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This is for all of the brave souls who are beyond their college years, yet still live at home for a variety of reasons. Maybe you’re a recent grad waiting to start work, or living at home to pay off student loans, or worse yet, still looking for a job. Your mornings of waking up to a random girl or guy in your bed after a hard night of drinking are gone — at least for now. When you wake up in the morning, all you have to look forward to is the harsh, disapproving look from your parents, whose suspicions that you have a drinking problem have now become full-blown conclusions.
“But Mom and Dad, I don’t have a drinking problem, I have a drinking solution!” you say in an attempt to lighten the mood. Or you try the far less effective, “I can quit whenever I want to,” which only leads to increased concern. However, your budding alcoholism is not the reason for this column. No, this column is concerned with a far more pressing matter. Intercourse. Coitus. Bumping uglies. Taking a one way ticket to Pound Town. Reaching the summit of Hookup Mountain and planting your flag. You get the idea.
Allow me to paint you a picture: 22 years old, recent graduate, living at home for a few months before starting work in the fall. The world would appear to be his oyster, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. All his high school hookups are long gone, and he is left alone in his small suburban town with only the promise of the future to look forward to. What is a young, single young professional to do? Sure, he could hop on Tinder or Bumble with the hope of turning some witty banter into a half-hearted, cowgirl only romp in the back of his Honda CRV down the street from his childhood home, but what would that really gain him? A brief moment of satisfaction followed by the crushing realization that life will never be the same as it once was.
I’m here to tell you that there is hope for those of us living at home. You won’t be relegated to sad, second-rate car sex, the two-minute sprint while your parents are out of town, or some hot and steamy basement loving forever. Your parents asking you, “Why aren’t you dating” without realizing that it’s because you live with them won’t last forever. Your future is still bright. Sure, maybe you aren’t engaging in the chase quite like Johnny D is, but you’re still a young twenty-something individual with a whole life of disappointing the opposite sex in the bedroom to look forward to. So get out there and go to your local bars, embrace the absurdity of meeting a potential lover while you’re on the toilet, and never forget to let that special someone you meet know that you don’t live with your parents — they live with you and it’s totally different..
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Post Grad Brad
Recent post grad whose name is Brad. That pretty much sums it up. Email me at postgradbrad@gmail.com.
This just made me feel even worse about living at home.
I try to keep telling myself it’s only temporary until next summer, but I still get the scaries.
Being moved out for almost a year and still not getting laid. PGP.
Same boat, sup?
Car sex? At least spring for a night at a Best Western or some shit. Fuck.
If you’re living at home, the odds you can afford a hotel room on some random night aren’t awesome.
Au contraire…hopefully. Can’t speak from my own but rather my brother’s experience: I’d imagine that someone living at home at least has a job if they’re not in school. That’s not to diminish how stupid the job market is these days. If they do have income and considering their overhead must be pretty low I imagine they are able to pocket a good amount and (hopefully) save it. All that to say, a good percentage can spring for the hotel/motel/holiday inn cause after the party is the after party and after that it’s the hotel lobby.
I read that a bunch of people are making a ton of money online. Maybe look into that.
Can confirm. This is just as terrible as it sounds
I prefer cowgirl only…
Unfortunately, this might be one of the most accurate pieces I have read on this site. My parents think I’m an alcoholic and I have to AirBnB at a place in the city just to get laid. The worst of both worlds.
There is always this thing called going over to the other person’s place. I’ve been doing that and saving boatloads on rent (and food) by living at home.
I did 15 months in the Home after college. Kept my head down and worked out to be ready for the outside world.
You have to be creative to have sex while living at home. That’s what eves and crawl spaces are for, behind furniture, in central air ducts, your neighbors car, the woods, sheds, closets. You have to be an alchoholic to have sex in these places. Your parents should understand because they were young and chances are they’re functioning alchoholics who don’t even have sex anymore. As soon as you move you expect the divorce announcement. It’s okay it’s 2016 so I can say that with confidence. It’s like a drawn out version of that Blink 182 song with the addicting guitar intro.
This slightly raised my self esteem, since at least I’ve been gone for over 1 year