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The Mailbag, a podcast based on this series, is now live. The questions that make the podcast will be a combination of emails (if you’d like to remain anonymous) and voicemails. The hotline number is above. Please give me plenty to choose from so we have interesting topics of discussion.
Episode 1 is below.
1. Hey Dillon,
Turning to you and the PGP community on this because the advice I’ve received from friends on this issue has been lackluster or unhelpful so far, and this has been weighing really heavily on me for a while.
On Thursday night, my boyfriend of about 9 mos and I went out to a happy hour, where we proceeded to drink quite a bit, and then went on to a pool party where we continued drinking and also smoked a little weed. At this pool party, there were about 7 people there (including us) who were all close friends. Someone there brings up butt-chugging, and we’ve all been good-naturedly ribbing each other all night, so I decide now is the perfect time to bring out the butt-chugging story that I learned from my boyfriend’s high school buddies during our trip to his hometown. As I begin the story (I got as far as “So speaking of butt chugging, [insert BF’s name here] should tell you about the time he did it…!!”), my boyfriend gets embarrassed, and instead of saying something, leaps out of the pool and shoves me, hard.
He followed that up with about 5 or so minutes of pure embarrassment and anger–lots of “are you fucking kidding me” and “you and your big mouth” comments–but as soon as he calmed down, he was absolutely distraught over how he had reacted and was falling over himself to apologize for shoving me.
Since then, I took a few days to figure out how I felt about things, and he enrolled in an intensive therapy program to help him deal with his anxiety/the anger that stems from it. He has apologized profusely, and we’re slowly getting back to normal, but I still feel a little uneasy. He’s never done anything like that–he’d never even raised his voice at me before this–and I know he was definitely intoxicated and not in the right state of mind when it happened, but it still feels like that is a huge red flag and I don’t want to ignore it. On the other hand, I love him so much and this doesn’t feel like it warrants a breakup…especially since I can’t imagine my life without him.
What’s the middle ground between the “if you ever lay your hands on me, we’re done” attitude and just forgiving and forgetting? Is there a middle ground? Should I be taking this more seriously than I am? I will take any and all advice that you or my fellow PGPers have. Thanks for your help, Dill.
This is a tough one to answer. If suggesting that you give him another chance leads to something like this happening again, or something even worse, I don’t want that on my conscience. I’m not saying you’d do what I suggest, but this is obviously a very sensitive matter.
It’s a positive that he was so remorseful so quickly after shoving you. You said this was the first sign of aggression in your nine months dating him. It’s an isolated incident with alcohol and weed in play. Is that enough to give him another chance, though? It depends on if you think this is a first glimpse of a bigger issue, or if you think it stops here. You know him best. The people who were there know him well, too. Talk to him. Talk to them. Do what’s best for you.
“…especially since I can’t imagine my life without him.”
I’m not crazy about people saying this. It’s not a great mindset.
2. What’s good, Dill/Dorn, hope you’re well.
LTFT (I think, at least), and I have a question that’s probably been answered in some form over the course of the series but I haven’t seen it and I need guidance.
At the moment there are only two single guys in my friend group, myself, and my friend (who I will refer to as Josh). We’re both on tinder and for the most part doing fairly well (he’s better looking than me, like an 8.5, I’m more average at like a 5.5-6 so he tends to get a few more matches/dates than I do).
I met a girl that I really like a little while back on there and have been on three dates with her and we’re still talking. We’re definitely nowhere near the exclusive mark but things have been going well and I plan to see her again in the near future. Well, last night my friends and I were out at the bar and Josh was on tinder and he saw said girl’s profile and directly in front of me swiped right.
They didn’t match but like I said he’s a good looking guy and there’s a decent chance they will. I was really upset but I didn’t want to start drama and ruin the night for everyone (including the guy who just turned 21 that we were out celebrating), so I didn’t say anything at the time. He knew that was a girl I’m seeing and he knowingly swiped right on her, am I being irrational for being angry? I get that we’re all single and everyone has the right to be on dating apps because of that, but I’ve always thought that if your friend was seeing someone that person is off limits, even if they’re not exclusive yet. Josh is definitely a womanizer and I would not put it past him to make a move if they match and not tell me or any of our friends anything.
Sorry this is long, but I need some guidance. Should I talk to him, should I talk to her? Is this totally ok and I’m just being an insecure, selfish, prick?
Thanks in advance; the podcast is dope, keep killing it!
Your handsome friend is kind of a dick. It’s unclear if he swiped right on her knowing you were aware of it or if he didn’t realize you were paying attention. Either way is fucked up, however.
You need to talk to him because that’s a major violation of friend code. Exclusivity doesn’t matter (although it would make this worse). Once you start talking a girl, she becomes off limits to your friends. Everyone knows that. Talk to him. Tell him he’s a dick.
3. Dilly Dilly,
I have an increasingly serious issue. I’m rocking the classic hair swoop that is starting to look like a bad combover. My hairline isn’t receding per se, but its so thin you can see my scalp in places.
It isn’t hideous yet but its obvious to my friends. I feel like i’m hanging on to my college hair style and its only making me look worse. I’m mid-late 20s so all but one of my friends has a full head of hair. That makes this harder.
My real question is, what is popular these days for guys with thin hair? I feel like clean shaven or buzz cut is the move here but that would be DRASTIC. I’d have to explain it for weeks to people seeing it for the first time.
I’m having a lot of hesitation here. Thoughts?
After sentence two, I was envisioning the classic frat swoop, not the thinning hair crutch-swoop. As a guy in your mid-to-late 20s, the former is actually worse than the latter.
I won’t begin to pass judgement on anyone for how they deal with thinning hair. It hits some guys hard and it causes a lot of distress. That’s unfortunate. Does the combover look bad? Yes it does. Are we all aware of the reason you’re combing it over? Yes we are. Are we going to tell you it looks bad? We’re probably not.
Why? Because that’s your head. Because that’s your thinning hair. Because that’s your insecurity that you’re trying best to remedy in your own way. I’d be more inclined to buzz it and own it than try to cover it up. That’s me, though.
4. Got a bit of a personal question that even if you can’t answer, I’m hoping some of the lovely ladies of PGP can. I live with my girlfriend of two years and while cleaning out papers on the counter, I found an EOB that apparently was for STI testing.
I thought this was weird, since she got tested before we became official and I figured people in a monogamous relationship didn’t need to anymore. When I asked her about it, she just said she went to see her doctor because of some irritation down there and the doctor suggested an STI test while she was getting checked out. But why would a doctor suggest this if she hadn’t been with someone new since her last one? She said some can be dormant for a while but a year seems like a long time for that.
I’m sure I sound like a paranoid asshole but I’ve been cheated on twice in the past and that really fucks with your head. I didn’t accuse her of cheating but I can’t stop thinking about it. If it matters, her tests came back negative again, but I just don’t want to be the dumbass who doesn’t even know he’s being cheated on again. Is it normal to get tested for an STI if your last test came back negative and you haven’t been with anyone new since?
“But why would a doctor suggest this if she hadn’t been with someone new since her last one? She said some can be dormant for a while but a year seems like a long time for that.”
…or she could have gotten one from you. You said she got tested before you two became official, but you didn’t say you got tested.
If you have no real reason to believe she’s cheated on you before, you should probably take her word that her doctor suggested she get tested. Again: Don’t make your current girlfriend pay for the sins of your previous shitty ones.
“Is it normal to get tested for an STI if your last test came back negative and you haven’t been with anyone new since?”
If your doctor says so, yes.
Also, herpes can be dormant for years and years, plus about 70% of us have it.
5. Sup Dillon, LTFT. I’ve recently entered the Post grad world and am wondering what are some solid “man” drinks I can order at the bars now, since my usual whiskey coke seems a little immature. Thanks for the advice.
Whiskey and Coke is an inexperienced drinker’s cocktail. Also it sucks.
• anything with gin
• whiskey neat or with a little water
• old fashioned
• tequila and soda
Those are the basics..
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