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The docket for social change is getting to be a heavy one. Even when you flush it down to gender equality specifically, there is no shortage of subtopics on the matter. But one is particularly near and dear to my heart. In our society, there exists a prevalent double standard, and it is time to pinch it off once and for all. I’m talking about poop.
Pooping is probably the third thing we do at the start of life only after breathing and crying. Literally every living thing does it in some form or another. If there is one natural function that unites us, it is churning the butt butter. Rich, poor, young, old, big, small. It transcends species, race, culture, geography. Napoleon pooped. Harambe pooped. John F. Kennedy pooped. Every king, sultan, emperor, and Shamu who has ever lived and died pooped. And regardless of whether they ate mutton, corn, rice, bread, fish, or vegetables, their shit stank.
So when was it decided that half the population needed to pretend we poop glitter and rainbows? Why can’t we be honest about the disgusting things our bodies are capable of? Why do guys get to tell stories about sharting in front of their kids and debate wiping techniques, but if I so much as hint at the fact that I use my butthole for a non-sexual purpose, I get hit with the “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU” that is the notion that girls don’t poop. But I am here to shout for the world to hear: I am a woman, and I poop.
A world in which girls can speak freely about pooping is a better world for everybody. Guys, how much do you love it when you ask a girl “What’s wrong?” and she responds with “Nothing?” Instead of wondering if she is going to kill you in your sleep, wouldn’t you much rather like to hear her say, “You’re good babe, I just have to drop a fat deuce one time.” Don’t even try to deny the immediate mood boost that comes from a good dump. As far as I am concerned, a successful bathroom trip can quell an argument faster than a pizza with the word “sorry” spelled out in pepperonis.
I also hear complaints from guy friends alarmed at how early the girl they are seeing leaves in the morning. Like it’s a huge mystery why she left before he could get any morning action going after seeing him rendered impotent by his 10th whiskey coke the previous night. He thought she liked him. Why are women so confusing? But I shouldn’t have to fill you in on this. You saw homegirl taking down those IPAs last night. You do the math and get back me.
I dream of a world in which I can tell the truth about the reason for my seemingly short fuse. I dream of a time in which I can seek a shoulder to cry on about whatever hungover bubble-guts plague me at any given time. I dream of a future in which my daughters are free to vent about the internal volcano spurred by one fucking chimichanga.
And sure, maybe I’m approaching this the wrong way. Maybe an argument could be made that no one should talk about poop, regardless of their gender. After all, women being in on the joke doesn’t make it any less crass. But last I checked, this is still America. It is not in the spirit of the constitution to close the gap by taking rights from the haves, but rather, to give rights to the have-nots.
Beloved PGP contributor and Photoshopper extraordinaire PostGradShibby has already proven himself as an early champion of the #YesWeDooDoo movement by creating a remarkable illustration sure to spread like wildfire.
I mean, you can’t not support that.
So go ahead and keep pretending girls don’t poop. But the next time a cat-caller yells “Damn baby, what that ass do?” I will respond the only way I feel is genuine. By looking him confidently in the eye and beginning with “Well sir, I’m glad you asked.”.
Image via Shutterstock
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Best
Best specializes in making fun of men and wondering why she is still single. She has over 6,000 followers on Periscope, the reason for which she has yet to figure out. Her Tinder bio once went viral for including a pretty mediocre fart joke. Neither of these events she allows anyone in her life to forget.
@WhatTheHellTina
@t_mihel
tina_mihel
I always thought girls regurgitate pellets sorta like owls
when i looked at the figure of 14858 dollars .Than I have no other choice but to accept , what i saw .They have been doing this for a year and get rid of their debts.. Yesterday they purchased new Aston Martin …
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LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU
You leave Harambe out of this.
See I was raised with that beautifully midwestern/southern ethic that was so wonderfully summed up in some show: “Nobody poops but you, and that’s concentrated evil coming out your backside”
My fraternity brothers broke me by having someone follow me to the bathroom every time and talk to me during that whole process. That’s the key, just haze it out of them.
I don’t doubt that you girls poop, that doesn’t bother me. What concerns me is your ability to poop out of another hole except this poop grows and grows and then it learns to talk and formulate retarded thoughts and then it enters the world and makes decisions. This poop then gathers other poops with it’s ideas to create a cesspool and you women have a hard time reaching the flush lever because some magical poop belief system thing has the power to tell you what you can and can’t do with your bodies for some reason and then another poop party is in agreement with the poop wizards and forces you to poop out this little piece of shit yet doesn’t want to provide you and your poop any social benefits in case you don’t make enough money. Then the world becomes a massive septic tank that just festers and ferments and smells unbearable yet the only mother willing to pull the lever is slowly changing the weather so that we all drown because the place where all of our poops go at the end of the day is going to flood the very ground we stand on.
People should stop being pieces of shit.
Right man, you said it better than me but that’s what I was getting at
I’m speechless
I’ve been with a girl first dating now married for almost 9 years. Living together almost 5. Not once has there been a shred of evidence that anything, solid, liquid or gas exits her butt. Not once. That’s why I locked her down. She knows how to keep the illusion alive for me.
Yeah, but does she let anything enter her butt…?
That’s weird as fuck, is she ok? P.s. cool marriage. Sounds like you really considered the important stuff when entering that commitment.
Girls don’t poop. It’s just facts
Poop on my chest.
That escalated quickly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B05BrLhYoU8
This really harshed my morning mellow.