I’m Tired Of Non-Texans Hating On Whataburger

I'm Tired Of Non-Texans Hating On Whataburger

A native Texan, I am not. Virgina-born and bred for the first eleven years of my life, I moved just west of San Antonio in 2002. Despite mostly loving living here, I’ve never become what I’d consider a fully-immersed stereotypical Texan. Never been a huge fan of country music or owned a truck; don’t hunt or fish and I know absolutely nothing about working on my car.

The one check-mark that I know I can hit on the Texan citizenship test, however, is that I believe Whataburger is the best all-around fast food restaurant in the United States.

Don’t agree? That’s both fine and fair. The great fast food debate is as healthy a debate as unhealthy the food that we’re debating over is. Prefer In-N-Out or Shake Shack? Great, those are solid options. More of a Chick-Fil-A person? Can’t even deny that the chicken sandwich is a gift from God. More of a BK or McDonalds guy? I mean, you’re a trash person but that’s your right. Everyone has their preference.

I’ll entertain the merits of the debate with anyone from any region. Don’t get me wrong, I love In-N-Out, lived one minute from one during my junior year summer and it was fantastic. Place makes a great damn cheeseburger.

However, in my humble opinion, Whataburger pound-for-pound is my personal champ of fast food places. From burgers to breakfast, with multiple Hall of Fame items like the Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit and the Patty Melt, I just feel like it’s there’s not a more versatile fast food joint in the land. Maybe it won’t give you the greatest meal of all time during every visit, but it’s a consistent threat open 24/7 and I don’t think you can ask much more of a fast food joint.

If you want to stick a finger in my face and tell me I’m wrong and (insert your fast food place here) is better, I’m all for it. Live your truth and tout your go-to as the GOAT. What I’m done putting up with from Texan foreigners (that’s any non-Texas resident before the age of 16, IMO) is the blatant Whataburger hate. It’s childish, uncalled for, and just plain wrong.

Go ahead and say it doesn’t compare in some way to your preferred spot. Fine, you’re wrong, but that’s your opinion. Just don’t hit me with a dumpster fire sentence like “Whataburger is overrated” or “Nothing there is very good.” I’ve heard them both, and frankly, it’s just downright offensive. Don’t come down the lane with the “I mean, it’s super mediocre” take (ATTN: Will deFries) because I’ll swat that take into the stands.

If you don’t like the Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit, the pinnacle of fast food breakfast, either you’re allergic or there’s something wrong with you. It’s excellent. Someone who can’t get down with an HBCB or Whataburger taquito for breakfast as at least a quality option might as well start calling themselves Buck Nasty and join the Time Haters. Again, maybe it’s not your GOAT, but don’t lie to my face and say it isn’t in the upper echelon of fast food breakfasts.

Now people can be picky when it comes to burgers. Of course, there are those who are too snobby to even acknowledge a fast food burger. Go take your 100% grass fed beef that you grilled to perfection with your charcoal and suck it Steve. Then there’s a normal class of American that can appreciate a hunk of beef that’s out in 5-10 minutes with fries and a tall sweet tea.

This is where I hear the most blasphemy regarding Whataburger. Don’t come into this state and declare our state burger “garbage” or worse, just because you prefer it served by some nerd in a stupid paper hat (Whataburger customer service is normally absolute fire btw). Maybe it’s not your top tier, but don’t come out and say that you didn’t enjoy that perfectly wrapped up burger, maybe with some Whataburger Spicy Ketchup on it.

There’s way worse fast food burger options; you’re just a damn liar if you say it’s not even a decent burger. If you’re so underwhelmed by the Monterrey Melt you ordered, please by all means, come bring it to me before taking your ass down to WacArnolds or Carls Jr. down the street and let me know how that treated you.

The worst of the worst is those who’ve tried the orange dub once and made an unfavorable opinion. Now I’m no food expert, I just watch a ton of Guy Fieri, but I know not everyone is on their A-game day in and day out. In-N-Out has let me down multiple times California, so don’t chirp. If you come at me saying the single patty you had one time didn’t satisfy you like a burger should, but have never had an All-Time Favorite or a HBCB, you’re in no position to speak down on Whataburger.

Again, I understand if your taste growing up elsewhere was curated to prefer a different fast food option. Non-Texans, you don’t have to make Whataburger your QB1. But don’t try to tell me that it can’t even make the squad, because you’re just lying to me, and even worse, lying to yourself.

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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