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Being engaged can be a fantastic thing. Not just because that means you’re getting ready to spend the rest of your life with your “soul mate” and start sharing a bank account, but because engaged people get a shitload of cool stuff. What with the parties, presents, and checks, being engaged is basically the dream come true. However, being a fiancé entails a fuck ton of responsibilities in which the excitement of it all can potentially be lost every now and then. Your lady practically goes batshit insane planning her (your dreams are irrelevant) picture-perfect wedding. She often sounds something like:
Luke! Logan! You piece of shit, what’s your name? Come here! Do you like the rose napkins or the blush napkins for the wedding??? I think we should have a chocolate waterfall, but instead of chocolate, we should do bridesmaids’ tears. What should our theme be? *sob* I know what the theme should be…your sister’s a bitch. That’s what the theme should be.
And you have no choice but to give your improvised input because:
1. The nagging is unbearable, and
2. you will look like a total slapdick if you don’t respond to her.
So, basically, you put a big, fat rock on her finger just to spend the next year with a shitstorm of a woman. Lucky you.
This whole concept of being engaged adds too much pressure on couples nowadays. You have to have everything perfected to the core, from the groomsmen’ ties to the first dance song to her reminders of when to cry. And not to mention, she insists it needs to be more Instagram-worthy than her frenemy Riley’s wedding. Adding engagement stress to your every day mediocre life is like riding a relationship roller coaster that you can’t get off. Sometimes you’re happy and naked and getting hot and sweaty all the time, and other times she won’t let you touch her because she hasn’t lost enough weight just yet and feels like a fat bride.
So, why don’t we ever give credit to that euphoric stage in a relationship that occurs prior to getting engaged? You know the one. The “pre-engagement.” It’s when you are considered to be in more than just a serious relationship, but less than an engagement. You become, in a sense, a “pre-ancé.” It’s when all of your buddies joke about how the two of you are going to get married and your girl just looks at you with that face that says, “yeah, we’re cute, but where the fuck is the diamond?”
From the day a girl sees that her boyfriend changes his profile picture to a photo of the two of them together, it’s on. Her heart is pounding. Adrenaline starts rushing. She begins planning the entire wedding on Pinterest. She plans the flowers, the cake, even her boyfriend’s fucking funeral.
And just so you know, we don’t pin when our pre-ancés are looking. Hell no. If you saw what we pin, you wouldn’t be with us. We do it under the cloak of night to ensure our boyfriends won’t think we are five-star clingers and will still want to marry us. All of our dignity and hopes to get engaged would be lost if our boyfriends found our Pinterest boards or even what we really text about you to our girlfriends. So, instead of flat-out shoving her Pinterest board in your face, your unengaged girlfriend will eventually, if she hasn’t already, throw out subtle-but-not-too-subtle hints for how she wants you to propose with a three-carat Tiffany ring at Christmastime.
Pre-engagements are all about hopeful wishing for your girl. It’s all of the excitement of being engaged minus the pressure of doing the actual planning and getting cold feet. This stage is when you talk to each other as if anything is possible. You talk about how you plan on becoming a CEO of some dipshit company. Your girlfriend talks about what she will wear when she is a “cool mom” on a cool moms night out. Pre-engagements consist of Googling houses for sale in potential places you might want to spend your lives together. You might even envision how you will split the cooking and cleaning when you are married. That’s deep stuff.
A major bonus of being in a pre-engagement is that by the time you do get engaged, you will already have things semi-planned out. You know each other’s credit score, so budget won’t come as a surprise. You know that the both of you want an outdoor wedding on the lake in a town nearby, so all that you will have to do is call a vendor in that area. You know pasta makes the bride bloat, and there’s nothing worse than wedding dress bloat, so that’s one less food item to include on the big day. Basically, it’s all of the fun of being engaged without the stress.
But while having a pre-ancé is cool and all, not proposing will eventually get old. So boys, if it’s been a good amount of time and you still haven’t asked her to be your wife, cut the shit. There’s a Tiffany’s at pretty much every mall. Just hit up one, grab a princess cut, and pop the question. Spend the rest of your life with your lady and let her max out your credit card. It’s what a real gentleman would do..