Mondays can be tough. That’s why every Monday from now until you die, I’ll be doing the Manic Monday Mailbag to keep us both entertained. You can submit your questions by clicking “Mailbag” on our submission form, or emailing email@example.com. Be sure to include your first name, city, state and Twitter handle if you’d like that information included.
Q: I want to quit my job and try to be a professional golfer. I shoot in the mid 90s now. Am I stupid for thinking this is a good idea? I don’t want to be the best. I just want to be average and clear at least 60k in profit. What do you think?
You should totally quit your job and chase that ludicrous dream. Pffffft. There are a few glaring issues here, Craig. First off, you are a wildly mediocre golfer. I’ll shoot in the mid 90s on occasion, and I’m fucking terrible. Who put it in your head that there is even a remote possibility of you becoming a professional golfer? I would say you could work really, really hard for countless hours, day after day, year after year, and maybe in several lifetimes be good enough to compete professionally, but by admitting that you don’t even want to be the best, you’ve admitted that you don’t have the drive or ambition it takes to become even the worst golfer on the tour. Don’t quit your day job, Craig. The last thing this country needs is another lazy turd half-assing a job he’s no good at.
Q: I enjoy pooping on the job. Who doesn’t? I aim for 2.5 poops a day at about 15-20 minutes a poop. Not too long, not too short. I’ve been at my current job for a few months now, and have recently run into a dilemma. There is a person in my office, I like to call him “The Stall Warrior,” that poops longer than me every time. This guy has to spend at least 2 hours a day on the crapper. Nearly every time I am pooping, I see this guy’s shoes in the next stall. I like to think of myself as a pooping aficionado, and one that does not back down from a challenge, so anytime someone is pooping next to me I always try to be the last person to leave the bathroom. It’s a battle of who can make the most money during a poop. I’ve tried multiple times to outlast The Stall Warrior, but it never works. I even sat on the toilet for 30 minutes the other day even though I was finished after 5. Should I continue accepting defeat to The Stall Warrior, or should I man up and win the battle of the longest poop regardless of how long it takes?
—Robert in Dallas, TX
You’re simply being outplayed, Bob. There’s no excuse for losing like this. You get your ass in there, drop your pants, pull up Candy Crush on your phone and sit there for as long as it takes to become a champion. The Stall Warrior should be terrified every time he enters the restroom and sees your khakis draped over your shoes, which should be every single time because you have no reason to ever leave that fucking stall. You should be sitting in there from 7:00am to 6:00pm. He should be driven mad with frustration to the point that he screams, “Who are you? Show yourself, you son of a bitch! WHO ARE YOU?!?!” Never give up, Bob. Never give in.
Q: I’m currently working part time at this company. It’s not a glamorous job by any means. In fact, the customers I deal with as well as the people I work with make me want to gouge my eyes out (#PGP), but overall it’s a decently bearable way to make some good money. The thing is that I’m a greedy postgrad and I want MORE money, but a little birdie (one of the VPs) told me that raises are being denied since the company can’t afford it. Therefore, my only option to earn some extra coin is to increase the number of hours I work each week. But remember that part where I said my customers and coworkers make me want to inflict physical violence upon my person? I can’t decide what I value more: my sweet, sweet freedom or cold hard cash. HELP!
What you’re describing is a balancing act that every postgrad struggles with. You have to put your sweet freedom on one side of the scale, cold hard cash on the other side, and find a balance that doesn’t result in you hurling yourself from the roof of a parking garage. The sad truth is that most people don’t like their jobs, but you have to find a way to endure. Just be glad that you’re one of the few people making what you think is good money, and suck it up. It’s part time, you big baby. Also, that VP is probably lying. They’re giving raises, just not to you. Have a great week.
Q: I am 23, live on my own, have a career that I love, and don’t have any debt or children. I graduated over a year ago, and honestly, the postgrad life is going pretty well for me. The only thing is, I still rage as hard as I did in college. As in, I beat out the groom for first place winner in the keg stand contest at the last wedding I attended. My question is, how much time do I have before other older adults stop saying things like “I miss being young and carefree” and start throwing around words like “alcoholism” and “out of control?”
—Emily in West Virginia
Hell if I know. I’m right there with you. But seriously, it’s going to get a lot worse before it gets any better. The battle inside you between responsible adult and careless party animal will rage on until only one persona survives. You’ll either emerge a responsible human being that knows when and where to cut loose, or die a crazed alcoholic that has been shunned by friends and family after blacking out and hurling on the birthday cake at your 7-year-old cousin’s birthday party. How come I’m not being invited to weddings that feature keg stand competitions? Oh, that’s right. I’m not in West Virginia.
Q: As a postgrad male in my mid-20s, is it still acceptable for me to go to the bar wearing Wallabees and Patagonia Snap-T pullovers? Or does that scream undergrad? I don’t want to be the asshat who wears a blazer with jeans but I don’t to look like I just bought my first fake ID either. I assume as long as women see I have money to spend and I don’t dress like a slob that it shouldn’t work against me, but I may have delusions of grandeur and I actually look like a moron. Please help.
—John in Atlanta
I don’t know. I wear a t-shirt and sandals everyday and write these columns. But if you’re worried about it, you probably look like an asshat. Dress like the other sheep around you and blend into the crowd.
Q: Is it ok to buttercup the interns? If not, what’s the proper way to release butt fumes in the office if the bathroom is too distant?
If by “buttercup” you mean fart in your cupped hand and then hold that hand over an intern’s nose and/or mouth, then probably not. I don’t know what company you work for, or what their specific HR policy on buttercupping is, but I’m guessing they’re against it. The proper way to release butt fumes is to walk over to the area where the interns work, release your toxins, and walk away nonchalantly.
Q: Dear Sir/Madam, I am contacting you regarding of our company urgent need for (concentrate Liquid oil) and it found in USA recently. It is the major product our company has been using since 2010. Our company is currently buying these product at the rate of $65,000 per Gallon from a supplier in USA. Recently, I found out that these same product is sold in India at the rate $29,000 per Gallon and i do not wish to let anyone in our company know about this because of my interest in the business. I intend to present you as a supplier (You will be a Middleman between our company and the local dealer in India) so that our company will not know the main-source of the product. This is just a kind of buying and selling. If you are willing to cooperate with me, i will send you my director’s contact detail then you will send him an offer, telling him that you are the supplier of the concentrate Liquid oil in India and that you got his contact through India Marketing Directory. as soon as he indicate interest to buy, you will let him know that the stock is ready and you are willing to supply at the rate of $52,000 per Gallon provided they make payments and accept delivery in your country only. Once they accept your terms, I will forward you the contact detail of the agent where you will get the product in India. The agent selling price in India is $29,000 per Gallon, Then all profits made by you doing the transaction will be shared between you and me, after deduction of taxes, expenses, etc. This would be a long term business relationship between you and our company. our company is interested to buy 200 gallons of the concentrate Liquid oil and Our financial controller had already release the amount to buy the product so reply if interested. can you co-operate and do this business with me?
—MR KOJOKOFI KWESI