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Predictably, as a Jewish male, my mother and I are pretty close. We talk on the phone several times a week and always have the same conversation. She asks me about how school is going (I doubt my career path every day), how I like my job (not a lot, but more than I like being homeless), and what my weekend plans are (I just lie to her about this one). After we go through that charade, our talks almost always revolve around relationships. I’m almost too honest with her about my dating life, and as such have had to explain many dating terms to her that have caused her to lose faith in my generation as a whole. My wonderful mother’s reactions to these horrible terms are in italics.
1. Ghosting
Use it in a sentence: “We had only been seeing each other for a month, so I didn’t feel the need to have an official breakup. I just ghosted her.”
So this is just disappearing into thin air and not even giving a reason? This seems just…just so mean. Why wouldn’t you take the two minutes to call or even send them one of those texts? People need closure, and they could have feelings even after just a few weeks. Do you change your phone number too to stop them from reaching out to you? What happens if you run into each other? It seems so messy.
2. Benching
Use it in a sentence: “I benched her because I’m not very interested, but if things go south with the girl I am seeing, I want to have a backup plan.”
I don’t understand. Why would you continue to date someone you don’t have interest in? What do you mean you don’t date them? You just occasionally talk to them on the phone, but never meet up? That seems like a lot of work for no reason. Isn’t the point of dating to meet someone you would want to marry? If you’re not interested in them, don’t keep them on the hook. Move on; it’s better for both of you.
3. Friends with benefits
Use it in a sentence: “We’re friends who also hook up with each other. Friends…with benefits.”
You can’t be friends and have sex with each other. People don’t work that way. Especially girls. I’m sure they have feelings for the guy and are just pretending not to so they don’t lose him. This will end in a ruined friendship. What are these poor girls getting themselves into nowadays? Nick you better be respectful girls’ feelings like I raised you to be or I’m going to be very disappointed! Don’t pick sex over a good friend. It’s not worth it.
4. Talking
Use it in a sentence: “We’ve been talking for a few weeks, but we’re not exclusive or anything yet.”
Oh I hate this phrase! It just makes no sense! Everyone’s talking; you and I are talking right now. Why does your generation have to make everything so confusing? If you’re dating someone just say you’re dating them! Are you going on dates with them? Do you like them? You’re not just “hooking up” like you call it? Then you’re dating. Not talking. End of story.
5. Roster
Use it in a sentence: “I just started hooking up with a new girl, so I added her to my roster. I’ll put her in rotation for Thursday nights.”
Well that’s just disgusting. You’re using condoms right? Do you know how many people have STDs? I want to be a grandmother, but not for another few years at least! You need to be careful and take care of yourself; you know how easily you get sick. And I’m not a prude you know! I was a hippie in the seventies, and we invented free love (not a phrase I ever wanted to hear from my mom). Your generation just seems so careless with sex. It doesn’t always have to mean something, but it’s better when it does. Does your father need to send you money for condoms?
6. Cuffing season
Use it in a sentence: “As soon as the weather dips below fifty, you know it’s cuffing season. Gotta get a cuddle buddy to survive the winter.”
Aw that’s a sweet one. I’m glad these aren’t all horrible. Everyone just wants someone to cuddle with when it’s cold outside. You never seem to do that though. Is this why you were the only single one at your New Years Eve party? You should time your relationships better. People used to do this when I was younger too; I think it’s just human nature.
7. Slow fade
Use it in a sentence: “ I started to get bored with the girl I was seeing so I just slow faded away. We just started hanging out less and less until we stopped.”
That’s just called being distant; it’s nothing new. If the person is important to you and you care about her, you should fight for her. If she’s not, well, sometimes people just get bored with each other after the honeymoon phase. In my day, this is how things would end most of the time if it didn’t get too serious. It was harder to get in contact with people without all the Internet and cell phones we have today, so you had to really try to see someone. And if you didn’t, it just stopped happening on its own.
8. Thirsty
Use it in a sentence: “That girl at the bar was so thirsty, she was trying to get with every guy that walked in.”
Honey, that’s not a nice way to talk about girls. Guys and girls both get desperate at times; it’s normal. The key is to not let people know if you are desperate. It scared them off and makes it harder to meet someone. Everyone should have standards for themselves and not settle just because they “need to get laid.” Speaking of thirsty, I could use another glass of wine after this conversation. Let me know how the column turns out; I’m so proud of you for writing on the Internet!
Well, I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know. Our generation is made up of a bunch on narcissistic assholes, and my mother is a saint. I bet she won’t ask me about my love life for the next few phone calls though..
Image via Shutterstock
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Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
In honor of the occasion I would love to see a father’s response to these as well
I read your mother’s comments in Kyle Broflovski’s mom’s voice.
What what what?!?
“You know how easily you get sick.” Classic.
Jesus Christ. This is why I haven’t introduced my mom to any of my girlfriends or hookups since college. What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.
You’re a disgrace to your mother. Don’t use my name when you disgrace your mother.
You’re pretty judgmental for someone who hung out with whores, Jesus.
Are you calling me a whore?!
Ever heard of Mary Magdalene? You’re a terrible novelty account.
You calling my mom a whore?
You do realize that the Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalene are not the same person, right? If you’re going to pretend to be Jesus, it least make it accurate and funny.
You do know Jesus hung out with his Mom right? Also, there’s no account of Mary M being a whore- she’s just associated as one.
Do you not hang out with your mom? You’re a disgrace.
Haha, I like your mom!
Your mom is a nice lady. 😉
“Isn’t the point of dating to meet someone you would want to marry?”
Oh, moms. So sweet and well intentioned, but so naïve.
“Every saint has a past; every sinner has a future.” So by calling your mother a saint, you are effectively reinforcing the ‘free love’ sentiment that she shared with us all. *lqtm*
I honestly never used roster that way. I always used it to mean the list of people you’ve had sex with. I.E.:
“She seems like a good girl, so I was surprised to find out her roster is in the double digits.”