Last Night I Realized That I’m A Super Bowl Baby

Last Night I Realized That I'm A Super Bowl Baby

Of all the commercials last night, there was one that really stuck with me the most. Maybe you too. I’m talking about the Super Bowl Baby ad. It hit me hard, but not just because it was creepy, though. A Super Bowl baby is a baby that is conceived as the parents celebrate their team’s victory. I thought the commercial was great, and it even featured Seal. But it was late in the third quarter when my feelings toward this commercial changed – I realized that I am a Super Bowl baby.

I realized that the local team, also Dad’s favorite team, won a Super Bowl before I was born. I then remembered that I was born way past my due date, which lined up about 9 months from the Super Bowl. I felt so uncomfortable. So I had to text my mom.

“Why didn’t you tell me I was a Super Bowl baby?”

Mom replied, “What is that? I’m not watching the game.”

WTF, Polly? You’re not watching the game? My favorite team is about to win the Super Bowl and you’re not watching? She was obviously busy and brushing me off, so I knew I had to step up the text game if I was going to get her attention.

“You and dad banged after the ‘Skins won, obviously.”

She still tried to play dumb, “What?! You don’t know that!”

Yes, mother, I do know that. Don’t try to deny either. I was a Super Bowl baby full of questions. Where was I conceived? Did they stay on the couch or did they make it to their room? Was I an accident? I’m the oldest, born five years after they married. Why didn’t I get invited to be in this commercial? Seal seems like a really chill guy. I want to meet Seal. Were they listening to Seal when I was conceived? My mom loves Seal. How many other kids in my graduating class were Super Bowl babies? Could we make our own squad?

My mother texted me again to let me know to never text her the word “banged” in that context ever again. I wasn’t about to apologize, I needed answers. At this point, I was almost speechless. My jaw hit the floor so hard that I looked like Olivia from “The Bachelor.”

I have questions for the NFL too. Why would you use a 22-year-old song for this commercial? We all love Seal, but “Kissed By A Rose” is the best you got? And why would you put so many of us through this emotional torture? The last thing anyone wants to think about is their two parents having sexual intercourse. Von Miller was ecstatic when he won Super Bowl MVP last night, but I guarantee you his mood would change if a reporter brought up his parents doing it.

“Hey Von, solid game tonight. You really stepped up when the team needed you and now you’re a Super Bowl champion and MVP. But let’s talk about the real stuff. The nitty gritty. You ever think about your parents doing it doggy-style over the kitchen table?”

*Cue speechless Von Miller*

Exactly. Nobody wants to think of their parents having sex. I would rather imagine a cinder block being dropped on my crotch from the Empire State Building before I think about my parents and intercourse. If I had to choose between nightmares of my ex castrating me or dreams of my dad balls deep in my mom, I’m going with my ex cutting my balls off. I didn’t even sleep last night. I’ve been a Broncos fan all my life, so you would think I would be in a great mood today. The reality is, I can’t stop thinking about my parents making love on some cold February Sunday night a couple decades ago.

Brb, I’m going to puke.

Image via YouTube

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Just a big dude from Virginia who loves Dale Earnhardt, guns, and eating red meat.

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