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The opinion that In-n-Out Burger is the reigning champion of American burger joints is not only inaccurate, it’s flat out egregious. I’ve had In-N-Out Burger several times, both in California and also Texas. The first time I had it, I thought it was good. It’s a tasty burger. I enjoyed every last bite, but this notion that it’s the “best burger in America” is so far fetched and absurd that I have to voice my vehement disagreement. It wasn’t until years later after that first In-N-Out experience that I realized I had been swindled. Taste raped. There were better burgers out there. I wanted to rage against the burger machine. This isn’t to say that In-N-Out is garbage, by any means. It’s just an inferior product to another, better chain.
It’s not Five Guys, Chili’s, Culver’s, Fatburger, Shake Shack, Steak ‘n Shake, or some off-the-beaten-path mom and pop burger shack. No. It’s the king of the Southwest. It’s Whataburger, baby. Yes. I can hear the crowd in California revving up their scooters and charging up their Chevy Volts with the fury of a thousand Raiders fans.
I’m sorry. Your product is just inferior. Your beloved California cow is no match for Texas’s beef. The Red and Gold gets beaten down by the Orange and White A-frame. This is the kind of capitalist throwdown between two regional heavyweights Ayn Rand would buy front row seats to. Spoiler alert: Whataburger wins on a TKO in the third round. Once you present the facts of the argument, In-N-Out gets bludgeoned to death by a bottle of Honey Butter sauce.
The Beef
“This game’s about beef. Sweet, moist beef.” -Gen. Douglas MacArthur, 1945
In-N-Out loves claiming that their beef is as local as can be, which is great. Supporting our local farmers and economies is vital to rebuilding America’s economic infrastructure. However, there’s a reason you always go Double-Double Animal Style at INO. It’s because In-N-Out’s burger is the most boring slab of beef you could possibly imagine. There’s no wonder they have to load that thing up with grilled onions, cheese whiz and “spread’ (code name for “thousand island dressing”) to make it ingestible.
Whataburger’s beef is seasoned to perfection. Much like Tom Selleck’s impeccable chest forest, Whataburger’s meat features layer after layer of flavor. Salty, savory goodness on the outside; tender, moist beef on the inside.
The Fries
Let’s move onto the next easily destroyable pillar of In-N-Out goodness. The fries. Again, you have to get them “Animal Style” because In-N-Out’s fries are basically flavorless fried paper and are required to be slathered with grilled onions, cheese and spread, like all of their other food. It’s like dry Thanksgiving food, but instead of covering everything with gravy, they just decide to call things “Animal Style” and throw nonsense on their mediocre product.
Whataburger’s fries on the other hand, actually have flavor and do not require slop on top of them to be enjoyable. Plus, spicy ketchup.
The Spice of Life
The knockout blow from Whataburger comes from their variety of menu items. They have breakfast. They have more than one type of burger. They have onion rings. “But BRIAN, ’tis better to be a master of one trade than to be a jack of all.” OH MY GOD SHUT UP.
You ever had a Whataburger Patty Melt? Life changing. That thing soaks up a hangover better than any fast food I’ve ever had. Not in the mood for beef? Try the Chicken Strip sandwich. Doesn’t even have to be covered in Honey BBQ. You can get whatever you want on it, because Whataburger cares about you. They care, you guys. Monterrey Melt, Chophouse Cheddar, A1 Thick & Hearty. You call it.
Also, Whataburger: Open 24 hours a day, rain or shine. In-N-Out: Closes at 1:30 A.M. at most locations.
If you In-N-Out blowhards want to attempt to deconstruct my argument of clear burger superiority in the comments, go ahead. I’ll be watching, waiting..
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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Finally
Have none of you ever been graced with the presence of a cookout tray?
Fancy milkshake, big double burger, two sides (corndogs, chicken nuggets, hushpuppies, fries, onion rings, etc.) for 6 bucks, or under five with a large sweet tea.
this is no contest.
Cookout is my go to drunk food. Double burger tray with double cajun fries and a cheerwine is almost a religious experience.
Huge burger with double hushpuppies and a side of regret.
Cookout Trumps all. Corndogs as a side, for the win.
When you can have a quesdilla, corn dog, or a chicken wrap as a side you know you’re at the right place.
I’m sure that there are hundreds of regional places that are better than either. But they are inapplicable to the discussion.
I think Freddy’s and Culver’s are both better than either as well, but I don’t think they are big enough for the discussion either.
pure blasphemy
After a long night out there is nothing more satisfying than a Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit.
I was soaking up a July 5th hangover down in Rockport, TX a couple years ago. There was an elderly couple there chatting with several employees while dining inside. There was an orange mini van parked outside with white stripes down the side and a big decal that read “Whataburger’s #1 fan”. After putting some of the pieces together and over hearing some conversation, we went and talked to the elderly couple.
Come to find out, the wife had developed cancer a few years back. In order to keep her mind off the chemo, they set off in an attempt to visit every Whataburger location in the U.S. He said they had visited about 250 so far. Whataburger heard the story and donated a Whataburger painted minivan to them to help in their voyage.
That kind of story isn’t associated with any run of the mill fast food chain. There’s a certain pride taken with small town Whataburgers. The hospitality mixed with home cooked style meals is hardly comparable to anything else.
http://bites.today.com/_news/2011/07/25/7158868-couple-in-their-70s-aim-to-visit-722-burger-joints?d=1
Face I’ve met them at the same place, they are awesome. They told my group of friends and I that one Whataburger even rolled out a red carpet for them one time.
damnit…
Serious PGP. Such a heated debate. Whataburger all the way though.
What kind of red-blooded American burger establishment doesn’t fucking carry bacon!? Fucking In-N-Out Burger! Get the hell out of here with your baconless commie burger!
“…Superior Burger Chain in America*”
*By America, we mean California and Texas.
Coincidentally, the two states the rest of America wouldn’t be surprised if they became their own countries.