======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Welcome to the PGP Mailbag, wherein I will answer questions from you, our readers. Send your questions to dillon@grandex.co or call the Mailbag hotline at (833) 345-5662 to leave a voicemail and be featured on The Mailbag podcast. All topics welcome.
Big, BIG news today. The Mailbag, a podcast based on this series, is going live on iTunes, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts this week. It would mean a lot to me if you all would subscribe, rate it five stars, and leave a review for me. This goes a long way in helping us climb the charts and get it in front of more people.
Episode 11, featuring Dan Regester, is below.
1. Hey Dill,
LTFT.
I am facing an issue that many of us post-grads have – I hate my job. But this is beyond your normal hate. This is like cry on my lunch break, have extreme anxiety every morning kind of hate. It’s a long story that I won’t get to into, but essentially my boss/owner of my company is a huge asshole and super sexist. Objectfies women interviewing here, calls women fat bitches, hates any woman that tries to voice an opinion – a mistake I made after being here for a few years which is why he started to hate me. He is essentially trying to push me out of the company by making my job as unbearable as possible because he doesn’t want to pay unemployment (I’ve seen him do this to two other employees so I know this is the case). He’s been overloading me with work so I can’t hit deadlines, making people who have been here for a month my supervisor, consistently yelling at me in meetings, etc. All of my coworkers are totally dumbfounded about why he’s acting this way to me and are all considering leaving as well, so it isn’t just me that has a problem with him. I’ve tried talking to him about this but he was a huge dick and it went no where.
Obvious thing to do is to get a new job, right? The trouble is that I haven’t found another job yet, but after I get home from work I am mentally exhausted and while I’ve applied to some 30 jobs, I just can’t bring myself to spend all of my downtime doing that.
Since I’m on the verge of a full blown panic attack at all times, I’m considering quitting without a backup plan. I’ve got five-ish grand in the bank and could pick up some freelance work in the meantime. I think if I had 9-5 free to apply for jobs I could probably find something easier.
Is this nuts or the worst idea ever? I feel like everyone says not to do this but being at this job is killllllllling me.
This isn’t the worst idea ever. You HAVE to get out of this situation as quickly as possible. Your happiness and general quality of life take priority over a steady paycheck in this case. Holy shit, this guy is human garbage.
Pick up a job at the grocery store while you job search if you have to. Maybe borrow a little money from your parents if that’s an option. It will all be worth it once you’re finally settled in at your new position, with a new company, with a new manager. Look after yourself. There’s not enough compensation for the amount of stress and anxiety this fuck is putting you through.
2. Hi Dillon,
First and foremost, I wanted to reach out and say thanks for what you’re doing with the pod. I absolutely love it!
Today I was having a real bummer of a day at work; I just wanted to go home and drink wine. But after listening to The Mailbag on my commute home, laughing to you all going back and forth, I felt so much better. (Full disclosure: still drank the wine).
I’m writing today hoping to get some advice.
This past weekend, Halloween got the best of me and I ended up hooking up with a close friend of mine. I immediately regretted it. I just do not like him like that. Now I’m stuck trying to figure out how to move past this and get back to our friendship the way it was. Can it even be done? I would love a man’s perspective.
I can’t wait to keep listening next week on it’s own feed.
So your friend got the call up out of the friend zone and now you’re trying to demote him right back down. It can be done as long as he doesn’t have feelings for you, because if he does have feelings for you AND he got a taste of the promised land, this journey will not end well.
You’ll have to explain to him that what happened was a mistake, that it will not happen again, and that you’d like to resume being platonic friends. You have to be blunt and matter-of-fact. Either he’s on board and acts accordingly, or you might have just lost a friend.
3. Hi Dillon,
Love the pod/column. I can’t believe how many people have questions about getting +1s to weddings.
Here’s my situation. My boyfriend and I moved into a house three months ago. Things have been going pretty will except for the fact that he leaves clothes everywhere. We have a large walk in closet in the guest room and a second closet in our room. We also have two dressers. He leaves his clothes on the guest bed, kitchen table, the floor, bathroom floor, desk, and everywhere else. He also makes a damn mess in he kitchen and doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
It’s driving me up a wall. I’m anal and I make our bed every day, tidy up any messes, and put every stray piece of clothing away. He definitely thinks I seem high strung when I repeatedly ask him to put his shit away, but I wouldn’t have to ask if he just did it! I try to make a joke out of his mess so I don’t come across as insane. How do I get this 26 year old man to clean up? It’s driving me insane and I’m a firm believer in clear space, clear mind. Plz help.
Sincerely,
If I see one more pair of boxers on the floor I might end it all
You are going to have a VERY difficult time breaking him of these habits. People tend to be hardwired with stuff like this. There are messy people and there are neat people. Very few times in the history of western civilization have people transformed from messy to neat. It can be done, but it will take a while, it will be difficult, your patience will be tested, and you will fight about it.
Step one is sitting his messy ass down and letting him know how exactly his habits are affecting you. Hopefully he cares enough about you to put a plan in motion to change. I understand why you’re choosing to joke about it, as to avoid the tough conversations, but those aren’t going to work. Good luck.
4. Dillon,
I appreciate what you do on the mic with both Mailbag and Touching base. You make my work-from-home analyst job much more enjoyable, so thank you for that.
I am writing to you today seeking some very critical advice. I am a 23-year-old average golfer who plays golf a few times a month and I enjoy playing with the boys, listening to music, drinking, etc. while on the course. Unfortunately, I have a good friend who has played my ball several times and I have called him out on it a few times, which he deliberately lies about it saying that it is his, when I am certain that it is not.
We have gotten into some arguments over it and it ruins the entire outing for both myself and my other friends out on the course. Should I start marking my balls and gas him up next time I suspect it or try to avoid further confrontation? Off the course, we go out, watch football, and “briefly” started a podcast together, but this issue pisses me off.
What’s the move here?
This is bizarre behavior. One time can be a mistake. Two times is reckless. “Several times” is deliberate and a major violation. Screw this kid, man.
Your move is to mark your balls, BUT do it very subtly. Maybe hide your marking somewhere in the logo. Maybe you fill in the Callaway “a” with red marker or something like that. This will allow you to catch him in a lie. The next time he pulls this shit, be like “Hey there, dickhead. Check the Callaway logo for me. Do you see red in that ‘a’? Shit’s mine, you lying sack of shit.”
Then find his ball and hit it 150 yards into the woods..
Don’t forget: Call the Mailbag hotline at (833) 345-5662 to leave a voicemail and be featured on The Mailbag podcast. Also, please subscribe to Grandex Labs on iTunes.
I always need emails, too. The more questions I receive, the better this series is going to be, so send me your Mailbag questions to dillon@grandex.co and please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.
Respond
Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
@dcheverere
@dcheverere
RogerJDorn
Girl with the dick hole boss –
Not only do you need to get out of there, but it sounds like you have grounds for a hostile work environment case. I’m not an HR expert, but I am familiar because of my own situation. I would consult with an attorney.
Friendly neighborhood HR employee here, you absolutely have a case and if legal action is the route you want to take there are definitely resources out there that can help you and I would recommend documenting anything and everything that shows the mistreatment from your boss.
I’m not sure what your background is in but you could always start your job search with a contract job through an agency. It’s not ideal, but it’s a paycheck and most agencies will put you on their benefits too.
In these situations, people always say “Call a lawyer.” If you take legal action, be prepared for a very long and painful experience that will cost you significantly, monetarily, emotionally, and professionally. And that’s if you win. Unless you have been keeping a journal and documenting these instances, and have co-workers who will back you up, your chance of getting any recompense is slight. And since the perpetrator is the owner of the company, he isn’t going to be fired or demoted. Unfortunately, the best course of action is often to find a new job. That’s unfortunate, and it isn’t an answer that is popular among idealists, but it’s the hard truth.
Girl with the asshole boss here. Would I still be able to do that if we have an HR person here who had witnessed it and done nothing?
I absolutely would. Not sure what state you are in, but also consider recording the conversation with your HR rep as well. If you have them on record saying they saw an incident and chose to do nothing, that would significantly help your cause. Again though, every state is different when it comes to recording conversations (some require consent, others don’t).
Have you gone to that HR person and reported it? Or were they just a witness? Either way, bring any documentation and complaints you have to them. If they do nothing, your case is probably even stronger.
As someone who was in a very similar situation, I feel for ya – I quit my job, no backup plan and became a substitute teacher for about three months. Not sure what the qualifications are in your area so not sure if it’s a viable option for you – but it was easy to get certified, super low stress, was enough money to keep my afloat and gave me the free time to look for new positions without the stress of my nightmare job. Tip though, would be to stick to high school subbing, as elementary school subbing just feels like babysitting but worse.
Just call nived, I bet he knows a good hitman
To Kimber’s point, I do not know a hitman, per se. however, the greatest hitman/woman is the system in which we work and operate in. It kills entire generations and suffocates the future prosperity out of the youth. Your boss is an asshole because assholes run this place and since we are a tribalistic species, assholes only want to run in small circles of other asssholes which ironically forms the exact thing they are as people, assholes. You need to get out of there for sure but it’s time to become an asshole. Observe, document, report…extort, manipulate, and kill from the inside. When you’ve killed a persons ego and self worth, you’ve pretty much killed them as a person. All that’s left is an outer shell of a former person who just trots along uninspired until they’re dead. Don’t become one of those people
I second this. Your needs to be held accountable for being such a fuckwad.
Your boss*
And as far as finding another job…it gets said all the time but network. Like posts on LinkedIn, comment, as corny as it sounds. Get your name out there and just talk to people. I’ve had three different jobs since graduation and none of them came through applications. In fact, I’ve probably applied to hundreds and heard crickets.
third. Definitely talk to someone! Talk to the unemployment office and an attorney.
Boss situation- everyone else has suggested running to an attorney. I consulted one when I was fired from a large mortgage company that was essentially a religious cult and I didn’t drink the Kool aid. The lawyer told me unless I had something concrete like an email explicating calling out my different faith (or lack of faith), there wasn’t much of a point. He shot me straight and said being a white Christian female and not Muslim wouldn’t do me any favors. I realize we’re talking about a different kind of harassment or discrimination here, but his point was that any kind of hostile work environment is incredibly hard to prove without concrete evidence. Oh, and I had been documenting things on my own for months and was told it’s a case of he said she said and that wouldn’t matter.
Just something to think about before you potentially waste a lot of money.
Forgot to mention, the lawyer I met with is a long time friend of my husband (a former attorney in a different area of law.) That’s why he was speaking in non PC talk to me, lol.
Just chiming in from another HR perspective. Try to document what you can, but you for sure have grounds
Especially if other people at your work would be willing to testify on your behalf….
Can confirm it sounds like you have a decent case for a lawsuit
If you don’t live in California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, and Washington you can legally record someone without their knowledge. Start recording every interaction with him and immediately download to a device where the date/time will be recorded as well. (iPhones I know will do this by default).
Start keeping a journal with dates/times of what he did to you and save emails.
If you really want to go the attorney route you need proof
Sexist boss lady- it’s 2018, time to capatilize on his behavior. Ruin his career by outing him, taking over this business and then ruin his life by running his business into the ground. But in all seriousness, fuck that guy and I hope he gets what he deserves.
Messy boyfriend girl- train him like Pavlov’s dogs. Every time he puts a clothing item away, touch his peepee. Before you know it your house will be spotless.
Golf buddy guy- fuuuucckkkk him. I’m no pro but to me one of the reasons to play golf is the challenge. If you’re not taking said challenge seriously, don’t waste your or your playing partners time with bullshit. There are plenty of other friends or even fandoms at the course to play with.
1. Horrible boss girl, consult an attorney
Sincerely,
An attorney whose firm reps people like your boss for those claims.
2. Messy bf girl: temper your expectations. Like Dillon said, these things are hardwired in people. My bf and I moved in together and we had a similar issue. We sat down and talked about it and while it’s improved, it’s not perfect and I realized I needed to calm down a little bit and just be ok with a little mess.
Golf guy- Wild. What a weird guy.
Do you have to have written out proof in order to go that route? Everything has been verbal so far.
I didn’t have written proof, but submitted a claim to the Minnesota Department of Human Rights. They launched an investigation, we did interviews, and then ended up in mediation and with a settlement. I’ll agree with the above statements, its long and tedious and at times, was really painful. However, my lawyer was only paid if I got paid so once I received the settlement, he took 1/3 of it. And frankly, I didn’t go through the process to get paid. I was PISSED that this misogynistic asshole treated women the way he did and I was done with it. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions.
Nightmare boss girl: do you have any paper evidence of your boss being sexist and purposefully singling you out? Emails, etc.? If so and if your company is big enough to have one, contact HR to open investigation and use that as proof. Any worthwhile HR department would have a field day with this scenario. Don’t quit before you exhaust all your options.
Nothing in writing unfortunately. We have an HR person who has witnessed his behavior first hand and said nothing. Since he’s the owner, it seems like he can basically do whatever he wants.
Then, I’m sorry to say, you might be screwed both with HR and a lawsuit. As others have noted, without any crush proof, the lawsuit would turn into a he said she said kind of thing. Your other bet would be to get other company workers to testify. I would still consult with a lawyer though, you can usually get a free consultation for an issue before you decide whether it’s worth your time and money.
One other avenue that might be worth exploring is going to the local press. If the company is big enough in your community, they might pay you to shut the fuck up and can the negative publicity.
Any concrete proof*
Company may be liable for not being prepared to handle employee misconduct allegations. Make an EEOC or state division of human rights allegation and the floodgates may open without much proof. These things can be done without an attorney too.
You never touch another man’s ball, much less play with them.
To the girl who hates her job- I had a terrible manager before (not your level but still pretty bad) and was working 65 to 75 hours a week some weeks, while being miserable thinking about going back to work while at home. I finally got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore so I quit and grabbed a job working at a hotel working the front desk to hold me over while I found something more permanent. It ended up being an enjoyable job for me while I figured out what I wanted my next move to be and with the travel perks that come with working at a hotel, I even got to go places for cheap as mini low budget vacations to clear my head as well. So quit and find a part time job that you find enjoyable (or has perks) to keep the bills paid and clear your head while you figure out your next move and go from there.
gotta mark your own golf ball player
I don’t even golf, and I fucking hate that guy.
Full disclosure: I’d absolutely love to be able to golf, but I’m a grown-ass man and have not even been to a driving range, and it’s beyond my comfort range to start now and embarrass myself. I’m banking on golf courses becoming untenable, forcing deal-closers to move into the bowling alleys where I half know what the hell I’m doing.
Always mark your ball with an identifier, it’s not a dick move, its preservation of $$ since oyu and your boys likely play the same ball and if you’re at a muni, you may have an opposing hole where a ball could stray out of then it’s “which callaway chrome soft was I using?” oh yea, the one with MM on it in sharpie
3. Firm believer in once you hook up with a friend you can never truly be friends again
4. Start doing positive reinforcement, any time he cleans up after himself have sex with him. From personal experience this will work, I hope your ready for a clean house all the time.