooooooooooo
Don’t forget the best part: as a resident, you’ll be only 2 miles from the Playboy mansion.
I think you should have been more properly cited. Hell, 2 hrs of PGP “fame” would have been the best part of my day.
Agreed. Come on, deFries. I give you invaluable content and you just refer to me as “one commentor?”
My bad, man. I owe you one.
I think Hugh put the mansion up for sale, didn’t he?
I think so but it’s still the mansion as of now as far as I know.
Co-founder of Twinkies bought it yesterday. Going to let Hef live there until he dies, not sure what’ll happen after.
Of course it was the co-founder of Twinkies that bought it. Why does that not surprise me?
It’s a good douche litmus test I guess. If someone lives at this building, you have a good idea of what you’re in for in dealing with this person.
I can’t help but think of Johnny Drama correcting Saigon’s mom when they’re talking about Rodeo Drive
“South of Jefferson it’s Rodeo”
Maybe I’m just a simple-minded girl from the sticks in Texas, but I can’t imagine why anyone would need a majority of the amenities offered by this apartment complex.
Have you ever been to LA?
I haven’t which is probably why I have no frame of reference about these luxurious amenities.
Nor the type of obnoxious douchebags that would pay for them.
Gotta love LA.
Under water speakers? Are they catering to fucking Aqua Man?
Stayed at a spa/resort that had this, beyond douchy but tbh absolutely something I’d do if I won the lottery, floating while tipsy on wine while listening to underwater Enya was pretty fucking amazing.
Still need a visa nomad? Sup?
Dang, my apartment would do my laundry if I dropped it off with detergent. Never did it though, would rather not have people I hand my rent check to deal with my gym clothes and unmentionables. I just got married and moved into my husbands house, I don’t miss rent!