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I was raised on the dairy, bitch.
Milk is a staple in my fridge. I’m always rocking two gallons, 24/7. Now that I’ve grown older, I’ve had to taper my consumption of the delicious cow nectar and move on to coffee, herbal tea, and organic grapefruit juice. I still find myself craving that tall, ice-cold glass of milk every morning, though.
So, which kind of milk is the best? It’s an age-old argument. Some people don’t even like milk, and those people are monsters. Milk is one of the healthiest (when consumed in moderation) fluids on this earth. There’s a reason they feed it to baby cows. It’s because it turns them into delicious, steak-yielding behemoths.
This milk will always be our milk.
1. Two Percent
Two percent is the undisputed champ of milk: thick, sweet, delicious. It’s like you’re drinking muscles into your body. Of course, it isn’t the healthiest option when it comes to the white wonder, but dammit, if you want to enjoy your milk drinking experience, two percent is the way to go.
2. One Percent
One percent is a close second to two percent. It’s the healthiest option of all the milks. It’s not as rich as two percent, but it’s still enough to get the job done. Mmmmm.
3. Chocolate
When you don’t want to endure the embarrassment of ordering an 800-calorie milkshake, this will do.
4. Vitamin D Whole
If you’ve ever wondered what drinking cold glue is like, try a glass of whole milk. Still wonderful.
5. Eggnog
Toss some rum or whiskey in it and this might climb the charts. Maybe it doesn’t truly qualify as “milk,” but it’s still a staple of the holiday season. It’s a real treat.
6. Strawberry
Same thing as chocolate milk, but with a vague, fruity taste!
7. Condensed Milk
The primary ingredient of cheesecake. Who doesn’t like cheesecake?
8. Buttermilk
Shit. Now I’m just reaching.
9. Goat Milk
10. Human Breast Milk
11. Cottage Cheese
12. Spoiled, Chunky Milk
13. Skim Milk
“Skim milk…is water that’s lying about being milk.” -Ron Swanson
Skim milk is among the most disgusting, vile, immoral substances on the face of the earth. This shit is simply that: shit. To water down milk this much is a crime. If you really want to cut calories that badly, then cut out milk entirely. You’re bringing the rest of us down. I will smite down skim milk from my mighty milk throne and burn down your house of lies. I take my milk with max fat and max flavor..
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Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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Almond Milk. PGP
I think I’d only add “Milk of the Poppy” and “Getting Hit by a Japanese Train” before skim.
Milk of the poppy would be at the top. Fucking opium in a milkshake? Sign me up.
This list seems to be the product of an adderall overdose
Three cups of coffee before noon..gif)
I think Bloodsport is on HBO go right now. Might have to pull that up tonight.
It’s the best bad movie of all time.
Really unfortunate that Frank Dux’s true story angle has been all but blown apart. Like, he’s an absolute fraud. He was busted walking out of a local trophy store with his “kumite” trophy.
Three? What are you an amateur? I have three cups by 9:00.
Everything I do in life is half assed, except for the cow-titty-nectar. Whole milk or GTFO.
All milk is dangerous. On account of me being Lactose Intolerant and such.
I prefer whole milk over everything else. As a counterpoint to your assessment of vitamin D milk as “cold glue”, I can’t hardly drink 2% or lower because it tastes almost skim. To each their own, unless you like drinking skim, which many believe is Satan’s beverage of choice.
I think even milk alternatives rank higher than skim milk
How did Silk not make the list? The Vanilla almond milk is damn right delicious with chocolate protein powder, honey, and cinnamon. Best tasting protein shake ever.
I’m sorry, I thought dominating another mammal species was just goddamn American.
They don’t add water to the milk to make it skim, they just take the fat out. (That’s why it’s called “skim”)
I’ve never laughed at so many milk related adjective and puns. Kudos on “Cold Glue”