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A few weeks ago I disclosed that I take more daily showers than the average bear. In summation, it’s because I don’t like the feeling of being sweaty. Also, I’m sort of a nutjob.
There are a bunch of things I do that, when mentioned casually, cause people to do a double take. “How can you have never had coffee!” is one. “But I LOVE wearing my Levi jeans!” is another. Look, what I prefer more than anything is marching to the beat of my own drum. And telling people about it.
For as long as I have been a self-sufficient adult, I’ve cooked myself a 3-course breakfast every single morning. I know what you’re thinking, “JR how do you have the time?” I’ve gotten the process down to a fucking science, that’s how.
7:00 AM: I move my weighted blanket off my fully nude body, climb out of bed and walk to the bathroom, where I turn on the water for the first of my four showers that day.
7:02 AM: Before getting in the shower, I remove two breakfast chicken sausages from the refrigerator and fill a small pan with water. I turn the stovetop to high heat and simmer the precooked sausage over the burner before hopping in the shower, which is now warm.
7:08 AM: Shower’s done so now it’s back to the kitchen. I spray another small pan with olive oil and crack two eggs (four if the Capital F Fiancée wants her bullshit egg whites, which cost me precious minutes of delay. Don’t get me started). I then place the eggs over low heat and rotate the sausages, which by now are PIPING. Next, I fill a bowl with some water and oatmeal, toss it in the microwave, hit “Add One Minute” and head to the bedroom to change.
7:15 AM: I’ve made my return to the kitchen, decked out in Lululemon and Marine Layer. My fashion game today, a hypothetical day exactly like every other, is strong. I flip the eggs and immediately turn off the heat on both burners. This allows the yolks to continue to cook over the warm pan to get to that over-medium level of perfection that I prefer. I grab some fresh fruit from the refrigerator and dump blueberries, blackberries, and strawberries into the oatmeal which has now cooled to a pleasant warmth in the microwave.
7:30 AM: The last thing I do is grab a multivitamin, fish oil, and probiotic and sit down at the kitchen table to enjoy my home cooked breakfast. At 30 years old I haven’t yet mastered the art of eating slowly and breathing so I nearly die choking everything down in 90 seconds.
7:35 AM: Cleanup takes 5 minutes because it’s just scrubbing two small pans and leaving them in the drying rack, as well as loading my dirty dishes in the dishwasher.
7:45 AM: After brushing my teeth, possibly packing my gym bag and any other miscellaneous chores I have to take care of (pooping), I’m out the door to my office, where I will arrive at my desk before 8:30 and settle in for eight straight hours of making fun of people on Linkedin.
So, there you have it. My morning routine is not for everybody, but it has its benefits. Namely on my metabolism. For those of you idiots who don’t eat breakfast in the morning, think of your body as a locomotive. In order for a locomotive to gain speed, it needs to produce steam. The only way it produces steam is when the fire of the engine is stoked. Your metabolism is the engine that makes your body go, and an influx of protein, vitamins and natural sugars in the morning is the fuel it needs to kick-start your body into gear. This helps promote weight loss and keep your digestive system regulated. But what do I know? I’ve only weighed the same since I was 18 years old.
“I don’t have the time!” Have some yogurt and almonds on your drive in. “I don’t have the energy!” Make yourself a smoothie the night before. “I’m not hungry in the morning!” For Christ sake, it takes 30 seconds to eat a banana. Give your body what it needs first thing in the morning and it will thank you..
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