Love Triangles, A Pornhub Tinder Date, and Getting Arrested At The Zoo: The Worst Stories From This Weekend

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I had an entirely new kind of Sunday Scaries this weekend. Not to brag, but yeah, I worked yesterday. Okay, well, it was by choice because it was launch day for The Sunday Scaries Podcast. Luckily for me, the launch couldn’t have gone better and I attribute that to you guys — the day-drinking, brunch-having, what-am-I-doing-with-my-life people who subscribed, listened, and reviewed.

If you haven’t done so already, check it out on iTunes and SoundCloud. Episode 004 was the first episode to appear on its own feed, which you can listen to while you read this very column.

Now let’s get it. As always, original/unedited stories can be found in quotes below. You can send your stories to will@grandex.co and they’ll remain anonymous for the rest of time.

I would like to say this is my first time writing in, but alas, I am a shit show. I am sending this on Monday, because I just couldn’t handle putting my scaries in writing yesterday.

Friday Night: I spent a week out of town for work and was finally pulling into my apartment complex at midnight after a long day of work and driving 4 hours home. When BAM I got rear ended. Luckily, the guy has insurance, and I’ll only need to replace my bumper, but still not what you want.

Saturday Night: One of my friends/coworker is having a house party (let’s refer to him as A). After Friday, I decided I deserve to get hammered, and show up with another coworker, who I’ve been texting (let’s refer to him as B). B and I have tried to keep things on the DL until we are sure it is something real. So much on the DL that A convinces me that I need a second house tour. Being v drunk, I fall for the bait. A and I are in the kitchen when he decides to make out with me. OF COURSE B walks in. I tell A I can’t make out with him and he figures out why. A, not done shooting his shot, goes on to tell me why he would be a better boyfriend than B. Very confused/drunk I uber home.

Monday Morning: Quietly sitting in my cube, avoiding both A and B, because we all work together.

Oh and we have a big camping trip planned for next weekend. everyone from the party, including, A, B and yours truly.

Love myself a good love triangle. Sure, this isn’t as tasty as one that would exist on a romantic comedy, but still sounds like you’ve got your work cut out for you. Just make sure A doesn’t kidnap you on said camping trip because you have eyes for B’s tent.

Honestly I’ve over analyzed this situation enough and am so defeated that this is the best I can give ya:

I invited my friend, Steph, and two of her friends to come out with me and my roommates on Saturday night. I ended up hitting it off one of the friends (girl A) and we end up talking/dancing all night. After closing out the bar we all head back collectively to my place to keep the fun going. Eventually I find myself alone on the couch with girl A and make my move. She was, in fact, having none of it, and proceeded to shut me down/give me the X/stonewall Jackson me. However, I am not Ryan Reynolds and have been rejected before so I stand back up and proceed to pour another drink when I am intercepted by the other friend (girl B) who asks me if she and girl A can sleep in my bed for the night. I was already shook from the rejection and stunned by the audacity of the question that I found myself saying yes before I comprehended the entirety of the situation. With no bed and no dignity I went to the laundry room and laid down on the floor. It was already 4am and I had a company hike I needed to leave for at 9am (I’ve never been hiking).

p.s. that hike was the worst fucking thing ever

p.p.s. I still think I love girl A

p.p.p.s. two day hangover is real and the entire office is hearing my stomach (ass?) try to decompose all the Ls from this weekend

Did you… did you just get bed cucked by Girl B? Also, why are we referring to everyone as Person A and Person B this week? I don’t hate it but this is a trend that I can’t overlook.

LTFT.

I drove from Nashville to Chicago for a bachelorette party over the weekend.

I was an hour south of Chicago Thursday and my car overheated. Towed my car to the only mechanic still open. Too far from my destination, I had to stay in a hotel overnight to fix my car Friday.

I get back on the road Friday at noon and have a smooth drive. Wonderful bachelorette party weekend. No scary-inducing stories.

On the road for two hours Sunday and my car overheats. I make it to a town with no mechanics open until Monday morning. Book a hotel to wait for a mechanic to open Monday morning. Worst scaries of my life. My Garmin fitness tracker reviewed my stress levels and concluded “almost no restful moments today.”

Turns out my Friday mechanic installed a part with a blown fuse. Monday mechanic gets me back on the road and I return home safely. Burning a PTO day was bad, but being away from my dog an extra night was worse.

P.S. I really do feel better after writing this. Thanks for lifting some of the weight from my shoulders, King.

Yep, this is bad. I’d rather have a three-day hangover than deal with a car overheating on the way back from a bachelerette party. I hate to say it, but you were better off flying here. Hindsight is 20/15, but lesson learned. Never drive back from a bachelor(ette) party.

I know it’s Wednesday night but my identity got stolen so the scaries are uhhhh…yeah, pretty present right now.

I couldn’t find my credit card this morning when I went to get gas. Turned out my girlfriend had it. Ts and Ps.

Father-in-law decided to come down Thursday to help my wife and I paint on our new house this weekend. However, we have a friends wedding in Boston today (Saturday) and he’s been at our house painting on his own since 1pm Friday. He also thinks he’s the greatest handyman this side of the Mason Dixon, but can’t figure out how to use a power drill to take a screw out of the wall. T’s&P’s would be appreciated for our return Sunday to see the damage he’s done. Hoping for the best, expecting the worst…

I mean, it’s not like you can tell him “no, please don’t come.” He’s your father-in-law and probably paid for your wedding. His house is officially your house. RIP.

I am on the final day of a week long Alaskan cruise and am flying back home to Orlando today. On the final night of our trip we decided to shut the bar down and stay till closing with all the family members we won’t be seeing for a while. Six whiskeys later I crawl into bed only to be woken up by my alarm 4 hours later at 6:00am. Hungover as hell, I get on the shuttle from the port to the airport that somehow gets delayed, causing me to miss my flight and be rerouted through a clusterfuck of connecting flights. I’m sitting in the airport terminal in Seattle as I’m typing this, trying to read through the 74 work emails I have missed due to my lack of service while at sea and staring down the barrel of an 11 hour travel day back to Florida. Best case scenario I get home at midnight and get to wake up at 7am for work which my body will think is 3am based off of the Alaskan time zone I’ve gotten used to. Thoughts and prayers appreciated.

Drinking six whiskeys in Alaska actually sounds tight and I’m fully jealous. Being stuck in Seattle? Almost best case scenario for getting stuck somewhere. I think maybe you just scrap your life in Florida and stay the rest of the summer in cool Seattle. This is bad advice but it’s truly all I got at this point.

LTFT, plenty of shameful stories but for some reason this sticks out.

New to the tinder game, never thought I’d do it but made an account about a week ago. Friday night had my first match with a convo actually going somewhere and convinced the gal to come over to my place. She was about twenty minutes away and it was around 9:30. I had just enough time to run to a liquor store by my house before it closed and make it back before she arrived. I’m a domestic light beer guy through and through, but it’d been a while since I’ve had female company one on one and felt obligated to get some wine. I don’t know jack about wine so I’m wondering the store like a panicked idiot and they had a fridge with wine and a large bottle of barefoot pinot grigio just caught my eye. Relatively cheap but not the cheapest, already cold, I pulled the trigger and got it (would appreciate feedback on this choice and recommendations for this situation).

This girl comes over and says she doesn’t drink, so I end up drinking it by myself, actually enjoyed it. Then IT happened. We were debating some nonsense I can’t remember and she challenged me to look it up on my phone. We are shoulder to shoulder, having a good time, watching iron Man. I open my browser and BAM it opens to pornhub. I panicked, frantically tried to close it, go to another tab, anything, but it was frozen in all my tapping for a solid 5 seconds, which felt like 5 hours. She oddly laughed about it and we ended up doing the deed that night and again in the morning before she left. All in all a solid night and I know this is not necessarily a horrible story compared to the normal ones here, I’ve had times that might have made the cut but this was just different. The panick that ensues when someone you briefly talked to 2 hours ago and just met 30 minutes ago your hoping to get lucky with sees you pull up your browser and it’s pornhub? I’ve never experienced anything like that type of panick, and I think it took a couple years off my life.

Hahahahahahaha.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Wait, do people actually view porn on their phones, though? I feel like this is a tablet/lappy move only. At least she sounded like she was cool with it. Maybe she’s a keeper after all?

Long time, first time. I’ve debated sending in stories before, but this one tops them. Last weekend’s events resulted in a 2 day hangover, so I decided to take it easy this weekend. I had tickets for an outdoor DJ set Saturday, so I stayed in Friday night knowing Saturday would be an all out day of drinking.

Saturday comes around, the crew comes over to pregame. I wisely declined the tequila shots being poured, but wrongly replaced them with double IPAs and no solid food. Flash forward to the event where we run into some other friends. One thing leads to another and next thing I know I’m going into a k hole and dancing with my crazy roommate’s best guy friend she has unrequited feelings for. (I know everyone says they have a crazy roommate, but a roommate who has multiple interventions for Xanax is a new kind of crazy.) With the IPAs still flowing, my drunk self proceeds to bring the best friend home. He wisely leaves before she wakes up, but in the morning I decide to act like an adult (novel concept) and be open with her about what happened between the best friend and me. Roommate proceeds to violently sob for 7 minutes and leave.

I had plans for brunch and a play with another friend so I left the house for the day. I get home to realize my key to our apartment suddenly no longer works. This is the point I get back in my car and start typing this email. Now, about 3 sentences back, roommate pulls up next to my car, I wave at her, and she peels away tires-screeching fast. Will I be let back into my house before having to get ready for work tomorrow? Send T’s, P’s, and a locksmith.

Replacing shots with double IPAs is NOT THE MOVE. I REPEAT, IT IS NOT THE MOVE. This may sound psycho, but I think I’d rather do shots than daytime Double IPAs. Double IPAs should only be ingested when you’re at a nice brewery and know you’re only having one (1) beer.

– no fiber all weekend
– still dehydrated from Quicken Loans National
– sipping a Fat Tire
– skinny jeans
– 2 day work week

I think this was supposed to be a Panic Room submission for last night’s Twitter, but it was emailed to me rather than tweeted. Wearing skinny jeans on a Sunday night is decidedly not the move.

I got kicked out of a concert on Saturday night because a girl grabbed me by the waist and tried to drag me out of her way and I decided that she deserved an elbow to her face. We got to see exactly one song from the band before I got kicked out and then I proceeded to get in a screaming match with the venue owner on the sidewalk out front because I was kicked out and the grabby girl wasn’t.

I want to clarify that this was a submission from a woman and not a man who is just rogue-elbowing girls at concerts. I respect what she did and you cannot convince me otherwise.

I did once fall on someone at a Three 6 Mafia concert and they got pissed at me so I handed them a ten-dollar bill in hopes they’d shut up. It worked.

I just realize that I’m playing the long game with four girls. Somebody please hold me!

…no one feels bad for you.

My girlfriend and I of 9 months are now having the talk of religion for possible future kids. I’m Jewish and she is Christian. Trying to figure out a compromise but would also love if any commenters have some exp in the area. Oh and I start work in a hospital for the first time tomorrow morning too. So that’s not nerve wracking at all.

Comment section, have at it. I don’t talk about religion publicly so this falls on you, and it sounds like this dude needs your help.

First time writer. Had 2 friends that share a birthday so we (12 friends) have a canoe and kayak trip planned out. Saturday morning we show up to our “cabins” that are the size of jail cells and all of us just agree that we will be so drunk later it won’t matter how we sleep. When we get to the river I instantly grab my kayak and luckily thought ahead to mix my whiskey sours in a gallon jug so that I don’t have to worry about a cooler all day. The birtday girl brought jello shots in syringes which paired with my alcohol meant a rough day. I only remember the first 2 hours and the final 2 hours of an 8 hour float. At one point I was so drunk and hot that I decided I needed to abandon the canoe that I was in, even though I originally started in a kayak, just to cool myself down. Upon abandoning the canoe a friend had to jump in and rescue me because I wasn’t trying to swim. I puke all over myself and cuss one friend out while blaming him at the same time. My friends got me back in the canoe which had to be tough since I’m the biggest person in the group. I wake up in the canoe around an hour later and finish the float drinking nothing but water as well as make a miraculous recovery, amazing what a power nap can do. Go back to our cabins listen to music, have a fun night, go to bed, and wake up Sunday morning to realize 400 dollars worth of coolers were stolen from our group. Now I’m in a different city which is 2 hours away from work tomorrow because I have to take a drug test for a new job before I go back to my old job for my last two weeks. I’m just praying my drunk self didn’t do some type of illegal drug or this weekend will definitely not have been worth it.

Tiny cabins and jugs of whiskey sours? Sign me the fuck up. Also, puking on yourself in the river just means you roll over into the river. Sure, getting robbed of your nice coolers sucks but all of this still adds up to a chill sitch.

My body is in shambles after sitting in an uncomfortable car for a 13 hour drive to Michigan, and I currently have hemorrhoids and have no clue what to do about it.

Ahhhhh, Pure Michigan!

Kidding aside, I’d take hemorrhoids if it meant I could spend the 4th in Northern Michigan right now. No questions asked.

Got woken up at 8am on my 21st birthday by a call from my doctor saying I tested positive for chlamydia

Not an ideal 21st birthday gift.

I rekindled a flame from sophomore of college Saturday night. It was good, but it was also bad, ya know?

Hit brunch this morning hard with a 10-4 deal of bottomless mimos, and then proceeded to pass out for 4 hours. Now I’m wide awake and can’t decide if I should “have a stomach bug” or not tomorrow morning. The real worst part is that I decided to do laundry at about 9 PM, and the dryers in my apartment blow (pun possibly intended), so I had to hang all of my half-dried stuff all over my room.

Actually, I just realized the real, real worst part is that I forgot to include my sheets in that load of laundry, and that was the reason I drunkenly decided to do laundry in the first place. Now I’ll have to do this shit again tomorrow.

Have a cool week, and a happy-early Fourth of July to you!

Nah. This is why I never wash my sheets on Sundays. The idea of sitting in my sheetless bed is just not the move.

Don’t even know where to start on this. My brother and I are home for a few weeks from college (younger demographic here what’s up) and my 40 year old neighbor was throwing a BBQ, so we go over and he has a golf simulator so we start having a few beers having a good time with his buddies. Gradually we start getting more and more liquored up, fireball shots start to come in hot. Somewhere in this time period my 55 year old neighbor shows up (she’s important for later in this story) Meanwhile, two girls that I go to college come to pick me up to go out that evening. They show up in horror as seven 40 year old men hound them, so here I am trying to make the situation less awkward. Why I didn’t just leave then I’m not sure, but anyways we leave after a few drinks.

This is what gets reported to me the next AM by my mother.

Apparently my brother kept pounding drinks with these guys for a few hours then he leaves to go back with the FIFTY FIVE YEAR OLD WOMAN, anyways these two are so fucked up they leave the door open and the dog runs out. Meanwhile in this time my blacked out brother is trying to make moves on this woman. Police find the dog and come back to a PASSED OUT 19 year old on the couch at 9 fucking PM, along with two glasses of wine that are laid out that make it obvious it was an intimate situation. Somehow he finds out my parents live two doors down and my mother has to convince the cop to not give my brother an MIP and he then apparently has to be helped back to bed two doors down. Apparently he told this woman “I’ve always wanted to get with an older woman” on his way out. This ladies dog tries to bone my dog once a week and runs into our yard so I will see this lady multiple times this summer. Looking for a one way ticket out of this place, please everyone send help.

I got frightened that this dog would never be found again when the dog ran out. Honestly, that’s all that matters here.

Currently experiencing some of the worst scaries I’ve ever had, mainly due to the fact that little to no alcohol was involved.

My fiancé and I (do I sound like an asshole for saying fiancé?) took a long weekend and went down to Charleston SC and Savannah GA to look at potential wedding venues, and to take in some old school southern charm. Flights were too expensive so we decided to drive (terrible idea, we live in New Jersey).

Overall had a pretty solid weekend, looked at previously mentioned venues, went to a few brewery’s, drank enough IPAs to keep the thought of paying for a wedding suppressed. Until of course the drive back to NJ.

Left Savannah at 10am and I am still sitting in the car as I write this at 12:30am, 14 hours later. All while beginning to legitimately plan a wedding…. scaries at an all time high for both of us. Thoughts and prayers appreciated.

Bright side, listened to episode 4 of the Sunday Scaries Podcast. Helped a bit.

And shouts to Francis Mallmann, no doubt the best chefs table episode yet.

My man. I shouldn’t have to say this but I’m going to say it — drinking IPAs doesn’t solve your problems but it only creates more problems the next day. Talkin’ ’bout toilets.

So this was last weekend but I just got around to getting to it due to humiliation and being being busy.

Monday, I was flying out of town for work at 5 am which means waking up at 3 am to catch the flight. So that says a lot. But I went out casually Friday with friends that turned into a shit show. But that wasn’t even the peak.

Saturday I met up with friends and with shots going, things got out of hand fast. We all were shit faced and next thing I knew, everyone was wanting blow. Since I’m the friend in the group with the connections, and was shitfaced, I said sure no prob. So I called my guy, bought $300 worth (more than ever needed) and we went on with our night.

Well the problem arises next day with my bank account and travel. I started this new job last month but I had a month between jobs. So I drained my savings a lot. So the $300 I took out of my account for the blow was almost all I had. I had my Amex for travel but it has a $2000 limit and between the flight, rental car, and hotel, I was $40 away from my spending limit. With payday on Thursday, I had 4 days before I had money to spend on a work trip out of town. Needless to say, I was scared shitless and any amount over would put me over and literally didn’t have a dime to my name. I was fucked.

I ended up working with the hotel people to only charge my room night by night which allowed me more money to spend with my credit card until pay day. But it was entirely too much stress and worry and it was all caused by drunk me wanting to be a big baller on some recreational activities. Lesson learned and hopefully I never decide that I’m fucking Johnny Depp and can afford blow for the whole friend group again. But in my 25 years of life, I never have experienced more stress than figuring out how to survive out of town on $40 for 4 days and hopefully I never have to again.

Oh my God, no. Please do not bring financial Scaries, blow, and everything else you brought here to my Monday morning. I want to help, but… but I can’t.

Shouts to everyone who submitted this week. With a short week and the 4th in the pipeline, next week should be an absolute mess. .

If you need your Sunday Scaries (or Monday Blues) cured, make sure to subscribe and listen to The Sunday Scaries Podcast on iTunes and SoundCloud. Thank me later.

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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