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How’s everyone doing on this Monday afternoon? Let me guess, you’re fighting off some yawns and already dreading the week? Your eyes are feeling heavy, and you can feel your brain running sluggishly? Yeah, that sounds about right. You probably had a nice big lunch, didn’t you? A little Chipoots, perhaps? Maybe a sandwich? I bet you even washed it down with a soda, didn’t you? And now you’re wondering why you can barely stay awake and can’t get focused, huh? Well I’ll tell you why. It’s because you’re a disgusting blob who just poisoned your body with carbs and now you’re feeling the effects. And I don’t feel bad for you at all.
Oh, how can I judge you, you ask? Well, that’s simple. I’m in ketosis, and I’m better than you.
While you were stuffing your face with just tens of grams of carbs and washing your food down with fat-inducing sugar water, I was eating a salad with just red wine vinegar as a dressing. While you eat sugary snacks and horrifically unhealthy things like a piece of whole wheat toast, I’ve been eating lean. Yeah, I’ve had about a pound of meat today, what of it? There are no carbs in meat, baby, and carbs are the only thing that’s bad for the body. That’s scientifically proven and backed up by the thousands of poorly-spelled Keto blogs out there.
Oh, what’s Keto? I’m sorry, that’s what we in the fitness industry call the Ketosis DietTM. Yeah, it’s short for ketosis. You get it. Ketosis is something your body is in when you eat super, super low carb for, like, four days. When you’re in ketosis, you can eat as much fat and meat and cheese as you want and your body can’t gain fat. In fact, in the first two weeks of this diet, I lost 7 pounds of pure fat. Or maybe water weight? The science behind it is too complex for me to understand, but that point is, I’ve eaten bacon for the last three days in a row and my body is operating at maximum efficiency.
Now, I know the idea that eating the greasiest, fattiest foods possible is a healthy weight-loss diet sounds ridiculous, but that’s simply because your brain is too full of carbs and sugars to comprehend the science behind it. You’re trapped in a cage of your own making, my friend. Once you break free and leave carbs behind you, you’ll see how quickly your body, and your mind, turn into a well-oiled machine.
You may be asking how to know which foods have carbs and which don’t. That’s a valid question, and one I struggled with as well when I first began this diet. Sure, you could read the nutrition label of everything you eat, but that takes both time and the ability to focus on small font, something which becomes increasingly more difficult as you starve your body into ketosis. Instead, use this handy trick I’ve developed.
Keto pro tip: An easy way to find out if something is ok for you to eat is to imagine yourself eating that thing. If that thought makes you happy, that means the food has carbs and you can’t eat it. If the thought of eating something makes you sad, congrats! It’s Keto friendly
— No (@noampao) May 11, 2018
Boom. You now have all the knowledge you need to start your transformative journey from a slovenly peasant who still believes in the food pyramid (a piece of propaganda that is objectively worse than Hitler. Don’t even get me started.) into an enlightened being that has entered ketosis.
But it won’t be easy. The path to nirvana (ketosis) isn’t for the faint of heart. You will feel the effects of “the keto flu,” as your body attempts to detox from the horrible carbs that you’ve been addicted to for so long. Your breath will begin to smell worse than the devil’s asshole as each exhale rids your body of those horrible toxins you used to ingest willingly.
I hear your concerns. “Wait,” you say. “That sounds like I’m going to become a cranky, smelly, nauseous asshole who judges everyone around them for eating normal food and suppresses jealousy until it is turned into hatred.” Yes. You are correct. You will hate your friends, your family, and even random children on the street who just happen to be enjoying an ice cream cone. “How can you eat those carbs?!” You’ll yell at your friends, who are just trying to enjoy their brunch, spittle spraying from your mouth as you lecture them on the virtues of eating clean.
You’ll close your ears to any other kinds of diets, and want to slap people who say things like “Isn’t this just a rebrand of the Atkins Diet?” It’s nothing like any other diet! It’s backed up by science, goddamn it. It has to do with glucose and amino acids and shit! No other diets are that scientific. So enjoy your “enjoyable food,” and “stress-free lifestyle” you carb-eating animals. I’ll be over here admiring my abs. I’m in ketosis, motherfuckers. .
Listen to Touching Base’s takes on Ketosis and more. Not sure if you knew this, but Dave was also in Ketosis.