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Rent best-selling comedy, Random Tropical Paradise, on iTunes now.
Before I give any more details, I’ll just answer all the questions I know you have from reading the title. Yes, I knew she had a fiancé when we hooked up. This girl, who we’ll call Ashley for anonymity’s sake, has had this fiancé for as long as I’ve known her. We’ve been good friends for over a year, and she got engaged fresh out of college and is nearing the end of her two-year-long engagement.
No, I don’t know her fiancé. We’ve met a couple of times, briefly, at parties, but nothing past a casual head nod and involvement in some drinking games. Do I feel bad about said hookup? No. I’m not the first person this girl has cheated with, and it hasn’t caused any issues within our friendship. I didn’t actively pursue Ashley, and I’m not the one who cheated. If the guy were my friend, or even acquaintance, I would never have done it, but he’s not. He’s just some random dude with a shitty fiancé. I believe cheating is wrong, but being an accessory is a case-by-case basis. In this case, the cheating would have (and has) occurred with or without me, so my involvement was not paramount to the relationship’s infidelity.
Why is the wedding still happening? There is probably a more complex answer that has to do with both party’s emotional maturity, outside pressures, innermost thoughts, and personal feelings. However, from what I can tell, it’s because a) the soon-to-be-groom doesn’t know about cheating, and b) both of them have been together too long and feel trapped. As for why I’m attending this wedding, it’s because I’m good friends with the bride. Many of you are probably wondering how I could be friends with someone like that, and the answer is because I’m not dating her. Her and I get along, like to hang out, and enjoy each other’s company in a non-romantic way. That’s what friendship is. As horrible of a girlfriend as she is, she’s a good friend, and that’s all that matters to me. Would I date her? Not in a million years.
However, going to her wedding raises a whole host of other thoughts and concerns, and I feel the need to list them out.
Do I need to get a gift?
Let’s be honest, this marriage is going to last six months, tops. The happy couple hasn’t lived in the same city since high school, let alone shared an apartment before. Cohabitation troubles alone would put the over/under of this marriage failing at about eight months, and they have way bigger problems than that. It just seems like a waste of time to drop $100 on a blender or whatever for a marriage that is going to be shorter than an NHL season. What happens in that instance? Do I get the blender back? Do they refund me? Can I just give them an IOU for a blender if they make it to their first anniversary?
Which cheating-related song should I bribe the DJ to play?
Do I go with a classic, like “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye? Maybe I should go country with Shania Twain’s “Who’s Bed Have Your Boots Been Under.” Ideally it would be something that everyone starts dancing to, only to slowly realize they’re getting down to a song about adultery and starts stealing looks at the happy couple. I would, of course not play this before 11 p.m., so everyone can get good and hammered and only a select few realize what’s happening. Actually, scratch this question. I’m requesting “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy. Case closed.
How should I say I know the bride?
In between slamming top shelf scotch at one of the three open bars and tearing up the dance floor with the worst moves seen this side of the Mississippi, at some point I’ll have to talk to people. Relatives, old friends, and friends of the groom will probably make small talk at some point, and ask the common question, “So, how do you know Ashley?” Do I keep my cards close and respond guardedly with “we met through mutual acquaintances and became friends?” Do I flirt with danger and go vague but true, like “we bonded over mutual interests and shared those interests together?” Hell, if the bar doesn’t cut me off soon enough, I may pass into my “under oath” level of drunk, and actually be honest.
“We bonded over our love of tequila shots and shitty 5 a.m. bars. Those same loves are what once caused us to have sloppy drunk sex, which neither of us can really remember. So you’re the groom’s mom, right? Congratulations!”
What’s my move in the event that the groom finds out and tries to kill me?
This is unlikely, but still a pressing worry in my mind. We’ll be in rural Wisconsin, and I’ll be deeply outnumbered. He’ll have his entire wedding party, friends, cousins, and dad all after me, and I have the feeling my girlfriend will whisper “you deserved this” in my ear as she ditches me. Do I try and topple the cake to cause a distraction? Should I come strapped with a gun in my tuxedo waistband? Should I stay near the exits at all times? If I’m making a run for it, do I stop to grab a party favor on the way out? It seems unfair that everyone else would get one except me.
No matter what, this is going to be interesting. .
The story of the shitshow that ensues after one man’s wedding derails when he finds out his wife has been cheating on him, Random Tropical Paradise is available to buy and rent on iTunes.