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Recently, there’s been a lot of milestone reminders in my life: my 10-year high school reunion (class of Oh-Sev represent please kill me), a year at my current job and three years writing for PGP.
I remember getting the call for my first job. I was on the beach at Ocean City, Maryland, which is basically like the Jersey Shore (RIP) of Maryland. I was hungover as fuck, but as a grizzled booze veteran, I was in the best drinking shape of my life. I actually missed the call from HR because I was shredding some sick waves on my boogie board. After returning from my shred sesh, I noticed I had a voicemail from an unfamiliar number. I listened to it and I remember thinking that I can now pinpoint the exact moment when I felt the crushing feeling, “Fuck, I’m an adult”.
Bill Gates once said, “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” As mentioned many times before, I’m a work-to-live kind of guy and like many of you tortured, “I’m smart but lazy” people like myself, if there’s an easy way to do it, I’d way rather do that. Fortunately for you, I’ve kept a running list that some people may find useful as you navigate the precarious waters of postgrad adulthood:
Buy The Same Brand of Tupperware
This is a no brainer. I used to be the guy to get whatever is on sale when I needed it. This is an amateur move because you will always have a ton of lids and no Tupperware, and what you do have will never properly fit in your drawer or cabinet. Buy the same shit each time. Or better, buy a giant collection of the same stuff. You’ll thank me later.
Keep Your Resume Up to Date
I learned this one the hard way. I always naively thought, “I’ll be at my first job as long as they’ll have me!” I’m now on my third job since graduating. It’s really easy to take your newest job description, throw it in your resume and edit it after a few months on the job. You never know when a “dream job” will pop up, and if you already have a resume in hand and you won’t be stressed. You never know if you’ll meet someone and need it.
Get a Key Hook
How many times have you been ready to leave the house but you can’t find your keys/wallet? I recommend buying a key hook that has a cubby. As soon as you walk through the door, put your wallet in the cubby and hang your keys. I’ve lost my keys and wallet so many times before implementing this. Make it a habit to empty your pockets once you get in the house. It’ll save those, “Fuck where’s my god damn keys/wallet/cell phone” moments.
Put the Seat Down
If you live with a woman, put the damn thing down. From a mathematical point, 3 of the 4 movements either of you make in the toilet is a seated adventure. I know, if you can put it up, she can put it down. From a pragmatic standpoint, if you’re coming in hot, putting the seat down is one extra step between shitting yourself and not. I get it because I often have a volatile stomach. My Mrs. and I are at the point where if I somehow forget, she’s taking a dip because she doesn’t even look anymore. Just do it, it’s not worth the argument.
Have Three Outs
Sometimes, I just don’t feel like doing something. Rather than being an adult about it, I have a tangled web of lies to hide the fact I am too much of a bitch to say, “I don’t want to do that.” Having three solid excuses and line up your alibi’s helps you not have to do the shit you don’t want to do. My go-to’s are: 1. I’m moving furniture with my buddy Craig. He knows that I use this excuse and will always corroborate my story in the event anyone ever questions. 2. I have to go help my mother-in-law. I’d rather drive cross country with a cracked out Gilbert Gottfried than actually do this but it’s a solid one. 3. I have diarrhea. I use this one as a last resort because while it is likely it could happen, being “the boy who cried wolf” is usually bad juju for my stomach.
If You Need to Remember Something, Put it in Your Shoes
This is self-explanatory. Need to remember to bring in some documents or a USB drive? Throw it in your shoes because you need those to leave the house.
Learn to Make Three Meals Well
With the advent of the internet, you don’t even need the giant tomes of cooking. Three meals should feed you for the entire week if you portion it out, and if you’re in a pinch to make dinner for a potential suitor, you’ve got these three down pat. These days, making homemade food is a dying art so its definitely a selling point. I suggest getting a Crock Pot and working your way from there. Keep a running Word document for recipes you like and edit them as needed.
Hang Clothing in Shower
If you’re like me and leave your laundry in a basket until you wear it, this one is for you. Put your wrinkled item of clothing on a hanger and hang it in the shower. It’ll be nice and misted and all you have to do is shake the wrinkles out.
I’m all about sharing ideas. Hopefully, a few of you may find some wisdom in these life lessons learned the hard way. That’s the beauty of the internet, we can share lazy person life tips AND harass people we don’t like anonymously. Isn’t it great?.
Image via Shutterstock