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Welcome to the PGP Mailbag, wherein I will answer questions from you, our readers. Send your questions to dillon@grandex.co or call the Mailbag hotline at (833) 345-5662 to leave a voicemail and be featured on The Mailbag podcast. All topics welcome.
The Mailbag, a podcast based on this series, is now live. The questions that make the podcast will be a combination of emails (if you’d like to remain anonymous) and voicemails. The hotline number is above. Please give me plenty to choose from so we have interesting topics of discussion.
Episode 1 is below.
1. Hey Dillon,
Turning to you and the PGP community on this because the advice I’ve received from friends on this issue has been lackluster or unhelpful so far, and this has been weighing really heavily on me for a while.
On Thursday night, my boyfriend of about 9 mos and I went out to a happy hour, where we proceeded to drink quite a bit, and then went on to a pool party where we continued drinking and also smoked a little weed. At this pool party, there were about 7 people there (including us) who were all close friends. Someone there brings up butt-chugging, and we’ve all been good-naturedly ribbing each other all night, so I decide now is the perfect time to bring out the butt-chugging story that I learned from my boyfriend’s high school buddies during our trip to his hometown. As I begin the story (I got as far as “So speaking of butt chugging, [insert BF’s name here] should tell you about the time he did it…!!”), my boyfriend gets embarrassed, and instead of saying something, leaps out of the pool and shoves me, hard.
He followed that up with about 5 or so minutes of pure embarrassment and anger–lots of “are you fucking kidding me” and “you and your big mouth” comments–but as soon as he calmed down, he was absolutely distraught over how he had reacted and was falling over himself to apologize for shoving me.
Since then, I took a few days to figure out how I felt about things, and he enrolled in an intensive therapy program to help him deal with his anxiety/the anger that stems from it. He has apologized profusely, and we’re slowly getting back to normal, but I still feel a little uneasy. He’s never done anything like that–he’d never even raised his voice at me before this–and I know he was definitely intoxicated and not in the right state of mind when it happened, but it still feels like that is a huge red flag and I don’t want to ignore it. On the other hand, I love him so much and this doesn’t feel like it warrants a breakup…especially since I can’t imagine my life without him.
What’s the middle ground between the “if you ever lay your hands on me, we’re done” attitude and just forgiving and forgetting? Is there a middle ground? Should I be taking this more seriously than I am? I will take any and all advice that you or my fellow PGPers have. Thanks for your help, Dill.
This is a tough one to answer. If suggesting that you give him another chance leads to something like this happening again, or something even worse, I don’t want that on my conscience. I’m not saying you’d do what I suggest, but this is obviously a very sensitive matter.
It’s a positive that he was so remorseful so quickly after shoving you. You said this was the first sign of aggression in your nine months dating him. It’s an isolated incident with alcohol and weed in play. Is that enough to give him another chance, though? It depends on if you think this is a first glimpse of a bigger issue, or if you think it stops here. You know him best. The people who were there know him well, too. Talk to him. Talk to them. Do what’s best for you.
“…especially since I can’t imagine my life without him.”
I’m not crazy about people saying this. It’s not a great mindset.
2. What’s good, Dill/Dorn, hope you’re well.
LTFT (I think, at least), and I have a question that’s probably been answered in some form over the course of the series but I haven’t seen it and I need guidance.
At the moment there are only two single guys in my friend group, myself, and my friend (who I will refer to as Josh). We’re both on tinder and for the most part doing fairly well (he’s better looking than me, like an 8.5, I’m more average at like a 5.5-6 so he tends to get a few more matches/dates than I do).
I met a girl that I really like a little while back on there and have been on three dates with her and we’re still talking. We’re definitely nowhere near the exclusive mark but things have been going well and I plan to see her again in the near future. Well, last night my friends and I were out at the bar and Josh was on tinder and he saw said girl’s profile and directly in front of me swiped right.
They didn’t match but like I said he’s a good looking guy and there’s a decent chance they will. I was really upset but I didn’t want to start drama and ruin the night for everyone (including the guy who just turned 21 that we were out celebrating), so I didn’t say anything at the time. He knew that was a girl I’m seeing and he knowingly swiped right on her, am I being irrational for being angry? I get that we’re all single and everyone has the right to be on dating apps because of that, but I’ve always thought that if your friend was seeing someone that person is off limits, even if they’re not exclusive yet. Josh is definitely a womanizer and I would not put it past him to make a move if they match and not tell me or any of our friends anything.
Sorry this is long, but I need some guidance. Should I talk to him, should I talk to her? Is this totally ok and I’m just being an insecure, selfish, prick?
Thanks in advance; the podcast is dope, keep killing it!
Your handsome friend is kind of a dick. It’s unclear if he swiped right on her knowing you were aware of it or if he didn’t realize you were paying attention. Either way is fucked up, however.
You need to talk to him because that’s a major violation of friend code. Exclusivity doesn’t matter (although it would make this worse). Once you start talking a girl, she becomes off limits to your friends. Everyone knows that. Talk to him. Tell him he’s a dick.
3. Dilly Dilly,
LTFT
I have an increasingly serious issue. I’m rocking the classic hair swoop that is starting to look like a bad combover. My hairline isn’t receding per se, but its so thin you can see my scalp in places.
It isn’t hideous yet but its obvious to my friends. I feel like i’m hanging on to my college hair style and its only making me look worse. I’m mid-late 20s so all but one of my friends has a full head of hair. That makes this harder.
My real question is, what is popular these days for guys with thin hair? I feel like clean shaven or buzz cut is the move here but that would be DRASTIC. I’d have to explain it for weeks to people seeing it for the first time.
I’m having a lot of hesitation here. Thoughts?
After sentence two, I was envisioning the classic frat swoop, not the thinning hair crutch-swoop. As a guy in your mid-to-late 20s, the former is actually worse than the latter.
I won’t begin to pass judgement on anyone for how they deal with thinning hair. It hits some guys hard and it causes a lot of distress. That’s unfortunate. Does the combover look bad? Yes it does. Are we all aware of the reason you’re combing it over? Yes we are. Are we going to tell you it looks bad? We’re probably not.
Why? Because that’s your head. Because that’s your thinning hair. Because that’s your insecurity that you’re trying best to remedy in your own way. I’d be more inclined to buzz it and own it than try to cover it up. That’s me, though.
4. Got a bit of a personal question that even if you can’t answer, I’m hoping some of the lovely ladies of PGP can. I live with my girlfriend of two years and while cleaning out papers on the counter, I found an EOB that apparently was for STI testing.
I thought this was weird, since she got tested before we became official and I figured people in a monogamous relationship didn’t need to anymore. When I asked her about it, she just said she went to see her doctor because of some irritation down there and the doctor suggested an STI test while she was getting checked out. But why would a doctor suggest this if she hadn’t been with someone new since her last one? She said some can be dormant for a while but a year seems like a long time for that.
I’m sure I sound like a paranoid asshole but I’ve been cheated on twice in the past and that really fucks with your head. I didn’t accuse her of cheating but I can’t stop thinking about it. If it matters, her tests came back negative again, but I just don’t want to be the dumbass who doesn’t even know he’s being cheated on again. Is it normal to get tested for an STI if your last test came back negative and you haven’t been with anyone new since?
“But why would a doctor suggest this if she hadn’t been with someone new since her last one? She said some can be dormant for a while but a year seems like a long time for that.”
…or she could have gotten one from you. You said she got tested before you two became official, but you didn’t say you got tested.
If you have no real reason to believe she’s cheated on you before, you should probably take her word that her doctor suggested she get tested. Again: Don’t make your current girlfriend pay for the sins of your previous shitty ones.
“Is it normal to get tested for an STI if your last test came back negative and you haven’t been with anyone new since?”
If your doctor says so, yes.
Also, herpes can be dormant for years and years, plus about 70% of us have it.
5. Sup Dillon, LTFT. I’ve recently entered the Post grad world and am wondering what are some solid “man” drinks I can order at the bars now, since my usual whiskey coke seems a little immature. Thanks for the advice.
Whiskey and Coke is an inexperienced drinker’s cocktail. Also it sucks.
Man drinks:
• beer
• anything with gin
• whiskey neat or with a little water
• old fashioned
• martini
• tequila and soda
• scotch
Those are the basics..
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Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
@dcheverere
@dcheverere
RogerJDorn
“Man drink” = a drink ordered by a man. Drink that delicious fruity drink with confidence.
Agreed. We go to the bar to enjoy ourselves, not drink something we don’t like.
“7&7” (Seagrams Seven Crown and 7-up) is a solid option that’s not just straight liquor—if that’s what you’re looking for. Also added bonus that it’s not terribly trendy so makes you seem like you know what you like.
Awful take. Listen to touching base with intern Luke, the boys rip him apart for drinking 7&7’s
I’ll just come out and say it: I don’t like podcasts whatsoever.
Who gets violent on weed
Pot heads are notoriously docile
#4 – yes definitely normal. I’ve had the same boyfriend for 3 years, have never/will never cheat, and get tested every year. A lot of drs recommend that you do because things really can stay dormant and it’s possible to lead to cancer if you don’t catch it
Came here to say this. My OB does it yearly just as part of that check-up. And I’m married…with two kids.
Similar situation for me with a boyfriend of 2.5 years and I never cheated but I got tested every year just out of habit and then again when I suspected him of cheating.
This. Your OBGYN should be more concerned with your vaginal health than your relationship status. It’s their job to keep you healthy, not worry about your boyfriend.
Some STIs can stay dormant, and your significant others doctor doesn’t know you. If something is changing down there, they’re going to suggest testing because it’s the best way to rule out common causes, whether or not the patient (your gf) has strayed from a relationship because you may have.
I don’t want to be a pessimist here but 9 months is just past the honeymoon phase. I’m willing to bet he probably hasn’t had an opportunity to be really, truly angry with you much prior to this. I dated a guy in college who didn’t start to show his true colors until 8-9 months and then I’d get called a slut for going to parties without him, the controlling texts rolled it 24/7, I got shoved down a stairwell, and finally the last straw was when he came to my dorm room yelling about how much of a worthless C U next Tuesday I was and my RA called the cops. If that hadn’t happened, who knows how long I’d have kept making excuses for him.
Long story short, watch for other warning signs. If you stay with him, tread carefully and know when you’re in too deep.
Sorry that happened to you. I always tell my friends (because this happens more than I think people realize) that the longer you’re with him and the more committed you are to him the worse it will get. Most people don’t marry the guy who beats the crap out of them. They marry the guy who had violent fits but didn’t really hurt them, and was really good at apologizing. The beatings didn’t start til after the marriage license was signed. You have nothing to gain from staying with a man who lays his hands on you and embarrasses you and yells at you, but you have everything-including your LIFE- to lose by staying. There’s no gray area here. Cut it and run, you won’t regret it.
My cousin had a similar problem. She dated my pledge brother and apartment- mate(another story right there) and he treated her like garbage and would call her a whore for going to his own fraternities parties without him while I, her cousin, would also be there. I’m glad I was able to be there because I was able to kick his ass and convince her to end it with him. Long story short, leave his ass.
An ex of mine started showing angry/ violent behavior after about 6 months. The more I excused it and forgave him, the worse it got. He would cry and apologize but go right back to his abusive ways the next day. Easier said than done, but listen to the red flags and get out sooner than later!
Guy dealing with Josh,
I think you need to look at 2 things here.
1. Josh swiped right on a girl he knows you’re involved with
2. You said so yourself, you wouldn’t put it past him to try and make a move and not tell you
If you can’t trust your friend to respect you enough to back off from a girl you’re involved with, then that’s not your boy
Your second point is what immediately jumped out to me as well. If you think your buddy would hook up with a girl you’re seeing and not tell you, that says more about your buddy than anything else.
Guy with the girlfriend STI test: unless you have other reasons to believe that she’s cheating on you, you have to take her word for it. If you let your previous relationship insecurities fester and blame your girlfriend for something that she didn’t do, you’ll ruin the relationship, like Dillon said.
Girl whose boyfriend got mad: sounds like everything was handled well. You’re approaching a year with the guy so you’re beginning to see his true self reveal itself slowly and slowly as the relationship progresses. If he acknowledges what he did and is working on it and it doesn’t happen again, nothing to it. Sometimes shit happens. But if this thing starts repeating itself, then it’s something to worry about.
Unless the lady is married, generally, an STI test is done at every check up..according to my wife
Agreed, I just do it at my regular checkups because it’s free and the doctor always suggests it as a routine thing even if there’s no reason you’d have one.
My girlfriend receives STI test every time she sees her doctor. At this point it’s standard protocol. If you trust her, don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill.
I agree Bill. STIs can occur from plenty of non-sexual interactions and dormancy is a serious consideration.
One of my good friends once dealt with a similar situation and the conclusion she came to was this: If he so much as raises his voice as the aggressor, She was gone. This isn’t an area to mess around with and yes it sounds like this could have truly been a fluke, but you should formulate a detailed plan for any possible situation going forward.
Best,
JG
I think this is a grey area and a lot of it depends on your culture and upbringing. There’s a very fine line between yelling at someone and shoving them and hitting them. Domestic violence is absolutely never okay and is the brightest of red flags in any relationship. But yelling? That’s a very grey area. I do admit that I missed the part about her being shoved, which changes some things, but overall I still stand by my point.
I also agree with you. Once that type of behavior starts, it doesn’t stop. From multiple experiences (mine as well as two of my friends), once you’ve forgiven that behavior once, it can be forgiven again. And it’s very easy for it to escalate bit by bit until one day you’re seriously hurt or worse. The fact that it took him more than a second after he shoved you not to be immediately remorseful is also not a great sign. Someone who love you, respects you, and cares about you will never intentionally do something to hurt you. And even if you can’t imagine your life without him, if these behaviors continue and you keep excusing them, would you want that kind of life with him?
#5 – Nothing wrong with whiskey cokes, friend. If you’re at a bar having a drink in the first place, it’s because you’re trying to enjoy yourself and shake the stress off of your new postgrad problematic life. You just can’t sweat these small things because they’ll eat you alive.
While I agree with his list of drinks, unless someone else is paying for my drink, I’ll be drinking whatever I damn well please.
I would never be able to look past someone shoving me. Even if they got help, etc., I would always be a little terrified of them from that point on.
From one dude with shitty hair genes to another, its time to ditch the swoop and go short. If you’re not ready to commit to a full buzz, have your hair person fade the sides tight and scissor cut the top to leave some length. That way you can ease the transition. Or just go guns hot and shock and awe with a buzz
1) No comment on the shoving issue. I think Dil explained it best. Although your “can’t imagine my life without him” comment does have some co-dependency tones that could hamper proper judgement. I’d discuss that more.
2)”Josh” is a douche. That goes against friend code. not cool. trash move.
3) find a GOOD barber. not decent, not mediocre, but actually good. Not that cookie cutter salon staff either. (im biased, i spent YEARS finding the right one) and then let him or her know what you’re looking for and work with them to find the best cut for your unique lid.
4) everything Dillon said but what piqued my interest more was that you’re not married or registered domestic partners… so why did you have access to private medical info and why did you continue to read the EOB knowing that it wasn’t yours? but then again I do honestly hope that it’s not a sign of infidelity.
5) Negroni, Manhattan, Old Fashioned with both ango and orange bitters.
Apologies for the long af post.