My Girlfriend Does Not Have A Crush On Dillon Cheverere

My Girlfriend Does Not Have A Crush On Dillon Cheverere

Read last week’s My Girlfriend has a Crush on Will deFries that he stole from me and repackaged as his own

I would say that my girlfriend has good taste in men; I mean, she’s dating me, so clearly I agree with her. (Also, I have to always agree with her, but that’s a little besides the point.) But seeing as she’s still in undergrad, there’s clearly no way that just one, old postgrad can satiate her desire to go out to late night parties, eat spicy foods, and watch The Bachelor on Monday after watching The Bachelor at 20 the night before. So instead of trying to be more of a man than I can be, I acknowledge the fact that she peruses the menu.

We’ve already established the fact that she has a crush on Will, but let’s be honest: we all do. We were both kicking ourselves for not applying to be in his brunch crew, although her inability to handle alcohol may have already disqualified her (sidenote: Will, I’m still available). He’s a mildly successful dude, living in a part of the country that is much better than here up north, and he really doesn’t do all that much work, yet still gets paid to go to hit on servers at Hooters. In addition to Will/Chill, I’ve noticed that she becomes a little flushed when talking about George Clooney (classic salt-n-pepper), her anthro professor (proclaimed DILF), this dude I work with who’s from Texas (great dude but is somehow against wearing Hawaiian shirts), and Justin Bieber. I know she’ll get judgement about the last one, but 1) she’s still in college, and 2) we’ve all seen his schlong, so I’ll let it slide.

However, there is one person who she has absolutely no warm spot for: Dillon Cheverere. Don’t get me wrong, she thinks he’s an attractive, southern gentleman. She’s already dating a dude with a sod farm on top of his head (please, I need more people to tell me how my left arm is bent), so we know she probably digs his hair (who doesn’t, if we’re being honest). He comes from Texas, so he’s even got a leg up on Will and I in that regard. While I don’t know him, it appears he has one of those cool-dude IDGAF attitudes (how else could he explain this outfit  – also, beard-less, non-vacation Chill deBreeze is obviously the MVP of this insta post).  But why doesn’t she like him? I’ve asked her this question, and, time and time again, I can only get one response out of her: “He just looks like a fucking douchebag.”

Even though I generally only agree with her because I’m afraid she’ll go all Gone Girl on me if I don’t, I would be lying if I said I didn’t kinda agree with her. I mean, come on, he flexes for little children (I was going to make a comment about how that little girl is looking at him, but decided against it). If Will is Tim Riggins, Dillon is the Swede. If Will is Jim Halpert, Dillon is Todd Packer. If Will is Ron Swanson, Dillon is Ron Dunn. If Will is chocolate chip, Dillon is oatmeal raisin (if you like oatmeal raisin, you’re the same type of person that defends Blair Walsh).

So when I told my girlfriend that I was writing this column, she said something along the lines of “OMG, I have so many tweets that you can use and don’t forget to tell Chill that I really like spring proposals and my family has a great ranch in West Texas for wedding receptions” (I may have embellished a bit). So while I sat there thinking about the amount of cash that Chill is going to have to drop on her, she emailed a pretty comprehensive list of why she doesn’t have a crush on Dillon.

She doesn’t have a crush on Dillon because he has a tattoo of a male-only organ on his ankle.

She doesn’t have a crush on Dillon because you can’t respect a man who doesn’t respect his own asshole.

She doesn’t have a crush on Dillon because he says it’s possible to drink too much red wine, when PGP has already proved him wrong.

She doesn’t have a crush on Dillon because “his face. That is all.”

She doesn’t have a crush on Dillon because he clearly can’t dunk with his chicken legs (Author’s note: he also can’t drive the ball 355 yards).

She doesn’t have a crush on Dillon because he STILL thinks it’s possible to drink too much wine.

She doesn’t have a crush on Dillon because “only #poors use Apple Music”; get in the 21st century and get Spotify Premium, you neanderthal.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m sure that Dillon is a perfectly mediocre type of individual. I’ve been a devoted follower since the beginning days of TFM, and I was an original reader of PGP, and Dillon has done zero work for the last 5 years probably been instrumental in keeping this operation going. But we all know that he’s the kind of guy that we could all go out to bars with on a Saturday and then not invite him to brunch the morning after because we know he would go too hard on mimosas and end up trying to take the waitress home; I respect the hustle, but do think Tom Brady throws tight spirals when he’s playing catch with his kids? (Actually, probably yes). But personally, I’m glad that she is more into Will than Dillon, since Will doesn’t have anywhere close to the cajones to actually steal an undergrad. Also, PS, Will, she’s likes rings like this one.

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