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Being an adult is stressful. From being responsible to my own finances, livelihood, and future, things can get nerve-wracking. There is a myriad of situations where I can make a fool of yourself, ruin my life, or, even worse, have to ask my parents for help. As I grow older, however, I’ve noticed that my fears mature with me. Gone are the days where being rejected by a possible prom date gave me night terrors. I’m a grownup now. These fears are much more refined and important.
Blacking out at a company event.
“But wait,” you’re asking me. “Didn’t you do this a month ago at your work summer party?” Yes. Yes, I did. And let me tell you that it was terrifying. My work is extremely chill. We have a bar in our office, and we’re no strangers to getting rowdy. I’ve heard stories of one of my bosses drunkenly passing out in the office only to be awoken by the cleaning crew. The last time our director flew in from the Denver office, he tossed weed gummies out to us like some kind of dank Santa. You could say it’s a pretty laid-back place of employment.
However, that did not change the fact that when I woke up the morning after our work party, unable to remember anything from the last two hours of the open bar, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. No matter how cool my office is, the fact that I was extremely intoxicated while interacting with all my bosses is straight up terrifying. I was so on edge all weekend that I didn’t touch alcohol again until ten days later. 0/10. Would not recommend. It may happen again at the holiday party.
Any minor injury.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I just…don’t get better from injuries. I mean, I get better, but I basically never reach 100% again. I have a bad knee, a bad shoulder and a bad new, surgically repaired hip, and I’ve accepted that none of them will ever be fully capable again. I know that if I sprain my ankle playing volleyball, that ankle will probably bug me for the rest of my life. If I break a bone playing flag football, my dreams of being an NFL player being mildly athletic in my 50s are dashed. Basically, I’ve reached the age where my athleticism is starting to fade, and the last thing I want to do is speed that up with a stupid injury.
Having a video of me go viral.
If you had asked me five years ago if I wanted a video of me to go viral, I would have jumped at the opportunity. But 21-year-old me was naïve, dumb, and frankly, still cool. I wish I could say the same of adult me. Nowadays I know that any video of me that would get shared by the internet wouldn’t be for anything I’m proud of. It would probably show me drunkenly falling over, losing a fight, or my worst nightmare – being depicted as a racist. I’m not a racist, and I certainly don’t think I do or say racist things, but the way the internet shares things, with no context or fact-checking, who knows what could happen.
Also, I have a girlfriend, so all the possible positive outcome of me going viral (Gal Gadot seeing me and realizing that we should make adorable Israeli babies together) are nonexistent. My attitude on being internet famous has officially shifted from “my dream” to “something that would ruin my life.” That being said, feel free to follow me on Twitter.
Bed bugs.
Several days ago I was awoken to something repeatedly biting my face while I attempted to drag my brain out of REM sleep. Fast forward to 60 seconds later and I was frantically pulling my sheets off my bed, googling “signs of bed bugs,” and squinting in the harsh light of my lamp to see if my non-adjusted eyes could spy any signs of these apartment-destroying pests.
Luckily, it turned out to be a false alarm (I found out when the world’s fattest mosquito buzzed past my face, full of my blood), but nonetheless, it scared the shit out of me. Everything I’ve heard about bed bugs makes me terrified of them. They’re impossible to kill, they infest your whole apartment, and you have to sleep slathered in Vaseline to protect yourself. Fuck that. Fuck all of that. I’d rather eat my security deposit, toss all my furniture in the trash, and start new somewhere else than deal with sleeping in a nasty Vaseline bed. Bed bugs would decimate me mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially. As an adult, I can’t deal with that.
Getting someone pregnant.
Even though I’d like to think I’ve matured since I was 14, apparently my greatest fear has not. In fact, if anything, it’s gotten worse. If I knocked a girl up in high school or college, I had a pretty good chance of that girl agreeing we weren’t ready to be parents. But now? I’m 26, in a committed relationship, and with a stable job. Am I ready to be a parent? Fuck no. But will it be a lot harder to sell to my girlfriend? Fuck yes.
The idea of raising another human and being committed to being a parent for the rest of my life is still pants-shittingly scary. Sure, I like to say I’m an adult, but we all know that’s not actually true. The last pet I’ve had was a Betta fish I kept in an old Bacardi bottle. The last time I was asked to hold a baby I played up my shoulder injury as an excuse (I guess that’s one upside). As I’m typing this, I just remembered that I have succulent that I was supposed to water three weeks ago. I am nowhere near ready to have a child, and the very thought is paralyzing.
Sure, being an adult is freeing and exciting, but I can’t help but reminisce about a time when my biggest fear was something like my parents seeing search history. Actually, scratch that. That’s still my biggest fear. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Live long enough to see yourself become a meme.
The funny thing about the kid thing is those of us who are the most capable of taking care of a kid are the least likely to actually want them right now (and vice-versa.)
And when we do want them, it may be too late for us to have them. Meanwhile, everyone who shouldn’t be having kids is having dozens of them, leading to an IQ degeneration of the human race. Idiocracy started out as fiction, but it’s turning into a documentary.
People may laugh at this but it’s true. The folks who are the least intellectually and economically able are the ones who are having the most of kids.
“Hey, you know what’ll make this government housing feel even cozier? A few extra babies crawling around.”
“Don’t worry, it’s for your benefit. It’ll give us a better handle on the situation so we can guide everyone in the right direction.”
We are actually a rather responsible group. Since we are all college educated it means we all have debt and everyone I’ve talked to wants to get a better handle on finances before the investment that is a baby.
I don’t think there will ever be a time in my life where my biggest fear isn’t getting pregnant
Menopause?
That’s the champagne of victory.
-Getting into a debilitating accident
-Finding out I have some type of cancer
-Marrying the wrong person/never finding the right person
-Getting laid off
-Never feeling fulfilled professionally
Adulthood is fun.
having been laid off and had cancer…it all gets better after! 🙂 here I am…working at my dream firm
Being a human fucking sucks, I’d rather be a dog honestly
That’s depressing.
Had bed bugs in college. 100% the nightmare you’d expect. Also when they bite you, their saliva acts as a mild anesthetic so you can’t even feel it when it’s happening.
Those tricky bastards.
I had bed bugs for two months when I moved into my first apartment and my landlord didn’t do anything but spray herself. Finally called an exterminator to come and take care of it. I still have scars left from the bites on my legs and back…makes me uncomfortable to wear a sundress…
I had bed bugs twice. First time my sis brought them home from college and I suffered, next time was in Spain while studying abroad; the paranoia after finding out you have them causes the woooorrrsssttttt sleep
Our exterminator told us to isolate our beds to cut off their blood source and after doing that I would wake up in the middle of the night to find them crawling on the ceiling/ dropping off trying to get to me. It’s been 8 years and I still check my sheets every night.
I’ve had bed bugs twice, both times post-grad while traveling. It’s miserable, and I basically had to burn everything I had on both those trips.
I have an irrational fear of making a typo in my out of office message and not being able to change it while I’m out of office
You remember to set your out of office? Impressive.
I have reoccurring nightmares about going to jail. Not because I would get my ass kicked or because I would drop the soap, but because it would definitely fuck up my job prospects and kill my credit
I’ve had a video of me go viral. It was not flattering. It haunts me to this day.
Well now you have to provide a link.
One of my biggest adult fears is car trouble. For whatever reason, I cannot handle it. If I get a flat tire, I am in a puddle on the floor sobbing to Triple-A.
I’m a firm believer that you should have to change a flat tire as part of your driving test.
I totally agree. But for me, it’s never just a flat. It always ends up being a flat + XYZ also needing to be repaired, despite regular maintenance. It stresses me out.
The constant fear of being fired is the only thing that keeps me motivated at work.